I had a friend ask me to come up with a Booty Call Wedding Crasher contract at a wedding. Since Hale Berry or Anne Hathaway wasn’t there dressed as Catwoman, I took her up on her offer. Often, the “friends with benefits” gets soured she said because one person has different expectations than the other. The contract should ease these awkward issues. For example, the contract might stipulate whether at any point the other party might be asked to attend a wedding or a family function, if only so that the single person won’t be asked the entire night why they’re single.
The contract might say that under no circumstances can the other party be called after 2 a.m. on a weekday night. Or maybe before 10 p.m. on a weekend night. Or there may be certain actions that aren’t allowable — Julia Roberts’ character in “Pretty Woman” had a “no kissing on the mouth” clause, although it’s not exaaaactly the same thing since she was playing a prostitute. Or perhaps a stipulation stating that at no point should either party say in the morning that they “will call” the other party. We both know it’s not going to happen.
In fact, the odds are much greater that he will never call if he actually uses those words than if he had said nothing at all, or had said “I’ll see you later.” And even if he does call, she said “it’ll be so much later that you’ll have already taken his number out of your phone and will have forgotten who he is anyway. Get the point?
I just- I- I- … I can’t even speak right now.
Since she said she couldn’t afford the services of an attorney, She was hoping that I could whip up a draft and post it for general use. Single gals would be most grateful she said because, frankly, the Wedding Thing thing is getting way too complicated, and if one more guy starts bitching and moaning because she didn’t want him to sleep over, She was going to be a serial axe murder.
Anyway, I think the Call contract should come with six provisions:
1. You can’t call it a “booty call.” No self-respecting guy would ever use a phrase like that. Back in the day, my friends always used the phrase “stop-by” because it was intentionally ambiguous. Guys like ambiguous. It makes us feel comfortable. “Booty call” sounds like something Arsenio Hall would say to Magic Johnson in the late-’80s, followed by them both collapsing on an oversized sofa in hysterics.
2. For one thing, you can’t meet anyone else if you already have a date, But weddings are an absolute hookup gold mine in your 20s. (No way in real life though does Mr Frodo; Owen Wilson, sleep with Rachel Mcadams so why remove that option for yourself?). Also, you’re opening yourself up to people coming over to you and saying, “So, what’s going on with (fill in Date’s name)?”, and then you have to pooh-pooh the whole thing and people will mistakenly think that either he’s gay or you’re a harlot. This is much worse than anyone thinking you’re single (and possibly available).
3. No unannounced stop-bys after the Wedding. You have to call first. I wouldn’t put a time limit on phone calls — The hotline should be open 24 hours a day.
4. I would leave in the provision of one or both parties saying, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” because it’s tradition, as well as a nice litmus test — if they say they’ll call you tomorrow, and they actually do, they might be developing real feelings and/or have accidentally stumbled across “When Harry Met Sally” on later that night and gotten the wrong idea. I like the safety of “I’ll call you tomorrow.” It’s right up there with a woman saying, “I’ve never done anything like this before.” It’s just good to get it out of the way.
5. But if you’re doing the F.B. thing with a guy who’s actually bitching because you won’t let him sleep over, you need to re-evaluate things. Geez …What girl wouldn’t rather wake up in her own bed?
6. You should probably negotiate which actions aren’t allowable before you enter into the contract. As your attorney, I would allow ALL actions and negotiate a provision that explicitly says “both parties will exhibit good hygiene at all times.”
But here’s the important thing: These stupid contracts never work. In the history of mankind, there has never been a crash situation that worked out in the end. Somebody always ends up wanting more than the other person, there’s almost always bitterness, and if you manage to remain in touch with the same guy five years from now, I would be absolutely amazed. It’s just human nature.
My advice would be to find an actual boyfriend … and if you can’t find one, move to a different city. It’s crazy to me how many women have trouble finding a decent boyfriend, yet they’ll stay in the same city for 10 years. If you were fishing in one section of a river every day, and you never caught anything, would you keep returning to the exact same spot, or would you try your luck somewhere else?
But guys, if you do have to go to a wedding and Catwoman is not there …. lets make it fun
Lets spruce the festivities up with gambling. … I mean, that’s inspired genius. Let’s assume that we’re working with a 5 p.m. wedding ceremony, just for the sake of accuracy. Here are some other things you could gamble on:
1. Quality of the best man’s toast vs. quality of the cake (even odds): This one could be especially fun if you wagered heavily on the best man, then he choked in his speech, and you wanted to kill him afterward. And yes, few things in life are more enjoyable than someone screwing up a best man’s speech. I can’t believe somebody hasn’t turned “Worst Best Man Speeches” into its own TV show yet.
2. Girl who catches the bouquet hooks up with the guy who catches the garter (10-1 odds): I’ve only been to one wedding where this ever happened, so the 10-1 odds seem generous here.
3. Groom’s horny friend starts grinding on the dance floor with somebody’s attractive cousin who isn’t 21 yet (even odds): And somebody’s mother is always horrified. You can usually see this one coming. As an aside, I was delighted when this exact scenario happened at my buddys wedding. It was a dream come true.
4. Band plays “I Will Survive” (+/- 8:45pm): I hate this song. There’s always that one girl on the dance floor who just broke up with someone and gets a little too into the lyrics. Calm down, honey.
5. Token slutty bridesmaid goes after a waiter, band member, or any friend of the groom attending the wedding without his girlfriend (wager $400 to win $100): Easy money. When you mix the emotions of “I’m sad because my friend’s getting married and I’m still single” with “I’m horny and drunk” and “Everyone looks good because we’re all dressed up,” just about anything’s possible. They probably can’t make these odds high enough.
6. Groom cries or faints during the wedding ceremony (3-1 odds): And here’s the worst thing: You can’t really make fun of them afterward. It was too big of a moment. So you might as well wager on it.
7. Puking or fisticuffs during the reception (10-1 odds): Although these odds drop to 3-1 in the general LA area.
8. The Mother-Groom dance is “You Look Wonderful Tonight” (20-1 odds): We needed a long-shot wager on here. Imagine the excitement if you had 20-1 on Clapton and those first few seconds of the song started playing.
9. Fat guys dancing without their jackets and sweatstains under their arms (+/- 2.5): Another great part about weddings. Huge, sweeping sweatstains are always funny.
10. The token “couple who’s been dating for three years and either need to get engaged or break up” have a huge blowout during the wedding reception (even odds): Not good times. Uh-oh … I’m having flashbacks …
And the ultimate long-shot bet…
11. Wedding called off at last minute (50-1 odds): It’s dark, it’s evil … but a $10 bet wins you $500. More than enough to pay for your tux.
12: Women arguing about the looks of other woman (no odds )
The storied history of “Women trying to cut down chicks who are indisputably hot” — harkens back to the Stone Age — The Catty Corner …saw it on the History Channel