Raise your Glass…… Here is to the bride and groom

My wish is that your marriage will be a thing of beauty and a joy forever, always as beautiful as you are today (bride). And may the loveliness of your marriage increase with each year.

Here’s to the bride and groom.

Remember the love you feel today. Look back on it daily and measure how much it has grown.

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.

A good marriage is at least 80 percent good luck in finding the right person at the right time. The rest is trust.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

May there always be work for your hands to do.
May your purse always hold a coin or two.
May the sun always shine warm on your windowpane.
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

May there be a generation of children
On the children of your children.
May we never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

May you be friends to each other as only lovers can; and may you love each other as only best friends can.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings,
Slow to make enemies,
And quick to make friends.

May you both live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live

May you get all your wishes but one,
So you always have something to strive for.
May you grow old together on one pillow.

May you have all the happiness
and luck that life can hold—
And at the end of all your rainbows
may you find a pot of gold.

May you have love, health & wealth; but most importantly, may you have the time to enjoy them all.
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
A full moon on a dark night,
And the road downhill all the way to your door.

May you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.
May you live each day like your last, and live each night like your first.

May you never lie, cheat or drink. But if you must lie, lie with each other. And if you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink with us for we all love you and wish you both the love and happiness of which you deserve.

And forever and ever after.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident…. roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches you find that you were one tree and not two.”

Here’s to all the Brides and Grooms. Raise you glasses everyone. May there never be a mountian you can’t over come


A New York Wedding and No Halle Berry or Anne Hathaway dressed as Catwoman !!!!!! Here is what you can do

I had a friend ask me to come up with a Booty Call Wedding Crasher contract at a wedding. Since Hale Berry or Anne Hathaway wasn’t there dressed as Catwoman, I took her up on her offer. Often, the “friends with benefits” gets soured she said because one person has different expectations than the other. The contract should ease these awkward issues. For example, the contract might stipulate whether at any point the other party might be asked to attend a wedding or a family function, if only so that the single person won’t be asked the entire night why they’re single.

The contract might say that under no circumstances can the other party be called after 2 a.m. on a weekday night. Or maybe before 10 p.m. on a weekend night. Or there may be certain actions that aren’t allowable — Julia Roberts’ character in “Pretty Woman” had a “no kissing on the mouth” clause, although it’s not exaaaactly the same thing since she was playing a prostitute. Or perhaps a stipulation stating that at no point should either party say in the morning that they “will call” the other party. We both know it’s not going to happen.

In fact, the odds are much greater that he will never call if he actually uses those words than if he had said nothing at all, or had said “I’ll see you later.” And even if he does call, she said “it’ll be so much later that you’ll have already taken his number out of your phone and will have forgotten who he is anyway. Get the point?

I just- I- I- … I can’t even speak right now.

Since she said she couldn’t afford the services of an attorney, She was hoping that I could whip up a draft and post it for general use. Single gals would be most grateful she said because, frankly, the Wedding Thing thing is getting way too complicated, and if one more guy starts bitching and moaning because she didn’t want him to sleep over, She was going to be a serial axe murder.

Anyway, I think the Call contract should come with six provisions:

1. You can’t call it a “booty call.” No self-respecting guy would ever use a phrase like that. Back in the day, my friends always used the phrase “stop-by” because it was intentionally ambiguous. Guys like ambiguous. It makes us feel comfortable. “Booty call” sounds like something Arsenio Hall would say to Magic Johnson in the late-’80s, followed by them both collapsing on an oversized sofa in hysterics.

2. For one thing, you can’t meet anyone else if you already have a date, But weddings are an absolute hookup gold mine in your 20s. (No way in real life though does Mr Frodo; Owen Wilson, sleep with Rachel Mcadams so why remove that option for yourself?). Also, you’re opening yourself up to people coming over to you and saying, “So, what’s going on with (fill in Date’s name)?”, and then you have to pooh-pooh the whole thing and people will mistakenly think that either he’s gay or you’re a harlot. This is much worse than anyone thinking you’re single (and possibly available).

3. No unannounced stop-bys after the Wedding. You have to call first. I wouldn’t put a time limit on phone calls — The hotline should be open 24 hours a day.

4. I would leave in the provision of one or both parties saying, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” because it’s tradition, as well as a nice litmus test — if they say they’ll call you tomorrow, and they actually do, they might be developing real feelings and/or have accidentally stumbled across “When Harry Met Sally” on later that night and gotten the wrong idea. I like the safety of “I’ll call you tomorrow.” It’s right up there with a woman saying, “I’ve never done anything like this before.” It’s just good to get it out of the way.

5. But if you’re doing the F.B. thing with a guy who’s actually bitching because you won’t let him sleep over, you need to re-evaluate things. Geez …What girl wouldn’t rather wake up in her own bed?

6. You should probably negotiate which actions aren’t allowable before you enter into the contract. As your attorney, I would allow ALL actions and negotiate a provision that explicitly says “both parties will exhibit good hygiene at all times.”

But here’s the important thing: These stupid contracts never work. In the history of mankind, there has never been a crash situation that worked out in the end. Somebody always ends up wanting more than the other person, there’s almost always bitterness, and if you manage to remain in touch with the same guy five years from now, I would be absolutely amazed. It’s just human nature.

My advice would be to find an actual boyfriend … and if you can’t find one, move to a different city. It’s crazy to me how many women have trouble finding a decent boyfriend, yet they’ll stay in the same city for 10 years. If you were fishing in one section of a river every day, and you never caught anything, would you keep returning to the exact same spot, or would you try your luck somewhere else?

But guys, if you do have to go to a wedding and Catwoman is not there …. lets make it fun

Lets spruce the festivities up with gambling. … I mean, that’s inspired genius. Let’s assume that we’re working with a 5 p.m. wedding ceremony, just for the sake of accuracy. Here are some other things you could gamble on:

1. Quality of the best man’s toast vs. quality of the cake (even odds): This one could be especially fun if you wagered heavily on the best man, then he choked in his speech, and you wanted to kill him afterward. And yes, few things in life are more enjoyable than someone screwing up a best man’s speech. I can’t believe somebody hasn’t turned “Worst Best Man Speeches” into its own TV show yet.

2. Girl who catches the bouquet hooks up with the guy who catches the garter (10-1 odds): I’ve only been to one wedding where this ever happened, so the 10-1 odds seem generous here.

3. Groom’s horny friend starts grinding on the dance floor with somebody’s attractive cousin who isn’t 21 yet (even odds): And somebody’s mother is always horrified. You can usually see this one coming. As an aside, I was delighted when this exact scenario happened at my buddys wedding. It was a dream come true.

4. Band plays “I Will Survive” (+/- 8:45pm): I hate this song. There’s always that one girl on the dance floor who just broke up with someone and gets a little too into the lyrics. Calm down, honey.

5. Token slutty bridesmaid goes after a waiter, band member, or any friend of the groom attending the wedding without his girlfriend (wager $400 to win $100): Easy money. When you mix the emotions of “I’m sad because my friend’s getting married and I’m still single” with “I’m horny and drunk” and “Everyone looks good because we’re all dressed up,” just about anything’s possible. They probably can’t make these odds high enough.

6. Groom cries or faints during the wedding ceremony (3-1 odds): And here’s the worst thing: You can’t really make fun of them afterward. It was too big of a moment. So you might as well wager on it.

7. Puking or fisticuffs during the reception (10-1 odds): Although these odds drop to 3-1 in the general LA area.

8. The Mother-Groom dance is “You Look Wonderful Tonight” (20-1 odds): We needed a long-shot wager on here. Imagine the excitement if you had 20-1 on Clapton and those first few seconds of the song started playing.

9. Fat guys dancing without their jackets and sweatstains under their arms (+/- 2.5): Another great part about weddings. Huge, sweeping sweatstains are always funny.

10. The token “couple who’s been dating for three years and either need to get engaged or break up” have a huge blowout during the wedding reception (even odds): Not good times. Uh-oh … I’m having flashbacks …

And the ultimate long-shot bet…

11. Wedding called off at last minute (50-1 odds): It’s dark, it’s evil … but a $10 bet wins you $500. More than enough to pay for your tux.

12: Women arguing about the looks of other woman (no odds )
The storied history of “Women trying to cut down chicks who are indisputably hot” — harkens back to the Stone Age — The Catty Corner …saw it on the History Channel

The Curious case of a Marcus Shelby, Facebook imposter …a man who pretended to be numerous hollywood actresses

I once “friend” a movie star who lived in Toronto. I sent her a message that I was coming to see Toronto and she posted on Facebook that she would like to show me the city and go together. I told her my dates but when I was ready to go and emailed her she never responded and was nowhere to be found.

Prior a “movie star” who I had many connections with gave me her personal email and said she wanted to keep in touch. I never asked her for it. But when I emailed her she never responded. Months later when she came back after reading how she was planning to have a baby with her boyfriend … she claimed “she missed me” . Two weeks later she was off Facebook again.

For awhile when someone would ask to be my friend on Facebook I would always say yes. I would say to myself that this is harmless and what’s the worse that could happen. Then one day “ Marcus Shelby’screenwriter “ and bodyguard of movie star 5 wanted to be friends and I said “yes”. At the time I had numerous “Hollywood “ Facebook friends. Then a woman who was also friends with Marcus “friend” me.

I watched with detached amusement that month as the saga unfolded. Marcus and this woman got involved and then engaged. But something seemed to be amiss. All these( six female) movie stars seemed to be speaking the praises of this “Marcus Shelby” and all these movie stars wanted to be friends with his “fiancé”. One star # 6 threatened to kill herself over their engagement because she couldn’t have him and another was willing to give up her career.

Then I noticed a conversation that was going on Facebook with a movie star # 5 and his fiancé. What made it curious was that the “movie star” was being interviewed live on Tv at the same time. Fearing that I was watching a Lifetime movie. I contacted his fiancé and told her of my hunch. I contacted him. Like a house of cards the foundation all came tumbling down. Not only was Marcus Shelby not his name but he didn’t have any movie coming out. He was a pizza delivery man who pretended to be the “6” movie stars that I was “friends with”. Within a day, like a bad Broadway play, the doors were locked, and they were all gone

Then a new year came and the curtain came up again and the play continued

This time it was the “B” Saga. Here was the story a 21 yr old who was married and had 2 kids who had a major accident last sept and almost died. He had all these “ movie stars “ by his bedside and was given last rites as he was taken off life support.

Then he wakes up and then goes through rehab and surgery for a torn ACL. But in that time (5 months) he gets a scholarship to Ohio State to play quarterback although he hasn’t played football in 3 yrs.

He carries in an affair with a movie star “1 “ all over Facebook and then leaves his wife and this “star” for a TV commercial star 2.

Then he announces On facebook may 11th that he is going to Kill himself….and presto the next day, he is gone and there is a RIP notice .

His Uncle the supposed screen writer who is now called “ mike ” also drops off and then comes back a week later as being engaged to a movie star 3 who had a baby prior with a NFL quarterback. After only knowing her for 1 week , he now lives with her . A week later they she announces she is no longer engaged to her “mans man”.

Movie star 1 announces 2 weeks later she’s seeing someone else and now likes women.

Tv commercial star 2 announces she is a lesbian

Meanwhile movie star 3 is distraught because they believe they said something which caused “B” to kill himself.

Movie star 4 is calling on the ghost of “B “ to help the Celtics defeat the Heat.

Movie star 5 is a now a fall down drunk in the morning who is now single and leaving her 3 kids although she has been married for quite awhile.

Movie star 6 awaits arrival of ‘mike” in London because he is finally available.

“B” sister dropped out of school to be a “underwear model . All this was played out on Facebook and multiple people invested ,days , weeks and empathy.

Then “mike” appears with a new best friend … world famous female Director 1. Like before she is to direct his new role and his “ex” may have a part. Famous director 1 has a famous daddy who is also a director. Lets call him director 2 who loves ‘MIKE”.

Now keep this in mind “Mike” hasn’t had a movie come out to market at all but he’s involved in directing casting and site selection. Everyone it appears wants to “be like mike “ or have mikes baby. All this was being played out on Facebook.

Meanwhile “Mike” continued to keep the lifetime movie alive with his ex as he keeps tabs on her pretending to be another. Promising like before to put her in a movie project.

In this age of omniconnectedness, words like “network,” “community” and even “friends” no longer mean what they used to. Networks don’t exist on LinkedIn. A community is not something that happens on a blog or on Twitter. And a friend is more than someone whose online status you check. A friend is an emotional bond, just like friendship is a human experience. What I’ve learned is that I’ve too often confused the weak bonds I have with people I know with the strong bonds I have with friends. This may not seem like a big deal, but it is.

A friend is someone with whom we share deep trust. The strong bond we have with a friend means that person will be there for us no matter what. The reason I made it through a few years ago was because someone was there for me at a time when I could offer nothing in return. The strong bond of friendship is not always a balanced equation; friendship is not always about giving and taking in equal shares. Instead, friendship is grounded in a feeling that you know exactly who will be there for you when you need something, no matter what or when.

There is a difference between vulnerability and telling people everything about yourself. Vulnerability is a feeling. Telling everyone about yourself is just facts and details. The problem is the more we share about ourselves on Facebook, for example, the more we confuse all that information with having others “get to know us.”

Someone can look through our pictures, read our comments and opinions and start to think they know who we are, but they don’t. They only know what they see and read. Worse, the feeling they may have toward us is one-sided.

This phenomenon is called a parasocial relationship — a relationship in which one person knows much more about the other. This is what happens with celebrities. Because we can read about their public lives in the tabloids and hear about what they are doing on TMZ, we think we know them. But we don’t know anything about who they are. Everyone see’s what they appear to be but few feel what they are

In our modern world, however, we are all celebrities and we all live semipublic lives. Others can read about what we’re doing and who we know and what we like. They can start to form bonds with us, but those bonds are one-sided and they are not the basis for real, close friendship. The reality is those people are acquaintances — a term we rarely hear anymore.

But if you do climb that ladder in Hollywood, It wont take long to understand that a new kind of reality will be interested in you, even if you are with someone. Its the sort of reality who in the past had stirred insecurity. If you get to that world, it will be like a kid finding Batman’s belt in the lost and found. No point in giving it back until you’ve tried all your new powers. But you can forgot to ask, will you be able to stop once you’ve tasted these powers?

Superficially, the bar is set, based on the physical: some sort of exterior beauty, along with fame, sophistication, wild-child possibility, flirtation with the dark side.

As you climb the ladder, your social confidence explodes. You receive the sort of attention you never did when you were younger. It is addictive, and when you are in it, there seems to be no end in sight. The attention increases tenfold when you are dating a Hollywood Star or know one personally or pretend to be one . You become a star also.

But that life isn’t rooted in good practices; it’s more like, “flash your badge and they will come.” Your confidence is based on a pack mentality, strong in numbers. (5000 FB FANS) You can push aside the inconvenience of having to start a conversation — just by being in the V.I.P. section , the conversation is started for you. If you have a well-connected friend or an entourage to find you a companion, you might not need conversation at all.

Reducing a relationship to time, money and X is usually a bad way to start. Relationships can get crafted around their whims. The spiritual significance of an enduring commitment falls by the wayside, giving way to limits and rules defined by the ego.

Although it doesn’t have to be this way, relationships can become part of the world of ego and illusions.

I was reminded of this when I ran into an old Hollywood girlfriend in Calif

At the time she was the most beautiful woman I had ever see. A Hollywood actress who was constantly at the Playboy mansion. It was like Jessica Rabbit had come to life. I was determined to make her mine. She had told me she had “dated’ George Clooney and Bruce Willis but I was what she wanted and I showered her with gifts and trips. But nothing about her was real as I was to find out including her name. Years later she was still looking for ‘Mr GoodBar” …still looking for a man who would treat her like a princess and no longer a choice for movies roles.

When I asked her of all the men who had come into her life wasn’t there one?. She said she had been engaged 3 times but changed her mind. Now she sits in a bar in LA paying for yesterday, on Match.com with pictures from 10-15 yrs ago.

The thought now is if you were a up-and-coming actor or screenwriter, you would try to hook up only with A-List female celebrities. It’s like buying $50 million of free advertising.

There are lots of people who tell me they are my friend. They seem to act like friends, but they aren’t really friends. I don’t, and probably won’t ever, share that kind of deep, strong relationship with them.

I have one business relationship who, when he introduces me to people, introduces me as “my close friend, Every time he does so, it makes me uneasy, because we’re not close friends. I’m not sure we’re even friends. Another professional relationship, almost from the day we met, would tell me, “this is the start of a long and close friendship.” He acted like a friend too. He would send me e-mails to say hi, call to chat, and he’d want to hang out when we were in the same city. But when we couldn’t agree on the terms of a formal business relationship, all of a sudden my “new close friend” stopped calling, stopped e-mailing and no longer wanted to spend time with me.

As my life becomes even more public, I meet lots of people and I form genuine friendships with some, but most are just acquaintances or professional relationships. The problem is that there are lots of people who think they know me. They think they are my friends. Yet friendship is too quixotic to be formed by a decision. It’s a feeling more like love. You can’t decide to be friends with someone. You can’t request it. It just happens.

Facebook is good at connecting people with common interests. We can easily form weak bonds with people online. And those relationships are good and have real value, but strong bonds, trust and deep friendships require physical interaction — and lots of it. I no more believed Rachel McAdams or Anne Hathaway were my friends than I believe I am going to be POPE. I have never met them nor do I expect I will. But unfortunately a lot of people do and that’s what can be painful for a-lot who do live their lives through Hollywood.

But the lesson I learned this week is more of a reminder. I have too often confused the weak bonds I have with people. I know with the strong bonds I have with people who are my friends. When I run the names of the people I call “good friends” through this new filter, I realize that I don’t have as many good friends as I thought. And that’s not a bad thing, because the ones I do have I value even more.

My family member who is a casting agent for the past 30 yrs told me something that still resonates today.
” Everyone wants to ride the limo with you when times are good. But what you want is the friend who will hop on the bus with you and drive when the bus breaks down. Then you will know who your real friends are.” In Hollywood she said ‘Until that happens you will never know who is your real friend or who is real. That’s why I don’t envy those who have 1000 friends . I envy those those who have 1-3 good friends because that’s what everyone in this town really wants”

That applies everywhere so “Get busy living or get busy dying”

General Female Rules vs Man Rules …or how to survive the speed of the storm coming your way fellas

General Female Rules

1. These Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

2. No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.

3. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows The Rules, she must immediately change The Rules.

4. The FEMALE is never wrong.

5. If the FEMALE is mistaken, it is a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

6.The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

7.The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.

8. The MALE must never change his mind without the written consent of the FEMALE

9. The FEMALE has the right to be upset or angry at any time.

10. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.

11. If the FEMALE has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.

12. The MALE is expected to mind read constantly and act accordingly.

13. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in actual bodily harm.

14. The MALE who doesn’t abide by The Rules can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a whimp.

General Male Rules

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

2. If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

5. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

6. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

9. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

11. When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying, “This is our exit?” is not necessary.

12. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.
This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has when she wants to cut you, slice you and cover you with hot bacon grease. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare so don’t be an idiot. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows)
This means, “I give up” or “Do what you want because I don’t give a d*&#. You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot, moron or troll at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here with your sorry ass, and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not to move, flinch or breathe and she will stay content.
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that”, or: “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. Run far, run fast and NEVER EVER look back. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your PC, DVD player and big screen TV out the 11th floor window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. “Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a big ol’ greasy lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and the statement “Go ahead”, all followed by unspeakable acts so hideous they are unprintable.
That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before implementing payback. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned. “That’s okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead”. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you’d better be ready. You’re gonna look like a Section 8 eviction, stuf all out on the curb. Check your mirrors for the next 6 months. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.
Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to dig the hole you’re in even deeper as you try to come up with an excuse or reason for doing whatever it is you have done. You have a chance to tell the truth … but don’t. Lie like a rug and stick to it like Velcro. STICK TO THE LIE!!! But be careful you don’t get a “That’s okay”. If you do, stick and move baby, stick and move. Skillets and pots will be flyin.
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint or pee yourself; just say you’re welcome and don’t move the rest of the day.
Thanks a Lot
This is much different from “Thanks”. A woman will say “Thanks a Lot” when she is really about to “catch a case”. It’s ’bout to be on, up in here. It signifies that you have hurt her in some cold, callous way. She will probably call her 4 brothers to come over and mop the street with your brains. These words are usually followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you “Nothing”.
You did WHAT?
This means she found out about that hoochie across town and you’d better crawl out the window and creep up the sidewalk like a cat. She’s about to get her piece, so step … and step hard. Forget your car, just run and hide. You can come back and get your ride. If “You did WHAT?” is followed by “you bastard”, hit the floor immediately, cause she’s about to set the chamber on that 9 that she keeps under the pillow.

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings…

(obviously I HAVE gotten in more than MY share of trouble…lol )

Is Facebook killing your Man Mojo….or how to keep you Man Card

Your fantasy girl may be judging your every move online. Too bad your social networking profile’s such a turnoff to the ladies. Here’s how to put your best face forward on the Web.

Sure, social networks LIKE Facebook give you access to more girls than the old analog world of generations past. Sadly, though, these young ladies may be more digitally privy than you. And they may be looking at your online profile right now, only to conclude that … you’re a jerk. These are things I have seen on FaceBook

Example: Think an ambiguous relationship status makes you mysterious? Well, nope. Actually, a girl eyeing this immediately thinks you’re hiding something or someone — or that you just want to keep your options open.

Here are five more things she may perceive as a red flag, and here’s how to avoid them:

You had a disagreement with your best buddy, hate your boss and can’t get bigger calves no matter what you do at the gym. And every online “friend” you have knows it. Because you told them so.

The about-face: Really, keep it inside. To hook a girl, you need to keep a few secrets, or at least try not to seem like a whiney pessimist. Pour your heart out after you’ve been dating for a few months — not on your wall. She may still think you whine but at least she’ll feel special that you whine to her.

Compromising Profile Photos
They show you can’t grow up, you’re not relationship material and you’re probably $10K in credit card debt because you put your vices — like those allegedly awesome rims in albums No. 1, 2 and 3 — on your card at a cool 27 percent APR.

The about-face: Swap these pictures out for something a little more conservative, such as something that actually, and accurately, features you — at a time when you’re not puking, fighting or wearing someone’s boxers on your head.

Constant Status Updates
It looks like you have no life. Seriously. If you do 60 quizzes per day and comment on everyone’s pictures, you’re probably unemployed or not the backbone of the company you say you are.

The about-face: Even if you do spend your weekends playing online backgammon, you can at least appear to be busy by curbing the urge to update every hour on the hour. And please wean yourself off the “Which Family Guy character are you?” quizzes.

A Defaced Wall
Your buddy posts the following message on your wall: “You’re the man! I couldn’t believe you and bowling babe last night in the parking lot!” The girl of your dreams sees this. She now knows the deal and wants nothing to do with you.

The about-face: Deactivate your wall or restrict who can view it.

Alibi-busting Photos
You tell your girl you were visiting your sick grandma last weekend, when you were actually at a party with your ex. Once those bash pictures hit Facebook — especially if you’re tagged in any of them — your cover’s blown.

The about-face: Change your settings so you’re notified whenever anyone tags you and can un-tag yourself ASAP. (Or, you know, stop being a lying two-timer.)

Got it? Stop shooting yourself in the foot with your profile. Now you might actually have a chance with her.

For Immediate release: Mexican Astronaut fails Immigration…Mit Romney calls for immediate self – deportation

Tensions are mounting in Cape Canaveral ever since Shuttle Astronaut, Enrico Hispanico, failed to clear US immigration upon his return from orbit. Dr. Hispanico, Ph.D., the first Mexican in Space, ran into problems following a recent mission to deliver critical supplies to desperate Russian cosmonauts in the space station. Gotcha! public domain NASA; The discreetly scheduled vodka-run had been extended due to problems with heat shields and Hispanico’s visa expired during the final orbit. High-fiving Republican agents, thrilled at catching America’s first illegal alien, detained him pending a deportation hearing. NASA, who failed to check his paperwork before the return flight, will be forced to fly Hispanico back to the Space Station on their own dime unless he can secure a new visa. Adding insult to injury, Hispanico’s luggage was lost upon arrival and he is allegedly running short of astronaut diapers. Meanwhile, an irate Sean Hannity is calling for the proposed immigration wall to be extended into the Milky Way. “We need to stop these guys from taking American jobs,” Hannity told an audience on his show, “Is it just me or is the world coming to an end?”

All I ever learned about decoding women and being a man ….I learned from the 80″S teen movies

Growing up, when it came to the ladies, I was more like this then I was then I was like James Bond. So I looked for advice and I found it in the movies

In the golden age of teen flicks, it seemed like everybody got lucky on the big screen. Turns out these classic movies offer some real life lessons — especially when it comes to dealing with the ladies. Here, five films that are entertaining and educational.

The art of love is a delicate thing. That’s why I took my cues from the experts. We’re talking about the classic big-screen, teen-steam machines … like Anthony Michael Hall, Jon Cryer, and the Pepé Le Pew of the pubescent scene, Kevin Bacon!

Yes, these high school anti-studs, who somehow bumbled their way into the hearts of some of the finest teen babes from The Breakfast Club to the Joel Goodson bordello, offer a fine road map to finding romance — even if you’ve already made that wrong turn at Albuquerque.

Here, some of the key lessons you need to study to score an “A” in Love 101 … or just to score.

Footloose (1984)
Sex education: You may not be in the cool clique, but if you dance (like a man), baby, and stay true to thyself, you’ll step right into her heart forever!
Big-city Kevin Bacon might as well be ET when he crash-lands in a one-plow town where American civil liberties apparently don’t apply. No music! No parties! No dancing! Hell, no freakin’ Flock of Seagulls! So when the moussed-up, future Mr. Sedgwick shows up in shrink-wrapped jeans and a ripped-up sweatshirt, he executes a foolproof plan to dance his way into the heart of the hottest girl in town (Lori Singer), defeat her fire-and-brimstone-preaching pop (a dance denouncer) and bring joy to the masses in the process. But once Bacon kicks off his Sunday shoes, the town loses its oppressive laws, Pop loses his religion and Lori Singer chucks her virtue into the bargain. The lesson here: You gotta be you … unless you happen to be Kevin Bacon — he’s stuck with being him. If you have confidence to let your freak flag fly, women will know you’re the real deal.

Weird Science (1985)
Sex education: You can manufacture confidence, and when you do, it’ll bring you action.
It would take a miraculous scientific breakthrough for super nerds Gary (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt (Illan Mitchell-Smith) to get a girl to notice them …(basically me in HS) so they plug a program into their SUV-sized computer and … Oingo Boingo! Say hello to the hottest digital development until the iPod: virtual vixen Lisa (Kelly LeBrock). Her mere presence alongside Gary and Wyatt makes these guys the coolest kids in school and the high schoolers with the hottest chicks. But it was more than just the virtual girl that got them action; it was the real confidence she gave them to prove that geeks can get freaky with the best of them. So remember: You don’t have to be cool to draw some heat … just gotta act it.

Pretty in Pink (1986)
Sex education: If you’re a good friend, you’ll get a girl — it just might not be the girl.
Money-challenged Andie (Molly Ringwald) is in love with richie-rich Blaine (Andrew McCarthy). But Blaine’s snobby buddy, Steff (James Spader), wants him to dump her for someone more appropriate to his social set. But even more tragic is that Andie’s Salvation Army-styled best friend, Ducky (Jon Cryer), who’s hopelessly in love with her, has to convince Blaine that she’s worth more than all his friends combined. Sadly, he’s successful and Blaine blows off the snobs for Ducky’s dream doll. But wait! Ducky then gets plucked from the prom crowd by smokin’ hot, future vampire slayer Kristy Swanson … who admires his character! The lesson here? Friendship and loyalty lead to love — at least for Jon Cryer, who gets action that’s way over his head. So be nice, GUYS — clearly it pays off!

Risky Business (1983)
Sex education: Put yourself at risk for a chick, and you can melt her heart.
Joel is a good kid with hydrogen-fueled hormones. He’s working to get on Princeton’s short list, but he’s no genius with the ladies (which is kinda weird since he looks suspiciously like Tom freakin’ Cruise). So when his friends dial up a not-quite-lady of the evening, who directs him to a sweetie with more up top and less between the legs … it’s unlikely love at first credit card swipe with superhot Lana (Rebecca De Mornay). And while Joel looks like an easy mark, his selfless efforts to save her from her somewhat menacing pimp (we I actually think is L. Ron Hubbard ) cause her to fall head over hooker heels for him. Also? He gets into Princeton! Remember, though: Paying for sex never pays off … unless, you know, you’re Tom Cruise and you’re in a movie that says it does.

The Breakfast Club (1985)
Sex education: Clichés can date outside their own species.
Wondering what happens when you gather a jock, a geek, a thug, a princess and a freak in the same room for detention? To find out, you must first find some actors who are at least eight years out of high school to play them. (Hello, Judd Nelson! How’s the AARP treating you?) Then, despite the fact that they all hate everything the others stand for … they’ll just open up to each other like they never have to even their closest friends or parish priests. Once they discover they’re all just struggling, decent kids underneath their choreographed exteriors, they’ll mate like bunnies in a breeding farm — except for the geek (Anthony Michael Hall), of course — he’s got a girlfriend in Canada! So don’t despair! Remember there’s someone out there for anybody — as long as you’re willing to ditch your own adorable, antisocial persona … and you’re into the ‘80s band Tears for Fears.