“I coulda been a contenda for ya Halle bERRY ” “I coulda been a contenda” if I knew back then about dating what I KNOW now

When you are young you think you know every thing about women and life. Being a big brother to multiple sisters I got taught universal truths about dating. If the women I dated were white, black, hispanic, or asian, I found this out about dating. Doing these will probably make you as non-datable as I was back when I was giving a really good impression of George McFly in ‘Back to the Future”.

1. Running water is your friend. Never forget that cologne is for after showering not instead of showering. Having her food taste like Chanel Platinum egoist usually doesn’t lead to a second date.

2. Pony tails on girls cute….on guys not so cute. Got rid of my Steven Segal look way too late

3. If your girlfriend is quiet for a while never ask her ‘what are you thinking” I guarantee the answer wont be “how attractive or great you are …the answer will never be fun. Think of the Movie “The Invention of Lying when Jennifer Garner first meets Ricky Gervais. That day the answer wasnt fun.

4. Blue tooth. If you are wearing one in the car I am all for safety but if you are walking down the streets waving your arms or at a restaurant talking to your invisible friend you look like you should be hauled to Shutter island.

5 Saying “I miss High School” . Depressing vague and tragic. These are the guys who if lucky to procreate either assault umpires at little league or join state militias.

6 Men who don’t wear shirts outside are never the people women want to see naked. So in less you have a six-pack …keep it under cover.

7. Don’t get advice about women from the radio.. those shock jock types will get you where they are in the future …alone in a dark room. Yep welcome to the team…. Jackets are being made as we speak ..buffet at KFC cause that’s all you can afford.

8. It’s a numbers game …if you ask a woman for her telephone number and she asks for yours instead …she not interested. In fact she’s more likely to call a 800 number promising a 6 figure income then she is to call you. One woman gave me her boyfriends number just to make him jealous.

9 Pull it out when a check comes on a first date because when a woman pulls out her wallet its purely for show,,,she has no intention of paying. I know it’s not fair but those are the rules.

10 If you are bald .. be bald …women prefer no hair then the Ben franklin look….

11. Never ask a woman if she wants to drive on a first date …she never wants to drive, even if its Danica Patrick. Did that once only because I couldn’t drive a stick…lets just say there was no stick practice later that night.

12. Making love to a woman is like buying real estate… location… location and time at that location.

13. Tequilla should be sold with an instant camara attached so the next day you have some idea what you just did. Still to this day I don’t know how i ended up Montana.

14.”bros before hoes” The trojan war was fought over a woman. If you say that, your saying you rather spent a night with some guys you met at traffic school, than a beautiful woman. Besides If Brad Pitt can take one in the ankle for a beautiful woman so can we.

15. Never wear mesh clothing. When you wear mesh clothing you are saying to her you are so hot your regular cloths will burst into flames.

16 Frosting your hair..tell a woman THAT you will pick her up as soon as you are done frosting your tips.. “let me know how that goes” Atlanta Housewife.

17 Hawaiian shirts…my sister said that screams of insurance weekend white guy… wear one and you are now officially unsellable.

18 “G” G is the headache who thinks he a black gangsta rapper. THINK vanilla ice. He is neither black, nor gangster, or a rapper..but this doesn’t stop him from putting on the show. Most women will think “G” needs a whole team of real good doctors.

19 Pimp shoes…if a woman remarks about your shoes by saying “I have never seen anything like them before” you are wearing 80s pimp shoes. Wore one on a date and in about 1 hr I was walking like Red Foxx in Sanford and Son.

20 Crocs… if you are a surgeon or a short order cook then ok but if Facebook had a site saying “I don’t care you look like a dumb ass for wearing them”, then 350 million might think you look like a dumb ass.

21 If you show up for a date wearing camo clothing you are probably not looking for a love connection. You are more than likely looking like you want to smuggle something back to your make shift bomb shelter…quite possibly her.

22. Wearing your hat sideways. If you come to a date with a hat propped at a perfect angle you are saying “I am so cool that I spent time puckering my lips to get this look . You don’t look like a stud you look like a tool.

23. White socks with anything other than sneakers…no reason to go any further.

24. Body piercings …I am all about expression but remember this you still have to talk to people’s parents and bosses with that. and if you are 50 wearing an earring you better be an aging rock star, or a pirate, or you look like a fool

25. The Dreaded SPEEDOS. AKA.. THE GRAPE SMUGGLERS…wearing these will elicits gasps of horror from women of any age…men will look away ….children will cry…Angie Jolie wont adopt any more kids just on the possibility they will turn out to be you. I think I read a report a long time ago that said your sperm goes on strike also…..Just picture Randy Quaid in Vegas Vacation

26 Pregnant man…you are saying here you don’t exercise at all….if women can exercise in the 3rd trimester so can we.

27 Dont trust the lady’s room. When you are out on a date and two women go to the bathroom. They are talking about your prospects.

28.Saying “come to papa” to a woman. Conjuring up an image of a womans father is not going to take the night to Borats “sexy time”. More than likely you will be looked at like you are Borat.

29 Saying “it’s all good” You may as well have a sign that says ” I have a limited vocabulary”

30. Never refer to a woman as ma’am or dear even if she is 90. She’s probably not going to like it.

31 Cigarettes and Cigars. Save the sticks when we are hanging with our own kind. I am just glad I never smoked.

32 Bitter boy
Bitter boy isn’t so much of a look as it is a mindset. Bitter boy has personally never done anything wrong in his life…its the rest of us that’s screwing it up for him. Bitter boys biggest enemy is the vague and ever-present force know as “they “… they are always ruining every thing… keeping him down and the country down ..they are making it so that “bitter boy” can’t function can’t make a living. It doesn’t matter that bitter boy has had every opportunity in the world ….what matters now is that bitter boy life will only be better if he didn’t have to deal with cab drivers who Dont “speak ” the language or a woman who has a better job but can’t recognize his awesomeness. Bitter boys prospects of finding a good woman were like the knicks getting Lebron … they sucked.

At some point in our lives we’ve all tried to pick up a woman. Chances are, if you were a Fool like me, it was in a bar during college or maybe later in a grocery store. I knew I was going to be a bit rusty trying to meet women so I did what all good students do—I studied. I spent many hours observing other guys trying court a woman and gained plenty of valuable knowledge.

I’m here to tell you, there isn’t any cut-and-dry right way to meet a woman, but there are many ways NOT to do it. Especially on- line or on FaceBook

Meeting women isn’t an exact science and every woman is different in what they respond to. Avoid at all costs any lines that include “your sign” or tend to be sexual in nature. Anything else is probably OK as long as it’s done correctly. And by correctly, I mean without a leering look on your face or creepy wink, or that awkward touch.

With that in mind, here are 15 pickup lines I suggest you bury deep down, never to be used on any woman

Are those space pants you’re wearing? Because your butt is out of this world.
I heard this one used on a friend. The guy obviously had no clue how my friend likes to be approached. She entertained his line only to laugh at how helpless he was. Needless to say, the conversation was short and led to absolutely zero success.

If I said I like your body, would you hold it against me?
History shows that early man tried this line, as evidenced in many cave paintings discovered through the years. And history also shows how it didn’t work then either. Show her that we’re not all knuckle draggers, and only mention this line in the context of that awful Britney Spears song with the same name. Of course, if you start off by spouting Britney lyrics, she’ll probably think you’re immature.

Can I buy you a drink or would you just like the money?
News flash. Women don’t respond well to queries that make them seem like they’re part of the “oldest profession.” You may think it’s a slick way to ask if you can buy her a drink, but it’s not. Not even close. It makes you seem like a creep. Just because Frank Sinatra could get away with the line doesn’t mean you can.

I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
WTF. Seriously? Chances are you’re going to get a fake number if you ever try to use this line. Try to look at it from her perspective. If some weird chick walked up to you and asked for your phone number, how would you respond? Exactly.

Someone better call God because he is definitely missing an angel.
This one is cheesy, but in the right situation may actually elicit a weak smile. Women like to be called angels, but I don’t think this line can be used without some sort of a creepy grin on the guy’s face. If it seems like something either Starsky or Hutch would say, avoid it.

Excuse me, do you know the time? Thanks. I wanted to remember the exact moment I met you.
Maybe it’s just me, but this one comes off a bit stalker-ish. When I hear this line being used I picture the woman either getting out her pepper spray or texting “HELP ME!!!” to her friend. Why don’t you make a mental note of the time, then down the road (if there is a future) you can tell her you remember exactly where you were at XX:XX on whatever date you met. That make you looks sensitive, not psycho.

Cupid called and said to tell you he needs my heart back.
This one isn’t as bad as the rest, but you can do better. Way better. How she responds will depend on the type of woman she is. If she has a sense of humor, she may find a way to laugh at it or at the very least, blow you off politely. If she doesn’t have a sense of humor, she may tell you she tossed it in the dumpster marked “FOOD ONLY.” Be prepared for the worst.

Excuse me. Are you taking applications for a boyfriend?
Think. If she says no, where does the conversation go? Like all good interviews, avoid questions that only end with a yes or no answer. “How does one go about applying for the job of your boyfriend?” Works much better. She has to answer this question with more than a yes or no. Even if she says she isn’t accepting applications, you can still ask if she expects a vacancy in the position in the near future. You may crash and burn, but it won’t be while you’re still on the launch pad.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
Another old and tired attempt. And again, if she says “no” immediately, you’ve put an end to the conversation before it ever had a chance to get off the ground. Chances are high that she will laugh in your face if you say it, so why not trash this one and go with something simple. We’re never as clever as we think we are.

Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
Only to be used on the west coast (or anyplace where earthquakes seem to occur regularly). If the girl is anything other than stick thin, you should avoid this one at all costs. Catch her in the wrong mood and she will think you’re laying a fat joke on her. I would avoid natural disasters as a genre. Use the line “Rock you like a hurricane” and you may find out her childhood pet, a beagle named Beauregard, was killed in a hurricane. Not good.

I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
If you use this one and the girl says she doesn’t know CPR, do NOT offer to teach her mouth-to-mouth. For some reason, when this line plays through my head, I hear Erik Estrada saying it. Ponch (of “CHiPs”) can get away with it. You can’t.

You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
What? This one does nothing but make you seem like an idiot. If you think about it, the ice cream is what’s melting, not the chocolate. The hot fudge is hot and the ice cream is cold. It’s basic physics. You could say, “You make me melt like the ice cream in a hot fudge sundae,” but by the time you finish, she’ll be halfway through her blow off.

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
OK, out of all these lines this has the best potential, but only to be used with caution. If taken out of context, she may think you’re asking if she has a job and the ability to take care of your lazy butt. This isn’t a job interview. You only want to talk to her. Her line of work isn’t important. Unless she’s a cop.

Do you have a sunburn or are you always this hot?
You really have no clue if she’s hot unless you’ve touched her and to touch her before you’ve spoken to her will probably make her think you’re a perv of some kind. This one obviously works best if the girl isn’t pasty white, and during a time of year people actually see sunlight.

Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
This one is just plain stupid. If you use it, you should have your man card suspended. A woman is looking for a man who can take care of her, not a whiny little Sally who comes crying home when he scrapes his knee. Fonzie wouldn’t use this line and neither should you.

A lot of these things I have done in my life …some I have seen and some I have heard about. But what was that saying with Marlon Brando in “On the Waterfront” …ah yes now I remember …. “I coulda been a contenda for ya Halle ” “I coulda been a contenda”


One response to ““I coulda been a contenda for ya Halle bERRY ” “I coulda been a contenda” if I knew back then about dating what I KNOW now

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