“I coulda been a contenda for ya Anne Hathaway if I knew these things about dating when I was young

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When you are young you think you know every thing about women and life. Being a big brother to multiple sisters I got taught universal truths about dating. If the women I dated were white, black, hispanic, or asian, I found this out about dating. Doing these will probably make you as non-datable as I was back when I was giving a really good impression of George McFly in ‘Back to the Future”.

1. Running water is your friend. Never forget that cologne is for after showering not instead of showering. Having her food taste like Chanel Platinum egoist usually doesn’t lead to a second date.

2. Pony tails on girls cute….on guys not so cute. Got rid of my Steven Segal look way too late

3. If your girlfriend is quiet for a while never ask her ‘what are you thinking” I guarantee the answer wont be “how attractive or great you are …the answer will never be fun. Think of the Movie “The Invention of Lying when Jennifer Garner first meets Ricky Gervais. That day the answer wasn’t fun.

4. Blue tooth. If you are wearing one in the car I am all for safety but if you are walking down the streets waving your arms or at a restaurant talking to your invisible friend you look like you should be hauled to Shutter island.

5 Saying “I miss High School” . Depressing vague and tragic. These are the guys who if lucky to procreate either assault umpires at little league or join state militias.

6 Men who don’t wear shirts outside are never the people women want to see naked. So in less you have a six-pack …keep it under cover.

7. Don’t get advice about women from the radio.. those shock jock types will get you where they are in the future …alone in a dark room. Yep welcome to the team…. Jackets are being made as we speak ..buffet at KFC cause that’s all you can afford.

8. It’s a numbers game …if you ask a woman for her telephone number and she asks for yours instead …she not interested. In fact she’s more likely to call a 800 number promising a 6 figure income then she is to call you. One woman gave me her boyfriends number just to make him jealous.

9 Pull it out when a check comes on a first date because when a woman pulls out her wallet its purely for show,,,she has no intention of paying. I know it’s not fair but those are the rules.

10 If you are bald .. be bald …women prefer no hair then the Ben franklin look….

11. Never ask a woman if she wants to drive on a first date …she never wants to drive, even if its Danica Patrick. Did that once only because I couldn’t drive a stick…lets just say there was no stick practice later that night.

12. Making love to a woman is like buying real estate… location… location and time at that location.

13. Tequilla should be sold with an instant camara attached so the next day you have some idea what you just did. Still to this day I don’t know how i ended up Montana.

14.”bros before hoes” The trojan war was fought over a woman. If you say that, your saying you rather spent a night with some guys you met at traffic school, than a beautiful woman. Besides If Brad Pitt can take one in the ankle for a beautiful woman so can we.

15. Never wear mesh clothing. When you wear mesh clothing you are saying to her you are so hot your regular cloths will burst into flames.

16 Frosting your hair..tell a woman THAT you will pick her up as soon as you are done frosting your tips.. “let me know how that goes” Atlanta Housewife.

17 Hawaiian shirts…my sister said that screams of insurance weekend white guy… wear one and you are now officially unsellable.

18 “G” G is the headache who thinks he a black gangsta rapper. THINK vanilla ice. He is neither black, nor gangster, or a rapper..but this doesn’t stop him from putting on the show. Most women will think “G” needs a whole team of real good doctors.

19 Pimp shoes…if a woman remarks about your shoes by saying “I have never seen anything like them before” you are wearing 80s pimp shoes. Wore one on a date and in about 1 hr I was walking like Red Foxx in Sanford and Son.

20 Crocs… if you are a surgeon or a short order cook then ok but if Facebook had a site saying “I don’t care you look like a dumb ass for wearing them”, then 350 million might think you look like a dumb ass.

21 If you show up for a date wearing camo clothing you are probably not looking for a love connection. You are more than likely looking like you want to smuggle something back to your make shift bomb shelter…quite possibly her.

22. Wearing your hat sideways. If you come to a date with a hat propped at a perfect angle you are saying “I am so cool that I spent time puckering my lips to get this look . You don’t look like a stud you look like a tool.

23. White socks with anything other than sneakers…no reason to go any further.

24. Body piercings …I am all about expression but remember this you still have to talk to people’s parents and bosses with that. and if you are 50 wearing an earring you better be an aging rock star, or a pirate, or you look like a fool

25. The Dreaded SPEEDOS. AKA.. THE GRAPE SMUGGLERS…wearing these will elicits gasps of horror from women of any age…men will look away ….children will cry…Angie Jolie wont adopt any more kids just on the possibility they will turn out to be you. I think I read a report a long time ago that said your sperm goes on strike also…..Just picture Randy Quaid in Vegas Vacation

26 Pregnant man…you are saying here you don’t exercise at all….if women can exercise in the 3rd trimester so can we.

27 Dont trust the lady’s room. When you are out on a date and two women go to the bathroom. They are talking about your prospects.

28.Saying “come to papa” to a woman. Conjuring up an image of a woman’s father is not going to take the night to Borats “sexy time”. More than likely you will be looked at like you are Borat.

29 Saying “it’s all good” You may as well have a sign that says ” I have a limited vocabulary”

30. Never refer to a woman as ma’am or dear even if she is 90. She’s probably not going to like it.

31 Cigarettes and Cigars. Save the sticks when we are hanging with our own kind. I am just glad I never smoked.

32 Bitter boy
Bitter boy isn’t so much of a look as it is a mindset. Bitter boy has personally never done anything wrong in his life…its the rest of us that’s screwing it up for him. Bitter boys biggest enemy is the vague and ever-present force know as “they “… they are always ruining every thing… keeping him down and the country down ..they are making it so that “bitter boy” can’t function can’t make a living. It doesn’t matter that bitter boy has had every opportunity in the world ….what matters now is that bitter boy life will only be better if he didn’t have to deal with cab drivers who Dont “speak ” the language or a woman who has a better job but can’t recognize his awesomeness. Bitter boys prospects of finding a good woman were like the knicks getting Lebron … they sucked.

Needless to say, the conversation was short and led to absolutely zero success.

A lot of these things I have done in my life …some I have seen and some I have heard about. But what was that saying with Marlon Brando in “On the Waterfront” …ah yes now I remember …. “I coulda been a contenda for ya Anne ” “I coulda been a contenda”

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My fellow Americans, like the great Reverend Martin Luther King, I, too, have a dream.

This past week I went to see the movie Selma.    The iconic civil rights leader would have been 86 this year. On a swelteringly hot day in August 1963, Reverend King delivered one of the greatest oratories in American history – his famously inspiring “I have a dream” speech, which he delivered from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

While I don’t claim to possess Mr. King’s eloquence, I too have a dream. And it’s very personal. With your permission, I would like to share it with you today.

 

My fellow Americans, like the great Reverend Martin Luther King, I, too, have a dream.

I have a dream that one day there will be peace throughout the world, and that people of all races and religions will walk hand in hand, free from hatred, distrust or fear, united in a common belief that all men and all women are truly created equal in God’s eyes – with the possible exception of people who like Duck Dynasty.

I have a dream that one day I will be able to look out my window and see little white boys and girls playing with little black boys and girls and I’ll be able to shout out with joy and happiness, “Hey, you kids, get off my lawn!”

I have a dream that my daughter,  will one day be judged not by the color of her skin but by the content of her MCAT and GMAT graduate school test scores, which I hope and pray will be in the top 30 percentile. Otherwise, I doubt she ll get in, and then she’ll end up moving back home.

I have a dream that even in the sweltering state of Mississippi, where race relations still simmer, my hotel room will have air conditioning and one of those pools with a circular slide, or else I will never visit Mississippi in the summer time. Or Louisiana, for that matter.

I have a dream that I will soon be able to retire with a full pension even though my employer does not actually have a pension plan,  I can dream, can’t I?

I have a dream that one day I will be able to sleep through an entire night and not have to get up to go to the bathroom a single time.

I have a dream that one day, perhaps in the far distant future, my kids will return home to me and circle around me in a loving embrace and tell me that they forgive me for all the times I took away their cell phones for misbehaving when they were young. As I said previously, it’s a dream! Please don’t shatter my dream.

I have a dream that one day my hair will stop falling out and that I will not become like my Uncle – bald as a cue ball. I will settle for a bad comb-over like my Uncle Bert.

I have a dream that the next time I buy a giant new flat screen TV, I won’t need a Ph.D. in computer technology to set it up.

I have a dream that all Americans, regardless of political stripe, will come together in a spirit of unity and brotherhood and proclaim Rush Limbaugh the most bombastic ass in American media history. (But I will be okay if they select Bill O’Reilly instead.)

I have a dream that someday, I will learn how to hit a straight tee shot that actually ends up in the fairway.

I have a dream that one day, not far from now, that my  BMW, or perhaps an Audi – preferably in metallic royal blue, with heated leather seats, one that comes fully loaded – including a Bose 15-speaker surround-sound system – in the hopes that finally I will own a car that makes my neighbors jealous.

I have a dream that before I die, I will travel to the four corners of the world and experience the rainbow of rich cultures from Peru to Persia and beyond and learn about the customs of the local people, as they serve me a frozen lime daiquiri, while I lie poolside in a deck chair under a cabana, exchanging air kisses with Beyoncé.

I have a dream too - ManhattanI have a dream that I will wake up to find my home miraculously equipped with a new 12’ x 12’ hot tub, along with a state-of-the-art remote controlled fire pit in the back yard, and a giant outdoor all-weather theater system, oh, and a bowling alley in my basement – with an elevator, so I don’t have to take the stairs. And all of this will have been paid for an anonymous benefactor whose business card simply reads, The Condor.

I believe this dream can come true someday, brothers and sisters – except for that part about hitting a straight tee shot.

And when that day arrives, let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, that day when all of God’s children, black and white, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing together: Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last – well, from lower back pain anyway.