I gaze 30 yrs out into the future and give my stone cold predictions for 2046 sure to come true

Every Dec, I take time out to gaze into my crystal ball and make my forecast for the year ahead. Often people are stunned by the incredible [lack of] accuracy of my forecasts. But like Doc Brown in BACK TO THE FUTURE I fearlessly put the Helmet on again

Hopefully very few of you will go rummaging around in the archives for my predictions from last year. In retrospect, I have to admit I erred in a few of my prognostications.

Here are some of my PREDICTIONS FROM LAST YEAR that did not turn out quite as I had predicted (Note to self: Make a note to upgrade to Crystal Ball Version 3.0 before next year):

You heard it here first: The ‘bromance’ film The Hangover 4 will nudge out Jack Ass 3D for Best Picture at the Academy Awards, and Mike Tyson will win Best Supporting Actor, for his portrayal of, well, Mike Tyson. Avatar2 will be a total commercial flop at the box office and be completely shut out come Oscar time.

Goldman Sachs, having earned record-breaking profits only two years after the financial meltdown it helped cause, will make amends to the nation and singlehandedly solve the nation’s debt crisis by offering to pay down the entire US federal debt – and still have enough left over to pay each of its executives their annual $1 million year-end bonus. (Well, I got the $1 million bonuses part right at least.)

President Obama : will surprise his critics by selecting Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report (right) to be the USA’s next ambassador to the United Nations. Colbert’s first U.N. resolution, a condemnation of North Korean ruler King Jong Il’s hairstyle (on human rights grounds), is unanimously adopted by the U.N. General Assembly.

In a period of unprecedented political bipartisanship, the leaders of both major political parties will sign a “peace accord” to end all their partisan bickering and name calling once and for all and will come together to sign the wildly popular healthcare reform bill.

After three years of trying to make sense of the phenomenon, the American public will finally figure out what the heck is the point of Twitter.

Sarah Palin, having had her 15 minutes of fame, will fade into obscurity and never be heard from again.

Okay, I admit it. 2015 was not one of my better years for prognosticating. Let’s face it, I probably won’t do any better for 2016. So this year, for a change, I thought I would gaze further into the future – 30 years out – to the year 2046. Why so far out, you ask? Because, according to my doctor, the odds are 7 to 2 that I won’t be around by then. So I really won’t care how far off the mark I was. Let’s get started.

In sports: The NY Giants set a NFL record for losing their 36th game in a row after leading with 5 seconds left. President Barack Obama Jr immediately puts out an executive order to inject the DNA of Lawrence Taylor into every team member. Speaker of the house Ted Cruz immediately calls for a shutdown of the govt.

The World: The war in Afghanistan, now in its 40th year, will show signs of winding down, due in part to the fact that there are only 167 people still living in Afghanistan.

Hopes for a permanent Israeli-Palestinian peace accord will rise when the Israeli Prime Minister Netenyahu now 110 yrs old, extends an olive branch, offering to let Palestinians claim full control over Jerusalem as their undivided Capitol. Hopes will fade once more when it becomes clear he was referring to Jerusalem, Ohio.

Politics: The United States of America, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the People’s Republic of China since 2026, will elect its first non-human as president, when the Sony QRIO-400, Sony USA’s fourth generation robot with artificial intelligence exceeding that of any human being, will win the election. Sony QRIO-400 will narrowly defeat the 55-year-old former rock legend, Senator Gaga, from the state of Key West (the 53rd state), in the closest presidential election since New York Governor Alex Rodriguez narrowly edged out New Jersey Congresswoman Snooki in the 2028 election.

Mark Zuckerberg, Prime Minister of the breakaway Republic of Facebookistan, will announce a truce in his longstanding cyber war with the nation of Googleonia over the two nations’ longtime territorial dispute over the region formerly known as northern California.

The Economy: Thanks to new discoveries of massive oil and natural gas deposits in the Arizona region known as Texaco Cliffs (formerly known as Grand Canyon National Park), it will be another record-breaking year for oil companies. Those consumers who still drive gasoline-powered antique automobiles will benefit too, as the price of gasoline plummets to under $220 a gallon.

The employment situation will improve for the third year in a row, for robots and droids. For humans, unemployment remains flat at around 87%, thanks in part due to the fact that the only jobs currently available to humans are coffee drive-through barista, circus lion tamer and NFL cheer leader. No, wait. My bad. Just lion tamer and cheer leader. Sorry, people. The robots will have taken all the barista jobs too.

Science & Technology: 2042 will see the final demise of the Internet after decades of being plagued by viruses and slow performance. The last known Internet user – an 87-year old Inuit fisherman from Baffin Island, Canada – will pull the plug and throw his computer modem out onto the Arctic pack ice. (Correction: The Arctic pack ice will actually have disappeared permanently several years earlier, in 2026.)

The successor to the Internet, the Skin-Implanted Connectivity Chip (or SICC) will have been successfully implanted in more than 72% of humans, giving them instant 24/7 3D virtual connectivity anywhere in the world – except for a six- block section of downtown Manhattan, where reception is still rather spotty. Damn you AT&T !!!!

Transportation: New improvements in aviatic autoliners (otherwise known as flying cars) will take another step forward, now that the auto port re-fueling stations are finally open for business on the Moon (three years behind schedule). In a related story, Starbucks will announce plans to build 7,500 coffee bistros on the Moon by the year 2047.

Speaking of cars, China, the leader in auto manufacturing, will announce that the next generation of H2O-powered vehicles will get better fuel economy than previous water-fueled models. Leading the way, the new Hummer Hydrate, at an impressive 450 miles per gallon, which is easily re-fueled by means of Hummer’s patented custom-fitted garden hose (hose sold separately for $110,999). In a related story, BP will announce plans to purchase glacier-covered Greenland from Denmark, ensuring enough fuel to keep American motorists driving for at least 5 more years.

Travel & Leisure: Thanks to the long-awaited mass commercialization of time travel in 2037, time travel virtual vacations to exotic destinations will have become routine by now. Complications will emerge when 32,000 South Florida retirees travel back to the year 2000, change their butterfly ballot vote to Gore. Nice try, but Bush still wins the election the second time around.

Celebrity News: Lindsay Lohan will celebrate her 55th birthday this year by completing her latest rehab stint, proclaiming she has finally overcome her addiction to Diet Snapple Ice Tea. In her press conference leaving the Whitney Houston Clinic, Lohan hints that her next addiction will involve some type of breakfast cereal. My crystal ball’s hazy but it looks like it could be Captain Crunch.

The nation will mourn the shocking death of former President Mark Wahlberg in a fishing accident off the Pacific coast of Utah. President Wahlberg will probably best be remembered for his annual State of the Union addresses, in which he always delivered his speech without wearing a shirt. Mitt Romney running again for president again denies that Mitt Romney ever existed.

Health & Fitness: After a 15-year longitudinal study, scientists will conclude that a rigorous program of daily weight training, yoga, and aerobic activity poses serious health hazards to middle-aged people over the age of 110.

The Surgeon General will reveal what has long been suspected: A diet of low-fat, high fiber foods, low in sodium and sugar, poses dangerous health risks and recommends a diet rich in red meat, processed starch, and ice cream products. In a related story, the tobacco industry will cheer the results of new research from the American Medical & Tobacco Association that proves once and for all that a daily regimen of nicotine and carcinogens can add several years to your life.

Well, those are my predictions for 2046. Be sure to put a note in your 2041 virtual calendar to check back to this blog and see how well I did. In the remote chance in 2046, my body has become a hologram or has been stashed away in some deep freeze storage pod while scientists work on a way to bring people back to life, no worries. Just rent yourself a time machine, go back in time to Aug 2016, track me down, and let me know how I did. Many thanks.


5 Great Black Actors movie deaths or 5 guys with nothing to talk about

My friends were telling  at a wedding I recently attended  that one of the biggest cliches in Hollywood movies is that the black  male actor in the movies always dies.   Now I believe that the old adage is going the way of the Dinosaur cause no one would have killed off Larry Fishbourne as Morphous   but I thought it would be fitting if we could think of the 5 most glorious screen deaths.   So since I was the only one sober of the 5   to take notes here is what happened….  it goes in no particular order

Jim Brown in “The Dirty Dozen”First things first. Next to the Godfather,,best movie for “guys who like movies”  Every man should be forced to watch this movie before they are allowed to go into puberty, You wanna  be a man ? Watch this movie first!!!  EAT THIS RAW MEAT  !!!Then we will talk. The Dirty Dozen was released  before my time  but i am sure. if you haven’t seen the movie  You will have the same reaction ‘Hes going to make it…hes going to make it ..AW DAMN  .he didn’t make it “We all hated to see him  get it at the end . But if he had to go out at least he went out like a hero The image of Jim Brown sprinting across the screen , dodging enemy fire is one of the most breathtaking scenes…   It was talked about by Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle as he pretended to burst into tears.  It making me misty eyed right now .

 Samuel Jackson In Deep Blue SEA.    Now any movie that kills off Samuel Jackson and leaves LL Cool J alive has something fundamentally wrong.  But I recommend that you watch it to see Sam go out in a blaze of glory. Now if you haven’t seen the movie ,,lucky you … AFTER the genetically engineered sharks who seem to be smarter than any one in the movie make their first attack,  the the scared group gets together to regroup and Sam is attempting to calm them all ,using his best Pulp Fiction Jules Winfield voice …”stay calm   we will get out of here” .   I remember thinking  … hes getting to close to the water. Sure enough one of the sharks leaps out and drags Sam into the water kicking and screaming  It not believable …the movie is pretty bad… but it was awesome.  The only thing the would have topped that would be if somehow the sharks started reciting bible verses.

Charles Dutton in Aliens 3.   In Alien 3 Ripley wakes up in a prison colony with 2 of the creatures one roaming and one inside her . In a effort to trap the full grown one , Roc must hold off the creature while Ripley climbs up and pours a few  thousand gallons of molten lead on the beast …Cliched ?Yes! Predictable? yes!! Dutton screams  ” is that all you got… Is that as hard as you can bite .   Hes spitting like a cornered cat as he engaged the deadliest creatures know to man.. For a comparison it was like  watching  the “Real Housewife of New Jersey”  over and over.

Carl Weathers and Bill Duke In Predator I think we all can remember the scene   “I see you ”  Bill Duke Hisses…. Some how Carl Weathers takes about 30 seconds  to realize that hes looking at a 10 ft tall  invisible reptile who moves at the speed of light.  He stood a better chance fighting Ivan Drago in Rocky 4 ..With no visible shock   says “hey i see it too.  Nevertheless it was was somewhat fun to watch Apollo meet his match.  Bill Duke stood no chance. Funny though  The weapon on the predator blew off  Apollos arm ..Bill Dukes head and Jesse Venturas chest. The Terminator Arnie takes a direct hit to his shoulder and he gets a flesh wound.

Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man  Wesley Snipes grimaces and bares his pearly-whites ( what’s the deal with that awful blonde hairdo?).   Bad hair nevertheless   he sure seemed to be having fun until  he was freeze dried by Healthy Choice .   Kinda of wish  SLY”said  “Ice Ice Baby”   I think that would have ranked right up there with “ASTA la VeeSTA  baby     The only thing i remember about that movie is the crush I had on Sandra Bullock.  Wonder what ever happened to her

Dating a Hollywood Star, Jennifier Aniston and Fantasy women

Yesterday I ran into the one Hollywood actress at the airport  on her way to Vegas who I probably would willingly be Homeless if It meant a chance to date her. She has been a fantasy for a lot of men since the mid 90’s. She was smaller than I thought, and much more beautiful in person than I imagined. What made it more fascinating was that she was the nicest person she could be. I talked to for almost 2 hrs and you never got the impression it was about “being a Star” or being her and the burden of it all

When I was growing up I didn’t have multiple women when I was in high school or college. I was a diligent student, kind of nerdy, shy and in love with this tall blond. I could have been Steve Corell in The “40 yr old Virgin if events were different. I had potential of a truck driver if I applied myself. In fact my life was like a Lifetime movie about someone battling a rare disease. Just when you thought I would survive and get the Girl, I would have a freak accident, out would come the proverbial banana peel and I would slip and crack my head open on the one rock in the beautiful field of grass.

But something magical happened years later. Success and Travel came my way and before I knew it “unapproachable woman” were no longer being used in my language.

It didn’t take long to understand that a new kind of woman was interested in me, the sort of woman who in the past had stirred my insecurity. It was like a kid finding Batman’s belt in the lost and found. No point in giving it back until you’ve tried all your new powers. But you forgot to ask, will I be able to stop once I’ve tasted these powers?

Superficially, in Hollywood, the new bar for women was set based on the physical: some sort of exterior beauty, along with fame, sophistication, wild-child possibility, flirtation with the dark side.

As you climb the ladder, your social confidence explodes. You receive the sort of attention you never did when you were younger. It is addictive, and when you are in it, there seems to be no end in sight. The attention increases tenfold when you are dating a Hollywood Star. You become a star also.

But that life isn’t rooted in good practices; it’s more like, “flash your badge and they will come.” Your confidence is based on a pack mentality, strong in numbers. You can push aside the inconvenience of having to start a conversation — just by being in the V.I.P. section , the conversation is started for you. If you have a well-connected friend or an entourage to find you a companion, you might not need conversation at all. But you are not the “star” she is, Your existence is based on her. However your ego can’t tell the difference

The above dynamic grows exponentially, and before you can blink, your bad relationship habits are written and you become everything you complain about. It is amazing how easy it is, if you are not careful and grounded, to start seeing women/others as another accessory in your life. Its amazing also how you can look past it and not see the reflection in the mirror that caused the problem.

Reducing a relationship to time, money and X is usually a bad way to start. Relationships can get crafted around their whims. The spiritual significance of an enduring commitment falls by the wayside, giving way to limits and rules defined by the ego.

Although it doesn’t have to be this way, relationships can become part of the world of ego and illusions. No one is right for you, or good enough. Everyone is disposable. Witness the marrying up …dating down, adventures of Tiger Woods, Arnold and  Rep Wiener. You feel superior.

I was reminded of this when I ran into an old Hollywood girlfriend in Calif last month.

At the time she was the most beautiful woman I had ever see. A Hollywood actress who was constantly at the Playboy mansion It was like Jessica Rabbit had come to life. I was determined to make her mine. She had told me she had “dated’ George Clooney and Bruce Willis but I was what she wanted and I showered her with gifts and trips. But nothing about her was real as I was to find out including her name. Years later she was still looking for ‘Mr GoodBar” …still looking for a man who would treat her like a princess and no longer a choice for movies roles.

When I asked her of all the men who had come into her life wasn’t there one ?. She said she had been engaged 6 times but changed her mind. 12 yrs later she now sits in a bar in LA paying for yesterday, on Match.com with pictures from 10-15 yrs ago.

The thought now is if I were a up-and-coming actor, you would try to hook up only with A-List female celebrities. It’s like buying $50 million of free advertising. Kris Humphries was a genius dating Kim K. Oh, wait, he’s not an actor. Scratch that. Plus she married that Elf.

So lets say you’re Justin Theroux dating Jennifer Aniston or Adam Shulman when he was dating Anne Hathaway. Men who seem to have no prospects of a career other than being a photo back round for their girlfriend. (Friends with Benefits) and the other known more for stealing a mural in NYC in 2010.

For example in seven years Jennifer Anniston has made, 11 movies, eight clunkers, one above-average (for her) performance and only two solid box-office successes. Two for 11? Certainly nothing to put her on par with Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts or Reese Witherspoon. The other “Friends” stars faded into B- and C-list obscurity (or in Matt LeBlanc’s case, F-list), so why didn’t she?

The short answer: Because of the Angelina/Brad/Jennifer love triangle, which is like Brett Favre’s comeback/retirement/comeback routine multiplied by 10, but has been cruising along for twice as long. The saga evolved in various forms: the betrayal itself; the aftermath, when Anniston licked her wounds as “Brangelina” took off; her futile search for a bounce-back boyfriend; the Brangelina clan expanding; everyone feeling worse and worse for Aniston, with her finally admitting that she was still bummed out; the Brangelina clan expanding again; Aniston’s weird dalliance with the much younger John Mayer, which ended when he talked out of school about her; the Brangelina clan expanding again; Aniston approaching her 40th birthday and wanting a baby; the Brangelina clan producing twins; Aniston hitting 40 with no baby or husband; Aniston passing 40 with no baby or husband; and now we’re here.

People can’t get enough of this stuff. Us Weekly throws Aniston on its cover every few weeks — and if they can work Angelina into the split-cover, even better — just because Aniston resonates with women like no other celebrity. No matter how wealthy or famous or good-looking she is, the nuts and bolts of Aniston’s “tragic” story could have happened to anyone: She lost her scummy husband to a seductive co-worker. Maybe it was the worst thing that ever happened to her personally, but professionally? Godsend. She became America’s adorable little victim for seven years. People don’t read Us Weekly to see pictures of happily married couples. They read for drama. Tragedy. Betrayal. Acrimony. They read to see someone’s life spinning out of control, or to compare two people wearing the same dress, or to see someone taking out the garbage who’s “just like us.”

Aniston’s life resonates with that demographic better than anyone. Now she’s 45, still hunting for a man, her ovaries rumbling like Earl Campbell, but we’re all a little confused because … I mean, how could Jennifer Aniston, of all people, not find a man? How could someone that attractive need a friend to set her up on dates? What the hell is going on here? Is she secretly super-annoying? Is she terrible in bed? . Are her standards simply too high? Does she still pine for Pitt and any potential mate can sense it?

You’re not going to believe this, but I have a theory …

I think it’s all a farce. I think she gravitates toward guys who could never be a potential husband (seriously, John Mayer?) and FWBs (friends with benefits) over actually finding herself the right match. And here’s why: The longer this drags on, the longer she stays on the A list. Staying single, ending up with the wrong guys, pining for a baby but never having one … career move, career move, career move. Keeps her on magazine covers. Keeps people saying “I feel bad for Aniston, Brangelina really screwed her over; her life’s never been the same.” Keeps a built-in publicity buzz for every crappy movie she promotes. Really, it’s genius.

Aniston transferred that dynamic to the Hollywood world. Say she remarried in 2006 to one of those Rande Gerber-type rich guys who owns cool bars that are in hip hotels. And let’s say they had a kid in 2008. And another one this year. By 2010, would anyone care about Jennifer Aniston? NO!!!!!!!! Only if she was making good movies. Which, obviously, she doesn’t want to do. She’s happy being a likable celebrity with decent comic timing who plays herself in every movie (with only her hairstyle and co-star changing). I think that’s intentional, too. She could have taken more acting chances — remember how good she was in “Office Space,” or as the sexually frustrated wife in “She’s The One” — but seems much more interested in protecting her brand. You can’t differentiate between Aniston when she’s being interviewed, acting in a movie or staring at you on a magazine cover anymore. It’s all the same. That’s the way she wants it.

I say she’s much smarter than we think. Unlike with sports, she knows it’s better for her career if she never gets that ring. She will continue dating co-stars, bad-boy musicians and people with lousy hair for the foreseeable future. You watch. So feel sorry Justin but don’t feel sorry for Jennifer Aniston. She’s laughing all the way to the bank.

My fantasy Hollywood woman I met is over 40. (It’s not Anniston).

I could have easily been like any other figure who fell for the little guy with the pitchfork on his shoulder who tells you, “It’s all good, go younger..no one will know,…use who ever you can to get what you want… you can get away with it.” Don’t worry about tomorrow”.  The woman are disposable.   But that little guy on the Hollywood shoulder doesn’t tell you that in the real world, you don’t get away with it because even when you are the only one who knows, that is enough to destroy you. It just will happen from the inside out.

Crazy things I have been doing ,thinking , and noticing as I get older. I bet some of you can relate

Take a look at these 45 items and see if you find yourself relating

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
4. That’s enough, Nickelback.
5. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
6. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
7. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message board or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
8. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
9. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
10. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
11. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
12. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
13. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I trying to finish a text.
14. Was learning cursive really necessary?
15. LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
17. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
20. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)…ummm…Goonies”
21. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
22. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
23. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
24. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
25. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
26. Bad decisions make good stories.
27. Whenever I’m Facebook and I find out that their profile is public I feel like there will be somebody acting like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
28. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, people get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem.
29. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
30. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
31. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
32. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
33. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
34. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
35. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
36. When I meet a new person, I’m terrified of mentioning something they haven’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
37. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
38. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
39. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
40. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
41. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
42 Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
43. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
44. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
45 The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food.

Warning to men. How I almost lost my life shopping at Costco

It started out innocently enough.  I was asked to go to the store because we were low on shampoo. No biggie.  Quick errand.  I’ll be back in time for the start of the baseball game.  My mistake was listening to my girl when she asked me to go to COSTCO with her .

The second I entered the behemoth warehouse, I was overcome by the allure of wall-to-wall gigantic flat screen Hi-Def TVs showing exotic tropical waterfalls. Some in 3-D. Ooh! I noticed a sign that said if you buy the home theater sound system package, you can get a 65” flat screen HDTV for only $850 more. What a bargain. So I added an LG 65″ Class 3D 1080p 120Hz LED HDTV with 4 Pairs of 3D Glasses to my flatbed cart.

As I was lugging my cart towards the shampoo aisle, I couldn’t help but notice the festive Christmas tree display. An 8-ft Pre-Lit Clear Mixed Country Artificial Pine Christmas Tree complete with 800 Clear Dura-Lit Mini-lights for $20 off! Think how much I will save by buying it now before the holiday season. Plus, I’d be doing my part to save the world’s endangered commercial tree farms. So I wedged the tree in between the TV and the sound system and continued on my merry way.

I almost made it to the shampoo aisle when I noticed a commotion to my left. There was this fruit juicer demonstration, where the pitchman was transforming what looked to be kiwi fruit, bananas and Lego blocks into a delicious fruit smoothie in seconds. Wow! But this wasn’t just any juicer. This was the Vitamix 5200 Ultimate Juicer & Blender, on sale TODAY ONLY for just $649.99. I know what you’re thinking – isn’t that a bit steep for a juicer? Not when I tell you that it comes with a lifetime warranty on everything but the blade and the motor, and they even throw in a juicer recipe DVD. So, I added it to the cart.

And what’s better after a vigorous workout than a cold beer? That’s why I also had to get the Wine Enthusiast N’FINITY 340-bottle Multi-temp Glass Door Wine Cellar – a must have for only $2,999.99. Okay, I admit I don’t drink wine – or beer for that matter – but I’m fairly sure it could easily double as a fruit/vegetable crisper, which I will have plenty of, now that I bought the Vitamix 5200 juicer machine.

As I lugged my growing series of flatbed carts through the store, I happened upon the garden center display. I have to tell you that all-weather wrought iron patio set with collapsible umbrella looked so summery. But I was not about to succumb to that temptation – not when I already owned two other patio sets from previous trips to Costco. No, I realized that a much wiser investment would be the Easy Grow 8′ x 8′ Greenhouse with double doors and three vents for just $1,299.99. I actually had never thought about taking up horticulture until precisely that instant. But then I realized: what a wonderful hobby to do with my girl  when we retire 11 years from now. She will respect that I am planning ahead. Into the cart it went.

I’m not sure how long this buying contagion lasted. It was all a bit of a blur. One incredible bargain after another: a two-in-one gas-powered tiller-mulcher (for that exquisitely thatched lawn). Then there was the twelve-month supply of Huggies disposable diapers. I know my kid is all grown up. But the savings were too great to pass up.

I kept adding more items to more flatbed carts. It wasn’t until I got out of the store and noticed I had somehow also managed to purchase a Dayton brand Solid Wood Casket with an off-white, full-velvet interior and gold-plated swing bar handles that I suspected I might have gone a bit overboard. Okay, so I’d gone completely out of control. But I figured a casket might actually come in quite handy in the very near future, because, with everything I’d bought today, for sure my girl was going to kill me.

Shopping at Costco can be a dangerous adventure for any  male. As I sit here, writing about my reckless Costco buying binge, I have this nagging feeling that despite everything I bought, I still forgot something. For the life of me, I can’t think of what it might be….

Oh, damn. Shampoo.  Shes definitely gonna Kill me now.

“I coulda been a contenda for ya Anne Hathaway if I knew these things about dating when I was young


When you are young you think you know every thing about women and life. Being a big brother to multiple sisters I got taught universal truths about dating. If the women I dated were white, black, hispanic, or asian, I found this out about dating. Doing these will probably make you as non-datable as I was back when I was giving a really good impression of George McFly in ‘Back to the Future”.

1. Running water is your friend. Never forget that cologne is for after showering not instead of showering. Having her food taste like Chanel Platinum egoist usually doesn’t lead to a second date.

2. Pony tails on girls cute….on guys not so cute. Got rid of my Steven Segal look way too late

3. If your girlfriend is quiet for a while never ask her ‘what are you thinking” I guarantee the answer wont be “how attractive or great you are …the answer will never be fun. Think of the Movie “The Invention of Lying when Jennifer Garner first meets Ricky Gervais. That day the answer wasn’t fun.

4. Blue tooth. If you are wearing one in the car I am all for safety but if you are walking down the streets waving your arms or at a restaurant talking to your invisible friend you look like you should be hauled to Shutter island.

5 Saying “I miss High School” . Depressing vague and tragic. These are the guys who if lucky to procreate either assault umpires at little league or join state militias.

6 Men who don’t wear shirts outside are never the people women want to see naked. So in less you have a six-pack …keep it under cover.

7. Don’t get advice about women from the radio.. those shock jock types will get you where they are in the future …alone in a dark room. Yep welcome to the team…. Jackets are being made as we speak ..buffet at KFC cause that’s all you can afford.

8. It’s a numbers game …if you ask a woman for her telephone number and she asks for yours instead …she not interested. In fact she’s more likely to call a 800 number promising a 6 figure income then she is to call you. One woman gave me her boyfriends number just to make him jealous.

9 Pull it out when a check comes on a first date because when a woman pulls out her wallet its purely for show,,,she has no intention of paying. I know it’s not fair but those are the rules.

10 If you are bald .. be bald …women prefer no hair then the Ben franklin look….

11. Never ask a woman if she wants to drive on a first date …she never wants to drive, even if its Danica Patrick. Did that once only because I couldn’t drive a stick…lets just say there was no stick practice later that night.

12. Making love to a woman is like buying real estate… location… location and time at that location.

13. Tequilla should be sold with an instant camara attached so the next day you have some idea what you just did. Still to this day I don’t know how i ended up Montana.

14.”bros before hoes” The trojan war was fought over a woman. If you say that, your saying you rather spent a night with some guys you met at traffic school, than a beautiful woman. Besides If Brad Pitt can take one in the ankle for a beautiful woman so can we.

15. Never wear mesh clothing. When you wear mesh clothing you are saying to her you are so hot your regular cloths will burst into flames.

16 Frosting your hair..tell a woman THAT you will pick her up as soon as you are done frosting your tips.. “let me know how that goes” Atlanta Housewife.

17 Hawaiian shirts…my sister said that screams of insurance weekend white guy… wear one and you are now officially unsellable.

18 “G” G is the headache who thinks he a black gangsta rapper. THINK vanilla ice. He is neither black, nor gangster, or a rapper..but this doesn’t stop him from putting on the show. Most women will think “G” needs a whole team of real good doctors.

19 Pimp shoes…if a woman remarks about your shoes by saying “I have never seen anything like them before” you are wearing 80s pimp shoes. Wore one on a date and in about 1 hr I was walking like Red Foxx in Sanford and Son.

20 Crocs… if you are a surgeon or a short order cook then ok but if Facebook had a site saying “I don’t care you look like a dumb ass for wearing them”, then 350 million might think you look like a dumb ass.

21 If you show up for a date wearing camo clothing you are probably not looking for a love connection. You are more than likely looking like you want to smuggle something back to your make shift bomb shelter…quite possibly her.

22. Wearing your hat sideways. If you come to a date with a hat propped at a perfect angle you are saying “I am so cool that I spent time puckering my lips to get this look . You don’t look like a stud you look like a tool.

23. White socks with anything other than sneakers…no reason to go any further.

24. Body piercings …I am all about expression but remember this you still have to talk to people’s parents and bosses with that. and if you are 50 wearing an earring you better be an aging rock star, or a pirate, or you look like a fool

25. The Dreaded SPEEDOS. AKA.. THE GRAPE SMUGGLERS…wearing these will elicits gasps of horror from women of any age…men will look away ….children will cry…Angie Jolie wont adopt any more kids just on the possibility they will turn out to be you. I think I read a report a long time ago that said your sperm goes on strike also…..Just picture Randy Quaid in Vegas Vacation

26 Pregnant man…you are saying here you don’t exercise at all….if women can exercise in the 3rd trimester so can we.

27 Dont trust the lady’s room. When you are out on a date and two women go to the bathroom. They are talking about your prospects.

28.Saying “come to papa” to a woman. Conjuring up an image of a woman’s father is not going to take the night to Borats “sexy time”. More than likely you will be looked at like you are Borat.

29 Saying “it’s all good” You may as well have a sign that says ” I have a limited vocabulary”

30. Never refer to a woman as ma’am or dear even if she is 90. She’s probably not going to like it.

31 Cigarettes and Cigars. Save the sticks when we are hanging with our own kind. I am just glad I never smoked.

32 Bitter boy
Bitter boy isn’t so much of a look as it is a mindset. Bitter boy has personally never done anything wrong in his life…its the rest of us that’s screwing it up for him. Bitter boys biggest enemy is the vague and ever-present force know as “they “… they are always ruining every thing… keeping him down and the country down ..they are making it so that “bitter boy” can’t function can’t make a living. It doesn’t matter that bitter boy has had every opportunity in the world ….what matters now is that bitter boy life will only be better if he didn’t have to deal with cab drivers who Dont “speak ” the language or a woman who has a better job but can’t recognize his awesomeness. Bitter boys prospects of finding a good woman were like the knicks getting Lebron … they sucked.

Needless to say, the conversation was short and led to absolutely zero success.

A lot of these things I have done in my life …some I have seen and some I have heard about. But what was that saying with Marlon Brando in “On the Waterfront” …ah yes now I remember …. “I coulda been a contenda for ya Anne ” “I coulda been a contenda”

My fellow Americans, like the great Reverend Martin Luther King, I, too, have a dream.

This past week I went to see the movie Selma.    The iconic civil rights leader would have been 86 this year. On a swelteringly hot day in August 1963, Reverend King delivered one of the greatest oratories in American history – his famously inspiring “I have a dream” speech, which he delivered from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

While I don’t claim to possess Mr. King’s eloquence, I too have a dream. And it’s very personal. With your permission, I would like to share it with you today.


My fellow Americans, like the great Reverend Martin Luther King, I, too, have a dream.

I have a dream that one day there will be peace throughout the world, and that people of all races and religions will walk hand in hand, free from hatred, distrust or fear, united in a common belief that all men and all women are truly created equal in God’s eyes – with the possible exception of people who like Duck Dynasty.

I have a dream that one day I will be able to look out my window and see little white boys and girls playing with little black boys and girls and I’ll be able to shout out with joy and happiness, “Hey, you kids, get off my lawn!”

I have a dream that my daughter,  will one day be judged not by the color of her skin but by the content of her MCAT and GMAT graduate school test scores, which I hope and pray will be in the top 30 percentile. Otherwise, I doubt she ll get in, and then she’ll end up moving back home.

I have a dream that even in the sweltering state of Mississippi, where race relations still simmer, my hotel room will have air conditioning and one of those pools with a circular slide, or else I will never visit Mississippi in the summer time. Or Louisiana, for that matter.

I have a dream that I will soon be able to retire with a full pension even though my employer does not actually have a pension plan,  I can dream, can’t I?

I have a dream that one day I will be able to sleep through an entire night and not have to get up to go to the bathroom a single time.

I have a dream that one day, perhaps in the far distant future, my kids will return home to me and circle around me in a loving embrace and tell me that they forgive me for all the times I took away their cell phones for misbehaving when they were young. As I said previously, it’s a dream! Please don’t shatter my dream.

I have a dream that one day my hair will stop falling out and that I will not become like my Uncle – bald as a cue ball. I will settle for a bad comb-over like my Uncle Bert.

I have a dream that the next time I buy a giant new flat screen TV, I won’t need a Ph.D. in computer technology to set it up.

I have a dream that all Americans, regardless of political stripe, will come together in a spirit of unity and brotherhood and proclaim Rush Limbaugh the most bombastic ass in American media history. (But I will be okay if they select Bill O’Reilly instead.)

I have a dream that someday, I will learn how to hit a straight tee shot that actually ends up in the fairway.

I have a dream that one day, not far from now, that my  BMW, or perhaps an Audi – preferably in metallic royal blue, with heated leather seats, one that comes fully loaded – including a Bose 15-speaker surround-sound system – in the hopes that finally I will own a car that makes my neighbors jealous.

I have a dream that before I die, I will travel to the four corners of the world and experience the rainbow of rich cultures from Peru to Persia and beyond and learn about the customs of the local people, as they serve me a frozen lime daiquiri, while I lie poolside in a deck chair under a cabana, exchanging air kisses with Beyoncé.

I have a dream too - ManhattanI have a dream that I will wake up to find my home miraculously equipped with a new 12’ x 12’ hot tub, along with a state-of-the-art remote controlled fire pit in the back yard, and a giant outdoor all-weather theater system, oh, and a bowling alley in my basement – with an elevator, so I don’t have to take the stairs. And all of this will have been paid for an anonymous benefactor whose business card simply reads, The Condor.

I believe this dream can come true someday, brothers and sisters – except for that part about hitting a straight tee shot.

And when that day arrives, let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, that day when all of God’s children, black and white, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing together: Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last – well, from lower back pain anyway.