How to on your way to speak like a true NewYorker !!!!!

While In Iraq , I got into a conversation with some locals who wanted to know all about the city and how to speak like a New Yorker. So I put it together and it was one of the funniest days I had in my Life. This is how it went

If you plan to visit New York and use a proper English phrasebook to get you around, fuggetaboutit! True New Yorkers admittedly (and proudly) speak a version of English you can’t even begin to decipher with a phrasebook. Whether it be years of immigrants melding their respective languages into one or just a random jamble of words, the dialect spoken here needs a bit of explanation.

First things first, to speak like a New Yorker, forget the combination of the letters “T” and “H”. As in:
Dees, Doze, Dis and Dat (These, Those, This and That)

For whatever reason, these, those, this and that don’t exist in New York. Instead, D’s are really popular and if you want to fake being a native, drop these and switch to doze.

Ga’ Head (Go Ahead)
A phrase of encouragement. As in, “go on with your bad self”.

Get the F**k Outta Hea (Get the F**k out of Here)
Sure this sounds confrontational but its a term of disbelief more than anything.

Scenario: “So Paulie (a common man’s name in NY for some reason), I ran into Fat Lou dis morning and he told me that five guys rolled into the deli wearing nothing but speedos and cowboy boots.”
Paulie “Get the F**k Outta Hea”.

Da bot a’ yous (the both of you)
More than one of you. You and a friend are bot yous.

How YOU Doin? (how are you doing?)
Made popular by Friends, it’s like asking how you are doing but with more intent. Put some emphasis on the YOU and you’ll blend right in.

Fuggetaboutit (Forget about it)
Don’t worry about it, it’s all good. Also used to express that something is never going to happen as in, “You think you can get in her pants? Fuggetaboutit!”

Loosie (Lucy)
Not a hooker but a single cigarette. Smokes in NYC are about $11 a pack so there is a huge demand for single cigarettes (at $0.75 a piece).

Mudder (mother)
Directly translated to mother. Popular uses include: “I heard your mudder was sick? How is that old broad?” and “F**k your mudder”. Both are quite different uses of the term but nonetheless very common.

Boss
People that either don’t know or forgot your name will call you “boss” instead, especially if you go to the same bodega (the general store you see on every corner) more than once during your visit. You will feel like a big deal for no good reason.

Shlub/Putznyc
If you get one of these thrown in your direction, know that you really f**ked up. The equivalent of being called a douchebag. Get your fight face on, shit’s going down.
EYYYY (Hey)

Bodega: (Spanish) a small corner convenience store

The City: used when referring to New York City.

Straphangers: a standing passenger on a bus, subway, or train

Bridge and Tunnel: used when referring to those that live in the suburbs, mostly Jersey or Long Island

Pie: pizza

Coffee regular: refers to coffee with cream and sugar

Stand on line: to stand in a line

Lox and a Schmear: a bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese

Kitch: (Yiddish) referring to tasteless style. Also, kitchy (adj)

Hero: a submarine sandwich

Used to up the level of any conversation. Feel free to stick an “eyyy” into just about anywhere. Beginning a conversation with it is more like a “hello”. Show emotion by throwing it in as an exclamation. Combined with random hand gestures, you can have an entire discussion about nothing using “eyyy” and leave satisfied. Moment of silence? Get your “eyyy” out and it won’t be so awkward.

The above grab bag of phrases is a good start. If you have a handle of their uses, try saying them really loud, louder than you feel comfortable (aim for people being able to hear you within at least an entire city block radius), and you’ll be on your way to truly speaking like a New Yorker.

Because I am a Guy…A guide for women to understand Us

Because I’m a Guy

Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger – – how the heck could HE know where we’re going?

Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the 21st century, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.

Note: All ” Sara Palins real men” answer “C” to all of the following questions. In understanding this and carefully reviewing the “C” answer, women will come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

Present it to the President of the United States.
Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

Innocence.
Idealism.
Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
When he is the Pope (not on the lips).
When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A cat.
A dog.
A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the newspaper when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

“Do they need to eat or anything?”
“They’re enrolled in school already?”
“There are three of them, right?”

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be the wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

He was being tested.
He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

Democracy.
Religion.
Remote control.

The question this time, from the men’s side of the table: what should you do when the women you’re with asks you: “What are you thinking?”

Every male in the world has had to deal with this question, which is more often than not uncorked at entirely inappropriate times, such as when you are watching sports, locked in a passionate embrace, or reeling in a feisty marlin from the Gulf of Mexico. Regardless of what you’re doing, you must come up with a complete and satisfactory answer, or stand accused of Hiding Your True Feelings. Which means, of course, you’ll spend the next week pretending to be sorry. So you’ve got to come up with something. And it had better be good.

Now, the obvious question here is: WHY do women want to know what we’re thinking? Simple: they assume we’re thinking in the first place. Hard to believe, but there it is.

Why on earth would they think that? Well, go up to a woman and ask her what she is thinking. This is what she be thinking about:

“Off the top of my head, I’m thinking about the party we’re having Saturday, and how I’m going to fix that chandelier in the front room so that people can walk around without hitting their heads. Underneath that I’m thinking about my work schedule this week and whether or not I’m going to have time to do some of the things I need to do at home as well. And under that I’m wondering if it’s too late to get tickets on a plane to NYC for Christmas. AND I’m thinking about getting a snack.”

Not only is she thinking about something, she’s thinking about four separate things. If I check back in five minutes, she’ll still be thinking. Women are always thinking, and often about practical things.

Men, on the other hand, are actively thinking for about five minutes out of every hour (usually not in sequence). So, at best, you have a one in 12 chance of catching a man actually having a thought. What are we thinking about?

Sex
Food
Jelly Donuts
Sports
Victoria Secrets
Sex
Work
The black unknowable nothingness that frames our existence, and whether a benevolent and omnipotent higher power can
possibly exist within it (or Beer)
Sleep
Sex

In summary, randomly asking a man what he’s thinking has precisely a 8.83% chance of turning up a real, verifiable, honest-to-God thought. You might as well bet on the New York Jets. Sound harsh, guys? Fine. Quick — what are you thinking? Had to think about it, didn’t you. You lose. Sit down.

Despite the overwhelming evidence that we men, in fact, are almost never thinking, women will still demand to know their innermost thoughts. In a way, it’s touching; women are expressing faith that, if prodded long enough and frequently enough, they may yet boost the number of times we think in an hour. And they will. Unfortunately, most of what we’ll be thinking is “stop asking me what I’m thinking.” And that’s just going to get us in trouble.

The best way to keep a woman from constantly asking you what you are thinking is to have a ready, pre-memorized answer for the times that she does. Here are some tried and true responses, with the pros and cons of each:

“I’m thinking that tonight it’d be nice to stay at home and sit by the fire together.”
Pros: Romantic; Sounds as if you’re spontaneous.
Cons: Requires fireplace (or a cement floor and ventilation); Romantic moments often prompt even more “What are you
thinking” queries.

“I’m thinking how much I love you.”
Pros: Generally provokes a positive response that short circuits any need for further conversation; Is often also true.
Cons: If you use it too much, she’ll know it’s a line, and then you’re really in trouble.

“I was wondering if there is actually life on other planets.”
Pros: Cosmic; Shows you are a deep thinker.
Cons: Woman may wonder if this is an intro to the same sort of “alien sigmoidoscopy” story that ruined her last
relationship.

“I was imagining, if I were an animal, what sort of animal I’d be.”
Pros: Imaginative; Allows woman to spend many happy minutes trying to establish your place in the animal kingdom.
Cons: She might think you resemble a marmoset or skunk; She may forego the animal world altogether and go straight to
yeasts.

“I’m just thinking about how true the lyrics to ‘Dust in the Wind’ really are.”
Pros: Shows depth of musical knowledge; As last resort to forestall conversation, you may break out into song.
Cons: If she’s a connoisseur of 70s melodic rock, you may find yourself in a bitter, divisive quarrel about which is
deeper, “Dust” or Aerosmith’s “Dream On”.

Keep in mind that these responses are not to supersede an actual thought. If you find yourself having one at the moment she asks, go ahead and share it, as long as it’s not something along the lines of “This relationship blows” or “I really like margarine”. With a little practice, you should come out okay.

But, hey. That’s just what I think BECAUSE I’m just a guy

The Black Guy Always Dies First. Why? I don’t know. I just happen to notice these things

My friends were telling at a wedding I recently attended that one of the biggest clichés in Hollywood movies is that the black male actor in the movies always dies. Now I believe that the old adage is going the way of the Dinosaur cause no one would have killed off Larry Fishbourne as Morpheus’ In Night of the Living Dead (1968) the main character and ‘hero’ is a black guy, which is quite something considering when it was made.

In fact, the actor, Duane Jones, became the first African-American to be cast in a lead role of a major motion picture that did not specify the part had to be played by a black actor.

Regrettably, despite being the only survivor of the zombie attack, he is ultimately killed by white people. ._. So I thought it would be fitting if we could think of the 5 most glorious screen deaths. So since I was the only one sober of the 5 to take notes here is what happened…. it goes in no particular order

Jim Brown in “The Dirty Dozen”
First things first. Next to the Godfather,,best movie for “guys who like movies” Every man should be forced to watch this movie before they are allowed to go into puberty, You wanna be a man? Watch this movie first!!! EAT THIS RAW MEAT!!! Then we will talk. The Dirty Dozen was released before my time but i am sure. if you haven’t seen the movie You will have the same reaction
‘Hes going to make it…hes going to make it ..AW DAMM .he didnt make it “
We all hated to see him get it at the end . But if he had to go out at least he went out like a hero. The image of Jim Brown sprinting across the screen, dodging enemy fire is one of the most breathtaking scenes… It was talked about by Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle as he pretended to burst into tears. According to IMDB, Hanks and Garber improvised the scene on the spot. Great stuff.

It making me misty eyed right now

Samuel Jackson In Deep Blue SEA<

Now any movie that kills off Samuel Jackson and leaves LL CooL J alive has something fundamentally wrong. But I recommend that you watch it to see Sam go out in a blaze of glory. I remember when I watched that movie I was thinking “Finally a black guy manages to survive”. It was probably only because it was LL Cool J, and he was cool back then.

The writers already met there quota when they randomly killed Sam L Now if you havent seen the movie,, lucky you … AFTER the genetically engineered sharks who seem to be smarter than any one in the movie, make their first attack, the scared group gets together to regroup and Sam is attempting to calm them all.

Using his best Pulp Fiction Jules Winfield voice …”stay calm… we will get out of here”. I remember thinking … he’s getting to close to the water. Sure enough one of the sharks leaps out and drags Sam into the water kicking and screaming. It not believable …the movie is pretty bad… but it was awesome. The only thing that would have topped that would be if somehow the shark came back… looked at the others and said

“I’m sorry” “Am I breaking your concentration? ”

I wonder though if he had just eaten a Snickers with peanut butter before the shark ate him. I hear that’s what they prefer, according to recent shark focus groups.

Charles Dutton in Aliens 3

In Alien 3 Ripley wakes up in a prison colony with 2 of the creatures, one roaming, and one inside her. In an effort to trap the full-grown one, Roc must hold off the creäture while Ripley climbs up and pours a few thousand gallons of molten lead on the beast …clichéd? Yes! Predictable? yes!! Dutton screams ” is that all you got… Is that as hard as you can bite . He’s spitting like a cornered cat as he engaged the deadliest creatures now to man.. The only comparison it’s like being in a Room with the “Real housewives of New Jersey” or dreaming about Snooki over and over….As Charlton Heston Said ‘ its a madhouse A madhouse

Carl Weathers and Bill Duke In Predator
I think we all can remember the scene “I see you ” Bill Duke Hisses…. Some how Carl Weathers takes about 30 seconds to realize that hes looking at a 10 ft tall invisible reptile who moves at the speed of light. He stood a better chance fighting Ivan Drago in Rocky 4 ..With no visible shock says “hey i see it too. Nevertheless it was somewhat fun to watch Apollo meet his match. Bill Duke stood no chance. Funny though The weapon on the predator blew off Apollos arm ..Bill Dukes head and Jesse Ventura chest. The Terminator Arnie takes a direct hit to his shoulder and he gets a flesh wound MMM

Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man
Wesley Snipes grimaces and bares his pearly whites ( what’s the deal with that awful blonde hairdo?). Bad hair nevertheless he sure seemed to be having fun until he was freeze-dried by Healthy Choice . Kinda of wish SLY”said “Ice Ice Baby” I think that would have ranked right up there with “ASTA la VeeSTA baby The only thing i remember about that movie is the crush I had on Sandra Bullock. Wonder what ever happened to her

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HONORABLE MENTION:

In Stanley Kubrick’s 1987 war movie Full Metal Jacket, Eightball (played by Dorian Harewood) is the first to be killed in combat. Shot down by sniper fire, Eightball dies a slow and painful death as he is repeatedly shot from afar.

Ned Logan (Morgan Freeman) in the 1992 classic western, Unforgiven, is the first to get killed of the three main characters.

Something I realized right after writing the last post: Dennis Haysbert is the first to die in TWO different 90’s action movies. Who could forget the lovable Allstate dude in Heat. Picked up at the last minute by the crew of bank robbers as their driver, he is the first to get killed once the shit hits the fan. Haysbert plays Donald Breedan, a down on his luck parolee. Angered at his minimum wage job where he is forced to pay his boss a percentage out of his pay, he is approached by former crew member Neil McCauley (Robert DeNiro). With only seconds to decide to leave his job and go for one more run with the bad guys, he jumps on the opportunity and shoves his boss aside and goes for it. Then he gets shot in the head. Oops. Spoiler Alert.

Just as in Gremlins, the first guy to get killed is black AND also a teacher. Insightful Mr.Teasdale played by Frank McRae gets lit up with an AK to the chest by a just-landed Soviet troop in the 1984 movie Red Dawn. If you haven’t seen this one you are reaaaaallly missing out. This one features young Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, C.Thomas Howell, Lea Thompson and Baby from Dirty Dancing. What’s her name again? Ah, who cares.

From cult sci-fi classic Aliens we have Private Ricco Frost, played by Ricco Ross. He is the first named character in the movie to get killed. Set on fire accidently by a fellow marine and sent over the railing to his doom.

From the classic film Enter the Dragon, Jim Kelly as Williams. Of our three main characters including Bruce Lee and John Saxon, the black guy dies first.

Just don’t die like this !!!

Eat , Pray Love …Help me choose a new Religion

Since most people who know me and my sense of humor say that the Greek Religion in me didn’t take. I thought I would look at the pros and con of some of the religions today and see if I can choose a new one. So in the famous words of the “Joker” HERE WE GO

Rastafarianism:

Pro: Not only is marijuana use accepted….. it’s basically a need
Con: I am pretty much locked into my look from here on. Somehow dreadlocks in public don’t seem to be the way to go
Pro: Wait what are we talking about / Pass the chips
Con: me woman not be able to understand em saying seen

Buddhism

Pro: Kick ass Buddhist monk kung foo skills NEO BABY !!!!
Con: Beastie Boys ….Richard Gere I will not be preached to
Pro: blissfully enlightened state
Con: I can be blissful being a Rasta Man and not have to wear orange robes

Judaism
Pro: Bar Mitzvah Baby what 13 yrs old …if I am converting then I am having one
Con: Too old for a Bris

Jehovah’s
Pro: Walking door to door is an excellent low impact work out
Con: No Christmas that aint right !!!!!
Con: Only 144 ,000 will make it to heaven The other 6.4 million practicing JW’S are out of luck

Catholicism:

Pro: Wine at church Nice and classy
Con: Being 12 with wine at church hmm wonder what that can lead to ???
Pro: All the sitting standing and give you some great QUADS AND GLUTS look out women !!!!

Scientology:

Pro: Tom Cruise John Travolta and Kelly Preston go to my church
Con: They are crazy
Pro: any “church that can be spoofed on South Park IS my KIND OF CHURCH
Con: How can we make a church sound any less appealing …I know lets put science in front of it

Mormonism

Pro: Multiple wives Big Love
Con: Multiple Wives with access to knives
Pro: The Osmonds …. had a crush on Marie
Con: Glen Beck and living in UTAH.

Santeria:
Pro: freaky hot-blooded island woman increase odds of amazing sexual experience :
Con: Freaky hot-blooded island women increase odds of a “machete incident ‘ and for your info there is no such thing as a good machete incident 😦
Pro: no problem getting chicken and goat for KICKIN montreal grilling

Native American

Pro: Peyote
Con: tedious well-meaning conversations about how fascinating the religion I am in is
Pro: Lax dress code
Con: Burning sage hurts my eyes

Hindu:

Pro: Vishnu Coolest God ever…POSSIBILITY that I could play for the Knicks or be a rock star in my future incarnation.. Meet Julia Roberts one day
Con: No Beef … No nochancepappy
Pro: easy pick up lines for wild chicks
Con: I would be offended by Abu

Satanism:

Pro: All bad things are now good
Con: Spending time with Goths… Ramone groupie’s here I come
Pro: Long list of people to sacrifice gets longer …..Bill O”Reilly Lock your door buddy
Con: Listening to bad albums backward

So dabbling in the dark side isn’t the way to Catwoman.. I need to know deep down who is the Queen of the Nice Religion …. being nice … mmmmm How do they do it…let me know because I feel Like Will Smith in the movie ‘I am Legend” Cant hold them off forever….and have this happen to me.

Relationships for Dummies: A Instruction Manuel for those upgrading from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0

I have a friend of mine who is a programmer and he married one also. They always speaks in code. So at his reception I tried to give him some advice in code he could understand. So with the help of a friend/powerpoint this is what I came up with

( picture lights going off Powerpoint )

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory leaves few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law jailBeta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

A “don’t remind me again” button.
Minimize button.
Ability to delete the “headache” file
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in “promiscuous mode” allowing the the system’s Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn’t work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won’t install and you will get an “insufficient resources” error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try never installing Mistress 1.1 on any system and “never” run any file transfer applications between the two systems.

FYI: Don’t even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

Question To Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 10.3, Poker night 10.3, Golf 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I also can’t seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Response:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES; ENTERTAINMENT” program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 1.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 1.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings – Alimony/Child Support.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed once myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume ALL responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE as soon as lock-up occurs. In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all FUPS. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is of very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operation system.

Best of luck in keeping your operating systems working

General Female Rules vs Man Rules …or how to survive the speed of the storm coming your way fellas

General Female Rules

1. These Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

2. No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.

3. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows The Rules, she must immediately change The Rules.

4. The FEMALE is never wrong.

5. If the FEMALE is mistaken, it is a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

6.The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

7.The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.

8. The MALE must never change his mind without the written consent of the FEMALE

9. The FEMALE has the right to be upset or angry at any time.

10. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.

11. If the FEMALE has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.

12. The MALE is expected to mind read constantly and act accordingly.

13. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in actual bodily harm.

14. The MALE who doesn’t abide by The Rules can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a whimp.

General Male Rules

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

2. If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

5. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

6. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

9. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

11. When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying, “This is our exit?” is not necessary.

12. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.
Nothing
This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has when she wants to cut you, slice you and cover you with hot bacon grease. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare so don’t be an idiot. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows)
This means, “I give up” or “Do what you want because I don’t give a d*&#. You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot, moron or troll at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here with your sorry ass, and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not to move, flinch or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that”, or: “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. Run far, run fast and NEVER EVER look back. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your PC, DVD player and big screen TV out the 11th floor window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. “Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a big ol’ greasy lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and the statement “Go ahead”, all followed by unspeakable acts so hideous they are unprintable.
That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before implementing payback. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned. “That’s okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead”. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you’d better be ready. You’re gonna look like a Section 8 eviction, stuf all out on the curb. Check your mirrors for the next 6 months. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.
Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to dig the hole you’re in even deeper as you try to come up with an excuse or reason for doing whatever it is you have done. You have a chance to tell the truth … but don’t. Lie like a rug and stick to it like Velcro. STICK TO THE LIE!!! But be careful you don’t get a “That’s okay”. If you do, stick and move baby, stick and move. Skillets and pots will be flyin.
Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint or pee yourself; just say you’re welcome and don’t move the rest of the day.
Thanks a Lot
This is much different from “Thanks”. A woman will say “Thanks a Lot” when she is really about to “catch a case”. It’s ’bout to be on, up in here. It signifies that you have hurt her in some cold, callous way. She will probably call her 4 brothers to come over and mop the street with your brains. These words are usually followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you “Nothing”.
You did WHAT?
This means she found out about that hoochie across town and you’d better crawl out the window and creep up the sidewalk like a cat. She’s about to get her piece, so step … and step hard. Forget your car, just run and hide. You can come back and get your ride. If “You did WHAT?” is followed by “you bastard”, hit the floor immediately, cause she’s about to set the chamber on that 9 that she keeps under the pillow.

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings…

(obviously I HAVE gotten in more than MY share of trouble…lol )