This Thanksgiving save a vegetable. Won’t you join us? Join PETP Today!

Right now, someone is sitting in a songwriting session in Atlanta writing one of your favorite songs. In a studio across town, someone is recording another song, and this one too will be one of your favorites. The producer just suggested a change in the bridge and the musicians had to go back and re-record the track. You will never hear the original version – the version the songwriter liked best.

But that’s not what I’m writing about tonight. That’s all I had on the above subject and knew it wasn’t worth it, so I just piggybacked onto this about vegetable torture.

Let’s think for a moment about all the horrible things vegetables will be  exposed to this Thanksgiving . Every time you hear the word vegetable from now on, think of them as ground kittens. The life of a vegetable (ground kitten) in modern times is one of tumult, torture, and testicle-busting suckiness (had to get three ‘T words’ in a row. Testicle-busting was the best I could do.)

They’re yanked out of the ground or clipped from their trees, bushes, or vines, and placed immediately into dark cardboard boxes. Spanish is the first language they are exposed to, so they are confused by your English as you feel them up at the grocery store. Squeeze ’em a little. Throw them back. But even getting thrown back is better than what happens to you if you’re selected. Most of the time your life is shortened quickly. Sometimes you end up rotting away, a slow and painful death, inside the produce drawer of the fridge. Some of their fellow inmates have left in body bags, their own bodies having liquefied into ghastly soup. Those who weren’t forgotten end up on the chopping block, usually losing a part of themselves to a sharp knife. Some are pulverized beyond recognition. Some are even julienned.

Then into the hot oven or skillet. But even that is not as bad as the pure evil emanating from the microwave. Those unfortunate enough to end up in the microwave have the most horrific death of all, especially if they’re rotating. Basically their brains begin to warp and right before they die, they’re all convinced that they’re David Hasselhoff.

You can stop this abuse by joining the PETP. People for the Ethical Treatment of Produce. I know some of you jokers out there are going to say People who Eat Tasty Vegetables, or some such nonsense. Ha Ha. LOL. Very funny. If you’re a fourth grader. Go ahead. Make fun. Vegetables are being tortured around you every day and you obviously don’t give a rat’s ass. As a matter of fact, some of you have vegetables on your breath right now!

To those of you with a heart, who have morals and character – if you won’t join us, the VT (veggie torture) will go on and on, unabated for generations. For $25 a month, join the Stop the Veggie Torture Club sponsored by the PETP. You’ll get a T- shirt with our slogan, a baseball cap that looks like a tomato, and year’s supply of Ralwus’ Delicious Dirt Brownie Mix. Most of the folks in PETP are in PETA, and there are very few things for them to eat anymore. Dirt is actually pretty tasty with a little salt. Won’t you join us?

Join PETP Today!