PETP. People for the Ethical Treatment of Produce

Right now, someone is sitting in a songwriting session in Atlanta writing one of your favorite songs. In a studio across town, someone is recording another song, and this one too will be one of your favorites. The producer just suggested a change in the bridge and the musicians had to go back and re-record the track. You will never hear the original version – the version the songwriter liked best.

But that’s not what I’m writing about tonight. That’s all I had on the above subject and knew it wasn’t worth it, so I just piggybacked onto this about vegetable torture.

Let’s think for a moment about all the horrible things vegetables are exposed to on a daily basis. Every time you hear the word vegetable from now on, think of them as ground kittens. The life of a vegetable (ground kitten) in modern times is one of tumult, torture, and testicle-busting suckiness (had to get three ‘T words’ in a row. Testicle-busting was the best I could do.)

They’re yanked out of the ground or clipped from their trees, bushes, or vines, and placed immediately into dark cardboard boxes. Spanish is the first language they are exposed to, so they are confused by your English as you feel them up at the grocery store. Squeeze ’em a little. Throw them back. But even getting thrown back is better than what happens to you if you’re selected. Most of the time your life is shortened quickly. Sometimes you end up rotting away, a slow and painful death, inside the produce drawer of the fridge. Some of their fellow inmates have left in body bags, their own bodies having liquefied into ghastly soup. Those who weren’t forgotten end up on the chopping block, usually losing a part of themselves to a sharp knife. Some are pulverized beyond recognition. Some are even julienned.

Then into the hot oven or skillet. But even that is not as bad as the pure evil emanating from the microwave. Those unfortunate enough to end up in the microwave have the most horrific death of all, especially if they’re rotating. Basically their brains begin to warp and right before they die, they’re all convinced that they’re David Hasselhoff.

You can stop this abuse by joining the PETP. People for the Ethical Treatment of Produce. I know some of you jokesters out there are going to say People who Eat Tasty Vegetables, or some such nonsense. Ha Ha. LOL. Very funny. If you’re a fourth grader. Go ahead. Make fun. Vegetables are being tortured around you every day and you obviously don’t give a rat’s ass. As a matter of fact, some of you have vegetables on your breath right now!

To those of you with a heart, who have morals and character – if you won’t join us, the VT (veggie torture) will go on and on, unabated for generations. For $25 a month, join the Stop the Veggie Torture Club sponsored by the PETP. You’ll get a T- shirt with our slogan, a baseball cap that looks like a tomato, and year’s supply of Ralwus’ Delicious Dirt Brownie Mix. Most of the folks in PETP are in PETA, and there are very few things for them to eat anymore. Dirt is actually pretty tasty with a little salt. Won’t you join us?

Join PETP Today!

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75 mistakes unhappy people make in life

A person does not have to be behind bars to be a prisoner. People can be prisoners of their own concepts, choices and ideas. So tell the negativity committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up.

When you dream, you better dream big; when you think, you better think big; and when you love, you better love truthfully. Happiness is a choice. There are no excuses for not trying to make the very best out of your life. There are no excuses for living in a way that consistently makes you unhappy.

Thinking that you have already missed your chance. – Your life, with all its ups and downs, has molded you for the greater good. Your life has been exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think you’ve lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the current moment. And every moment of your life, including this one right now, is a fresh start.

If you have the courage to admit when you’re scared, the ability to laugh even as you cry, the nerve to speak up even if your voice is shaking, the confidence to ask for help when you need it, and the wisdom to take it when it’s offered, then you have everything you need to get yourself to a better place.

Using failed relationships as an excuse. – Life doesn’t always introduce you to the people you WANT to meet. Sometimes life puts you in touch with the people you NEED to meet – to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to gradually strengthen you into the person you were meant to become.

Changing who you are to satisfy others. – No matter how loud their opinions are, others cannot choose who you are. The question should not be, “Why don’t they like me when I’m being me?” It should be, “Why am I wasting my time worrying what they think of me?” If you are not hurting anyone with your actions, keep moving forward with your life. Be happy. Be yourself. If others don’t like it, then let them be. Life isn’t about pleasing everybody.

Putting up with negative people and negative thinking. – It’s time to walk away from all the drama and the people who create it. Surround yourself with those who make you smile. Love the people who treat you right, and pray for the ones who don’t. Forget the negative and focus on the positive. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Making mistakes and falling down is a part of life, but getting back up and moving on is what LIVING is all about.

Focusing all of your attention on another time and place. – This day will never happen again. Enjoy it. Cherish your time. It’s often hard to tell the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory. Someday you may discover that the small things were really the big things. So learn to appreciate what you have before time forces you appreciate what you once had.

Dale Carnegie once said, “It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It’s what you think about.”

I don’t think anyone could say it any better than that. I’ve watched so many friends search tirelessly for happiness by changing jobs, moving to new cities, pursuing intimate relationships, and tweaking all sorts of other external factors in their lives. And guess what? They’re still unhappy. Because they spend all of their time and money adding positive externals to their lives when their internals are still in the negatives.

So with that in mind, here are 75 ways to stay unhappy forever. Of course, I would highly recommend you read each bullet point and then move swiftly in the opposite direction.

Dwell on things that happened in the past.
Obsess yourself with all the things that might happen in the future.
Complain about problems instead of taking the necessary steps to resolve them.
Fear change and resist it.
Work hard, do your best and then condemn yourself for not achieving perfection.
Belittle yourself.
Hang out with other people who belittle you.
Try to control everything and then worry about the things you can’t control.
Lie to yourself and those around you.
Keep doing the same thing over and over again.
Be lazy and follow the path of least resistance.
Hold onto anger. Never forgive anyone.
Always be right. Never let anyone else be more right than you.
Compare yourself unfavorably to those who you feel are more successful.
Let small issues snowball into big problems.
Never learn anything new.
Never take responsibility for your own actions.
Blame everyone around you.
Don’t ask for directions and don’t ask questions.
Don’t let anyone help you.
Quit when the going gets tough.
Be suspicious. Trust no one.
Get four hours of sleep every night and convince yourself that it’s enough.
Never throw anything way. Even if you don’t use it, hold onto it.
Say “yes” to everyone. Fill all your time with commitments.
Try to be everyone’s friend.
Never spend any time alone.
Don’t help others unless you have to. Do only the things that benefit you directly.
Hang out with people who complain about everything.
Focus on what you don’t want to happen.
Fear the things you don’t fully understand.
Always seek external validation before you consider yourself good enough.
Take everything and everyone in life seriously.
Spend your life working in a career field you aren’t passionate about.
Focus on the problems.
Think about all the things you don’t have.
Read or watch lots of depressing news from broadcast media.
Set lofty goals for yourself and never do anything to achieve them.
Never exercise.
Only eat junk food and fried food.
Never check-up on your health.
Setup your lifestyle so it revolves around money.
Spend more than you earn and rack up lots of financial debt.
Don’t say what you mean. Don’t mean what you say.
Frown.
Never tell anyone how you feel or what you’re thinking.
Make sure everything you do impresses someone else.
Always put your own needs on the back burner.
Get involved in other people problems and make them your own.
Make others feel bad about themselves.
Watch TV for several hours every day.
Gamble often.
Stay in the same place. Don’t travel.
Don’t play, just work.
Let your hobbies go.
Let your close relationships go.
Never finish what you start.
Take everything personally.
Do lots of drugs. Drink lots of alcohol.
Never say, “I’m sorry.” Never say, “I love you.”
Don’t work hard at anything.
Always wait until the last minute.
Believe that, no matter what, you are entitled to things.
Let others make decisions for you.
Remember the insults. Forget the compliments.
Let it all bottle up inside.
Rely on others for everything.
Fail to plan.
Don’t dream.
Don’t think about the future at all.
Always disregard other people’s opinions and suggestions.
Make promises you can’t keep.
Don’t decide on anything, ever.
Just keep going and going and going. And never ever stop.

And now that you know what not to do, You now know a secret about happiness.