Brilliant and beautiful, smart women are just hotter. My All-Star LineUP

I see smart women everywhere. Brilliant and beautiful, smart women are just hotter. Maggie Gyllenhaal, Anne Hathaway Amanda Peet, Danica McKellar, Angela Bassett, Natalie Portman, Cindy Crawford, Aishwarya Rai, Kate Beckinsale, Dr. Victoria Zdrok, Famke Janssen, Jennifer Connelly, Mellisa Harris Perry, Cris Jansing and Nina Arveson. I am sure there are more I could come up with a longer list but this is my ode to the beautiful and brainy.

But some history first how I came to this conclusion. One of the qualities that God blessed me when I was younger was a cavalier attitude. In my 20’s I would take things seriously, provided I felt I liked it and it directly benefited me. Like many men, my favorite type of women were dumb, hot ones. They did not ask questions, they did not prattle on endlessly, and they made for great arm candy. Yet despite my best attempts to avoid growing as a person, I started gravitating towards women of substance. This was not a happy decision. Like Godfather 3 ” Just when you thought you were out they pull you back in ”

I remember being 18 and attending Rutgers university. Some of us would go to Mount Saint Mary’s in the pickup truck, trolling for what we called a “taste of Catholicism.” We would arrive before their classes started and ask the girls “How many of you are Catholic?” They would look at us like it was a trick question, at which point I became delighted, knowing they were even dumber than we initially suspected. We would ask the question again, and all of the girls would raise their hands. We then asked how many of them were disgusted by this fact. Three or four women would have their hands up, and we would tell them “get in the truck. It’s conversion time.”

I read an article by some feminist writer who criticized the Spice Girls (Anyone who criticizes Posh Spice for any reason should be shot. David Beckham is proof of why getting rich is vital in a capitalist society). This writer explained that girls should use their brains to attract boys. While initially I dismissed this as nonsense, her point about men was valid.

“Of course men get excited about what is underneath your shirt. Who cares? They also get excited over jelly donuts.”

I realized that this woman was 100% correct. Then I forgot what the article was about as I thought.. “You know, at 2 in the morning, I could use a jelly donut.”

However, the advice she offered did not resonate for too long, because thankfully I was given a short attention span (MTV rocked!). The problem was not that the smart women were doing anything right. It was that the dumb women could not stop doing things wrong. The smart women were winning by default.

Long ago when I was dating an arm candy muppet from Hollywood years back, everything came to a head when a group of 12 of us were sitting around the table discussing Middle Eastern politics. She wanted to talk about Britney Spears’s Pepsi commercial. I broke up with her the next day. The problem with dumb girls is they do not know when to be dumb and quiet. The sex was fine, but every once in awhile an intelligent conversation would be necessary.

Things got worse when I tried to relax by my building’s jacuzzi one night. A woman, drunk, giggling, and popping out of her top (normally a trifecta of delight) asked me if I lived in the building. When I replied that I did, she told me that she found that very hard to believe. She said “I have a friend who looks just like you, and he does not live here.”

Since I did not have a shotgun within reach, I was hoping she would simply let her chest do the talking for her. I explained that I was a different person. She pointed out that I had a different name than her friend, a different career, and had a different accent. After I repeatedly pointed out she had the wrong guy, she looked at me intensely, close enough for me to go “motorboarding” between her, and asked me “Tell me the truth. Who are you?”

In a desperate attempt to end the conversation, in my worst tv superhero impersonation I replied “I’m Batman.” At this point she scolded me and said “No you are not. You are not Batman. You lied to me. Everything you have said to me is a lie. You don’t even live here.”

While pounding my fist in frustration at the realization that I had to listen to her and she would not be getting naked with me (the worst of all combinations), I thought “Maybe she is right. Maybe I don’t live here.” I was beginning to see just how deep the rabbit hole was and I had to stop tumbling.

I once fell for a woman who had laryngitis, but then she got her voice back. I also wondered what it would be like to date one of those women who couldnt speak english. It must cut down on back talk.

Somewhere along the line I kept running into women who, despite being intelligent, were not insufferable. I met women who were smart and assertive and beautiful. Conversations took place that actually had value. Some of these women even had morals as loose as their dumber counterparts (although still not as loose as mine, unfortunately).

I guess people need to give each other a chance. If blacks and whites can sing “we shall overcome,” and the Catholics and Protestants can reach peace in Northern Ireland, and James Carville can marry Mary Matalin (boy did he luck out), then I owe it to myself to date smart women…besides, if they drive me crazy , I can always find a dumb one that is too dumb to argue. 🙂

As a New Yorker being in Texas it was life on Mars; but I survived and so can you

As a New Yorker being in Texas for 2 yrs it was quite literally life on Mars. Stunned like Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes screaming its a “madhouse”

I learned my ways until I was able to survive and head back to the Motherland…the Bronx. I escaped to live another day. But if you do have to go to Texas I hope the lessons below will help you survive.

1. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean They can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
4. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
9. Get used to the phrase “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”. And the collateral phrase “You call this hot? Wait’ll August.”
10. There are no delis. Don’t ask.
11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man’s shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.
12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.
13. Brisket is not ‘cooked’ in an oven
14. Don’t tell them how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
15. If you think it’s too hot, don’t worry. It’ll cool down-in December.
16. They have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!
17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.
18. If someone tells you “Don’t worry, those peppers aren’t hot” you can be certain they are.
19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won’t do it.
20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don’t ask.
21. If someone says they’re “fixin” to do something, that doesn’t mean anything’s broken.
22. Don’t even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is ‘Margarita.’
23. If you don’t understand their passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.
24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called “courtesy”.
26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
27. No matter what you’ve seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.
28. “Tea” = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.
30. You better learn the way of the Cowboys. If you don’t your life will be like the last Human in ‘The Walking Dead’ Chances of survival are not good
31. Most of all be wary of the Texas woman. Not only are they beautiful but their tears are like a Love Potion. Its in the water. That’s why they say “don’t drink the water in Texas” or was that Mexico. I forget….still haven’t recovered fully
from that Texas heat yet….sorry

Do you know who your friends are? What makes your friends your friends in life or on Facebook


Serious question: Do you know who your friends are? What makes your friends your friends in life or on Facebook

Last night I sat on the couch with an old friend. She is going through a hard time in her life for her husband was killed in Afganistan 2 yrs ago. Fittingly, it was this friend and her husband who stood by me as I went through my hard time and now I was doing the same for her. She cried, but not because it was sad The emotional intensity of it all was so overwhelming that she ended up in tears. During this time the Movie Notting Hill playing in the backround.

The experience was jarring for me. Not because I minded crying or sharing that kind of experience with a friend. It was jarring because sitting there and feeling what a close friendship is, I realized that a lot of people that I call “good friends” aren’t really good friends at all. I realized how readily I use terms like “good friend” or “close friend” with people I’ll never have this kind of experience with.

In this age of omniconnectedness, words like “network,” “community” and even “friends” no longer mean what they used to. Networks don’t exist on LinkedIn. A community is not something that happens on a blog or on Twitter. And a friend is more than someone whose online status you check. A friend is an emotional bond, just like friendship is a human experience. What I’ve learned is that I’ve too often confused the weak bonds I have with people I know with the strong bonds I have with friends. This may not seem like a big deal, but it is.

A friend is someone with whom we share deep trust. The strong bond we have with a friend means that person will be there for us no matter what. The reason I made it through a few years ago was because someone was there for me at a time when I could offer nothing in return. The strong bond of friendship is not always a balanced equation; friendship is not always about giving and taking in equal shares. Instead, friendship is grounded in a feeling that you know exactly who will be there for you when you need something, no matter what or when.

There is a difference between vulnerability and telling people everything about yourself. Vulnerability is a feeling. Telling everyone about yourself is just facts and details. The problem is the more we share about ourselves on Facebook, for example, the more we confuse all that information with having others “get to know us.” Someone can look through our pictures, read our comments and opinions and start to think they know who we are, but they don’t. They only know what they see and read. Worse, the feeling they may have toward us is one-sided.

This phenomenon is called a parasocial relationship — a relationship in which one person knows much more about the other. This is what happens with celebrities. Because we can read about their public lives in the tabloids and hear about what they are doing on TMZ, we think we know them. But we don’t know anything about who they are. Everyone see’s what they appear to be but few feel what they are

I “friend” a movie star who lived in Toronto. I sent her a message that I was coming to see Toronto and she posted on Facebook that she would like to show me the city and go together. I told her my dates but when I was ready to to go and emailed her she never responded and was nowhere to be found.

A “movie star” who I had many connections with gave me her personal email and said she wanted to keep in touch. I never asked her for it. But when I emailed her she never responded. Months later when she came back after reading how she was planning to have a baby with her boyfriend … she claimed “she missed me” . Two weeks later she was off Facebook again.

In our modern world, however, we are all celebrities and we all live semipublic lives. Others can read about what we’re doing and who we know and what we like. They can start to form bonds with us, but those bonds are one-sided and they are not the basis for real, close friendship. I was not friends with her and nor did I expect her to come through or even see her. The reality is those people are acquaintances — a term we rarely hear anymore.
Although I like the movie ‘Notting Hill’ I have no desire to be a character in it.

I was reminded of this when I ran into an old Hollywood girlfriend in Calif recently

At the time she was the most beautiful woman I had ever see. A Hollywood actress who was constantly at the Playboy mansion. It was like Jessica Rabbit had come to life. I was determined to make her mine. She had told me she had “dated’ George Clooney and Bruce Willis but I was what she wanted and I showered her with gifts and trips. But nothing about her was real as I was to find out including her name. Years later she was still looking for ‘Mr GoodBar” …still looking for a man who would treat her like a princess and no longer a choice for movies roles.

When I asked her of all the men who had come into her life wasn’t there one?. She said she had been engaged 3 times but changed her mind. Now she sits in a bar in LA paying for yesterday, on Match.com with pictures from 10-15 yrs ago.

There are lots of people who tell me they are my friend. They seem to act like friends, but they aren’t really friends. I don’t, and probably won’t ever, share that kind of deep, strong relationship with them.

I have one business relationship who, when he introduces me to people, introduces me as “my close friend, Every time he does so, it makes me uneasy, because we’re not close friends. I’m not sure we’re even friends. Another professional relationship, almost from the day we met, would tell me, “this is the start of a long and close friendship.” He acted like a friend too. He would send me e-mails to say hi, call to chat, and he’d want to hang out when we were in the same city. But when we couldn’t agree on the terms of a formal business relationship, all of a sudden my “new close friend” stopped calling, stopped e-mailing and no longer wanted to spend time with me.

As my life becomes even more public, I meet lots of people and I form genuine friendships with some, but most are just acquaintances or professional relationships. The problem is that there are lots of people who think they know me. They think they are my friends. Yet friendship is too quixotic to be formed by a decision. It’s a feeling more like love. You can’t decide to be friends with someone. You can’t request it. It just happens.

Facebook is good at connecting people with common interests. We can easily form weak bonds with people online. And those relationships are good and have real value, but strong bonds, trust and deep friendships require physical interaction — and lots of it. I no more believed Rachel McAdams or Anne Hathaway were my friends than I believe I am going to be POPE. I have never met them nor do I expect I will. But unfortunately a lot of people do and that’s what can be painful for a-lot who do live their lives through Hollywood.

But the lesson I learned this week is more of a reminder. I have too often confused the weak bonds I have with people. I know with the strong bonds I have with people who are my friends. When I run the names of the people I call “good friends” through this new filter, I realize that I don’t have as many good friends as I thought. And that’s not a bad thing, because the ones I do have I value even more.

My family member who is a casting agent for the past 30 yrs told me something that still resonated.
” Everyone wants to ride the limo with you when times are good. But what you want is the friend who will hop on the bus with you and drive when the limo breaks down. Then you will know who your real friends are.” In Hollywood she said ‘Until that happens you will never know who is your real friend or who is real. That’s why I don’t envy those who have 1000 friends . I envy those those who have 1-3 good friends because that’s what everyone in this town really wants”

That applies everywhere.

The Black Guy Always Dies First. Why? I don’t know. I just happen to notice these things

My friends were telling at a wedding I recently attended that one of the biggest clichés in Hollywood movies is that the black male actor in the movies always dies. Now I believe that the old adage is going the way of the Dinosaur cause no one would have killed off Larry Fishbourne as Morpheus’ In Night of the Living Dead (1968) the main character and ‘hero’ is a black guy, which is quite something considering when it was made.

In fact, the actor, Duane Jones, became the first African-American to be cast in a lead role of a major motion picture that did not specify the part had to be played by a black actor.

Regrettably, despite being the only survivor of the zombie attack, he is ultimately killed by white people. ._. So I thought it would be fitting if we could think of the 5 most glorious screen deaths. So since I was the only one sober of the 5 to take notes here is what happened…. it goes in no particular order

Jim Brown in “The Dirty Dozen”
First things first. Next to the Godfather,,best movie for “guys who like movies” Every man should be forced to watch this movie before they are allowed to go into puberty, You wanna be a man? Watch this movie first!!! EAT THIS RAW MEAT!!! Then we will talk. The Dirty Dozen was released before my time but i am sure. if you haven’t seen the movie You will have the same reaction
‘Hes going to make it…hes going to make it ..AW DAMM .he didnt make it “
We all hated to see him get it at the end . But if he had to go out at least he went out like a hero. The image of Jim Brown sprinting across the screen, dodging enemy fire is one of the most breathtaking scenes… It was talked about by Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle as he pretended to burst into tears. According to IMDB, Hanks and Garber improvised the scene on the spot. Great stuff.

It making me misty eyed right now

Samuel Jackson In Deep Blue SEA<

Now any movie that kills off Samuel Jackson and leaves LL CooL J alive has something fundamentally wrong. But I recommend that you watch it to see Sam go out in a blaze of glory. I remember when I watched that movie I was thinking “Finally a black guy manages to survive”. It was probably only because it was LL Cool J, and he was cool back then.

The writers already met there quota when they randomly killed Sam L Now if you havent seen the movie,, lucky you … AFTER the genetically engineered sharks who seem to be smarter than any one in the movie, make their first attack, the scared group gets together to regroup and Sam is attempting to calm them all.

Using his best Pulp Fiction Jules Winfield voice …”stay calm… we will get out of here”. I remember thinking … he’s getting to close to the water. Sure enough one of the sharks leaps out and drags Sam into the water kicking and screaming. It not believable …the movie is pretty bad… but it was awesome. The only thing that would have topped that would be if somehow the shark came back… looked at the others and said

“I’m sorry” “Am I breaking your concentration? ”

I wonder though if he had just eaten a Snickers with peanut butter before the shark ate him. I hear that’s what they prefer, according to recent shark focus groups.

Charles Dutton in Aliens 3

In Alien 3 Ripley wakes up in a prison colony with 2 of the creatures, one roaming, and one inside her. In an effort to trap the full-grown one, Roc must hold off the creäture while Ripley climbs up and pours a few thousand gallons of molten lead on the beast …clichéd? Yes! Predictable? yes!! Dutton screams ” is that all you got… Is that as hard as you can bite . He’s spitting like a cornered cat as he engaged the deadliest creatures now to man.. The only comparison it’s like being in a Room with the “Real housewives of New Jersey” or dreaming about Snooki over and over….As Charlton Heston Said ‘ its a madhouse A madhouse

Carl Weathers and Bill Duke In Predator
I think we all can remember the scene “I see you ” Bill Duke Hisses…. Some how Carl Weathers takes about 30 seconds to realize that hes looking at a 10 ft tall invisible reptile who moves at the speed of light. He stood a better chance fighting Ivan Drago in Rocky 4 ..With no visible shock says “hey i see it too. Nevertheless it was somewhat fun to watch Apollo meet his match. Bill Duke stood no chance. Funny though The weapon on the predator blew off Apollos arm ..Bill Dukes head and Jesse Ventura chest. The Terminator Arnie takes a direct hit to his shoulder and he gets a flesh wound MMM

Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man
Wesley Snipes grimaces and bares his pearly whites ( what’s the deal with that awful blonde hairdo?). Bad hair nevertheless he sure seemed to be having fun until he was freeze-dried by Healthy Choice . Kinda of wish SLY”said “Ice Ice Baby” I think that would have ranked right up there with “ASTA la VeeSTA baby The only thing i remember about that movie is the crush I had on Sandra Bullock. Wonder what ever happened to her

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HONORABLE MENTION:

In Stanley Kubrick’s 1987 war movie Full Metal Jacket, Eightball (played by Dorian Harewood) is the first to be killed in combat. Shot down by sniper fire, Eightball dies a slow and painful death as he is repeatedly shot from afar.

Ned Logan (Morgan Freeman) in the 1992 classic western, Unforgiven, is the first to get killed of the three main characters.

Something I realized right after writing the last post: Dennis Haysbert is the first to die in TWO different 90’s action movies. Who could forget the lovable Allstate dude in Heat. Picked up at the last minute by the crew of bank robbers as their driver, he is the first to get killed once the shit hits the fan. Haysbert plays Donald Breedan, a down on his luck parolee. Angered at his minimum wage job where he is forced to pay his boss a percentage out of his pay, he is approached by former crew member Neil McCauley (Robert DeNiro). With only seconds to decide to leave his job and go for one more run with the bad guys, he jumps on the opportunity and shoves his boss aside and goes for it. Then he gets shot in the head. Oops. Spoiler Alert.

Just as in Gremlins, the first guy to get killed is black AND also a teacher. Insightful Mr.Teasdale played by Frank McRae gets lit up with an AK to the chest by a just-landed Soviet troop in the 1984 movie Red Dawn. If you haven’t seen this one you are reaaaaallly missing out. This one features young Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, C.Thomas Howell, Lea Thompson and Baby from Dirty Dancing. What’s her name again? Ah, who cares.

From cult sci-fi classic Aliens we have Private Ricco Frost, played by Ricco Ross. He is the first named character in the movie to get killed. Set on fire accidently by a fellow marine and sent over the railing to his doom.

From the classic film Enter the Dragon, Jim Kelly as Williams. Of our three main characters including Bruce Lee and John Saxon, the black guy dies first.

Just don’t die like this !!!

A husbands Eulogy to his late wife; A true story that has been made into a Lifetime Movie

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision about someone . You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. Its not whispering pretty lies in the dark. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Its like being wrapped like a gift in understanding. ”

But unfortunately to many of come into a relationship with a check list. The allurement that relationships hold out to men and women is precisely the allurement that Moby Dick held out to Captain Ahab…they are enormously dangerous and hence enormously fascinating . “She is the most dangerous of playthings” Adam Smith wrote “the game women play is men”

But for some, what is a date, but a job interview that lasts all night. Love is like a game of poker. Some feel if they want to win their hand, then they should be careful not to show their cards before the other shows his. If dating is like shopping then having that approach is like being put on lay- away. Its like saying ‘I know i want it but i want to delay taking it home as long as possible”.

Love and relationships never die a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness, of errors, betrayals, and unrealistic expectations. It dies of illness, wounds, or withering and tarnishing.

One final thought. There was a man who I knew yrs ago who was broke and broken in many ways. His Fiance at the time was an aspiring lawyer and he was an Officer in the U.S. Army. One day he traveled back from Iraq where he was stationed to find that his girl stood him up. She broke up with him via a letter. It seems that she was in love with another who had money. It was July 4th 1992 when this happened.

It started to rain that day in NYC so he hopped on the subway. Across from him sat a woman. A beautiful woman. That day the subway was delayed and so they started a conversation. They both were going to see the fireworks and they were both alone that day. So they spent the whole night talking after seeing the show, at the 57th st deli . It was sunrise and he called for a limo. They promised to keep in touch.

For the next yr they talked on the phone and wrote numerous letters. In 1993 the met up again in Central Park NYC. At 1:33 pm he went to get something to eat. Some hot dogs from a stand that only a New Yorker would understand.

Out of the Blue he looked at her that day in a White and Yellow Sundress and said “would you marry me” At the same time he dropped two 32oz drinks and two Hot dogs with everything on it …on her lap. He had no rings that day. He was making about 32 grand at the time and she was making 6 figures plus. So the next two hrs were the worst he ever experienced with a woman. He thought he had blown his relationship with her . He took her shopping to replace her clothes and brought her all the things he couldn’t really afford.

It started to rain again later that day. He had to run to the bank because he was running out of money. It started to pour like the movie Forest Gump. He got out of the bank and started walking on Central Pk west and he saw her coming down the street. She was running and she ran right into his arms. ‘Do you still want to marry me ” she said. He said ‘yes” Two weeks later they were married.

They were married for 15 yrs. Until her death from in 2007 she was the engine that powered their success. They went from having nothing to being multi-millionaires…. living all over the world. He never cheated on her. For 3 yrs after her death he didn’t go on a date and threw himself into his work. He lived to make sure his now 10 yr old daughter was ok.

This is a man who twice a year pays for a child’s medical bills though the Make a Wish Foundation and the funds always come from “unknown donor”.

Most would say he’s a good-looking man,smart, well dressed and with a good heart. But most women never knew that to win his heart they had to be confident.

Their Love story is being made into a Lifetime original movie

Now that he is dating again he sees all the time the above events. The point is that wanting what someone else had or has is a sure path to being alone. Sometimes the one you need is right before your eyes.

You have to just open them…and then here comes the adventure

This is what he said at her eulogy

Did you know that I found heaven?. It’s true. I found heaven the day we made love and everyday since. And when we kissed you sent me flying, dancing on the clouds while the stars sent down some loving light to shine upon us.

You’re were beautiful person inside and out. You possessed the grace of a dove, soaring into a never-ending shock of blue and downy white. And you have all the kindness and love of an angel bathed in heavenly light.

That’s what you are to me–my very own angel, and I’ll always own a bit of heaven as long as you’re a part of my life.

Goodnight my love

May you all find love in your life also.

Eat , Pray Love …Help me choose a new Religion

Since most people who know me and my sense of humor say that the Greek Religion in me didn’t take. I thought I would look at the pros and con of some of the religions today and see if I can choose a new one. So in the famous words of the “Joker” HERE WE GO

Rastafarianism:

Pro: Not only is marijuana use accepted….. it’s basically a need
Con: I am pretty much locked into my look from here on. Somehow dreadlocks in public don’t seem to be the way to go
Pro: Wait what are we talking about / Pass the chips
Con: me woman not be able to understand em saying seen

Buddhism

Pro: Kick ass Buddhist monk kung foo skills NEO BABY !!!!
Con: Beastie Boys ….Richard Gere I will not be preached to
Pro: blissfully enlightened state
Con: I can be blissful being a Rasta Man and not have to wear orange robes

Judaism
Pro: Bar Mitzvah Baby what 13 yrs old …if I am converting then I am having one
Con: Too old for a Bris

Jehovah’s
Pro: Walking door to door is an excellent low impact work out
Con: No Christmas that aint right !!!!!
Con: Only 144 ,000 will make it to heaven The other 6.4 million practicing JW’S are out of luck

Catholicism:

Pro: Wine at church Nice and classy
Con: Being 12 with wine at church hmm wonder what that can lead to ???
Pro: All the sitting standing and give you some great QUADS AND GLUTS look out women !!!!

Scientology:

Pro: Tom Cruise John Travolta and Kelly Preston go to my church
Con: They are crazy
Pro: any “church that can be spoofed on South Park IS my KIND OF CHURCH
Con: How can we make a church sound any less appealing …I know lets put science in front of it

Mormonism

Pro: Multiple wives Big Love
Con: Multiple Wives with access to knives
Pro: The Osmonds …. had a crush on Marie
Con: Glen Beck and living in UTAH.

Santeria:
Pro: freaky hot-blooded island woman increase odds of amazing sexual experience :
Con: Freaky hot-blooded island women increase odds of a “machete incident ‘ and for your info there is no such thing as a good machete incident 😦
Pro: no problem getting chicken and goat for KICKIN montreal grilling

Native American

Pro: Peyote
Con: tedious well-meaning conversations about how fascinating the religion I am in is
Pro: Lax dress code
Con: Burning sage hurts my eyes

Hindu:

Pro: Vishnu Coolest God ever…POSSIBILITY that I could play for the Knicks or be a rock star in my future incarnation.. Meet Julia Roberts one day
Con: No Beef … No nochancepappy
Pro: easy pick up lines for wild chicks
Con: I would be offended by Abu

Satanism:

Pro: All bad things are now good
Con: Spending time with Goths… Ramone groupie’s here I come
Pro: Long list of people to sacrifice gets longer …..Bill O”Reilly Lock your door buddy
Con: Listening to bad albums backward

So dabbling in the dark side isn’t the way to Catwoman.. I need to know deep down who is the Queen of the Nice Religion …. being nice … mmmmm How do they do it…let me know because I feel Like Will Smith in the movie ‘I am Legend” Cant hold them off forever….and have this happen to me.

When somebody loves you “All the way” distance is not a roadblock!!!!

Friends are heading to the bars, but you’re staying home tonight. While they’re out trying to chat up every pretty face, you’re hanging with the girl you love best. But there’s a problem: she’s out of town—or doesn’t even live in your town. And while that’s harder than when she’s down the street, the Internet is making it easier. Apps like Skype and FaceTime may not provide the same intimacy as having your favorite lady next to you in bed, but you can still have fun and enhance your relationship..

1. Watch a movie together

With Skype and Facetime, you can literally have the same flick playing on your computers and be completely synced up. Only thing missing is your her on your shoulder. One way to compensate is to pick movies that allow for some degree of interaction. Think cheesy flicks that are begging for a constant soundtrack of wisecracks—depending on your personalities, that means just about anything starring Katherine Heigl or Nicolas Cage. The steady stream of laughter will be well worth it.

2. Go lingerie shopping

This is obviously one of my favorites. Women love shopping for lingerie, and a present for her is a present for you as well. When she brings her phone along, you can get all the fun of watching her pick out sexy underwear, then weigh in with your lascivious opinions. The best part? You don’t have to schlep all over the mall with her Victoria’s Secret bags. That’s what I call a win-win situation.

3. Take her out

Taking your girl out to dinner might come off as a little weird. Talking to an iPad over a plate of pasta is not exactly the best look. Still, you can take her on a tour of your favorite places around a city. Show her some of the coolest buildings, the spookiest graveyards and the goofiest burger stands. She’ll love it, and you’ll feel (almost) like she’s right there with you.

. Have dinner together

Gotta admit, the candle’s a nice touch.

No. 3 notwithstanding, dining with your iPad is fine… as long as you don’t do it in public. In the privacy of your own place, set up a nice table spread and have her do the same. Opt for a similar meal—think Chinese takeout. Enjoy lovely after-dinner conversation and drinks. Hope, as you would on any date, that things will progress a little further.

5. Ye olde cybersex

FaceTime and Skype make long-distance naughtiness easier and more enjoyable than ever. I can’t really get into the finer points here, but I’m guessing you can figure it out. It’s one of the safest kinds of sex that you can have, but a word of caution: be damn sure you can trust the girl. Otherwise, should the relationship go south, you might just find yourself on hotwankingdudes.com. Not cool.

6. Sing her a song

There are two types of women in this world: those who would like to be serenaded and those who would not. Assuming that your lady falls into the former category, you need to turn on your computer, break out the guitar and woo her music. The fact that you’re willing to do that when she’s far away will definitely set you apart from the pack.

7. Introduce her to your parents

You’re going to have to be pretty serious about her for this to be an option. You’ll also have to prep your parents for it by explaining your situation and perhaps even what Skype and FaceTime are. But if this is the only way that your special lady can meet the fam, go for it. Once the initial awkwardness passes, the day everyone actually meets will be go so much more smoothly.

But the bottom line is that long distance can work. It depends on your imagination. But have to find someone that isn’t afraid to admit they miss you. Someone that knows you’re not perfect but treats you as if you are. Someone who couldn’t imagine losing you. Someone who gives their heart to you completely. Someone who says I love you and proves it. Last but not least, find someone who wouldn’t mind waking up to you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles and grey hair but still falls in love with you all over again…

When you find that then you find out what love is