Because I’m a Guy
Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.
Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.
Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger – – how the heck could HE know where we’re going?
Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.
Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the 21st century, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.
Note: All ” Sara Palins real men” answer “C” to all of the following questions. In understanding this and carefully reviewing the “C” answer, women will come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
Present it to the President of the United States.
Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
When he is the Pope (not on the lips).
When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the newspaper when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
“Do they need to eat or anything?”
“They’re enrolled in school already?”
“There are three of them, right?”
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be the wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
He was being tested.
He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
The question this time, from the men’s side of the table: what should you do when the women you’re with asks you: “What are you thinking?”
Every male in the world has had to deal with this question, which is more often than not uncorked at entirely inappropriate times, such as when you are watching sports, locked in a passionate embrace, or reeling in a feisty marlin from the Gulf of Mexico. Regardless of what you’re doing, you must come up with a complete and satisfactory answer, or stand accused of Hiding Your True Feelings. Which means, of course, you’ll spend the next week pretending to be sorry. So you’ve got to come up with something. And it had better be good.
Now, the obvious question here is: WHY do women want to know what we’re thinking? Simple: they assume we’re thinking in the first place. Hard to believe, but there it is.
Why on earth would they think that? Well, go up to a woman and ask her what she is thinking. This is what she be thinking about:
“Off the top of my head, I’m thinking about the party we’re having Saturday, and how I’m going to fix that chandelier in the front room so that people can walk around without hitting their heads. Underneath that I’m thinking about my work schedule this week and whether or not I’m going to have time to do some of the things I need to do at home as well. And under that I’m wondering if it’s too late to get tickets on a plane to NYC for Christmas. AND I’m thinking about getting a snack.”
Not only is she thinking about something, she’s thinking about four separate things. If I check back in five minutes, she’ll still be thinking. Women are always thinking, and often about practical things.
Men, on the other hand, are actively thinking for about five minutes out of every hour (usually not in sequence). So, at best, you have a one in 12 chance of catching a man actually having a thought. What are we thinking about?
The black unknowable nothingness that frames our existence, and whether a benevolent and omnipotent higher power can
possibly exist within it (or Beer)
In summary, randomly asking a man what he’s thinking has precisely a 8.83% chance of turning up a real, verifiable, honest-to-God thought. You might as well bet on the New York Jets. Sound harsh, guys? Fine. Quick — what are you thinking? Had to think about it, didn’t you. You lose. Sit down.
Despite the overwhelming evidence that we men, in fact, are almost never thinking, women will still demand to know their innermost thoughts. In a way, it’s touching; women are expressing faith that, if prodded long enough and frequently enough, they may yet boost the number of times we think in an hour. And they will. Unfortunately, most of what we’ll be thinking is “stop asking me what I’m thinking.” And that’s just going to get us in trouble.
The best way to keep a woman from constantly asking you what you are thinking is to have a ready, pre-memorized answer for the times that she does. Here are some tried and true responses, with the pros and cons of each:
“I’m thinking that tonight it’d be nice to stay at home and sit by the fire together.”
Pros: Romantic; Sounds as if you’re spontaneous.
Cons: Requires fireplace (or a cement floor and ventilation); Romantic moments often prompt even more “What are you
“I’m thinking how much I love you.”
Pros: Generally provokes a positive response that short circuits any need for further conversation; Is often also true.
Cons: If you use it too much, she’ll know it’s a line, and then you’re really in trouble.
“I was wondering if there is actually life on other planets.”
Pros: Cosmic; Shows you are a deep thinker.
Cons: Woman may wonder if this is an intro to the same sort of “alien sigmoidoscopy” story that ruined her last
“I was imagining, if I were an animal, what sort of animal I’d be.”
Pros: Imaginative; Allows woman to spend many happy minutes trying to establish your place in the animal kingdom.
Cons: She might think you resemble a marmoset or skunk; She may forego the animal world altogether and go straight to
“I’m just thinking about how true the lyrics to ‘Dust in the Wind’ really are.”
Pros: Shows depth of musical knowledge; As last resort to forestall conversation, you may break out into song.
Cons: If she’s a connoisseur of 70s melodic rock, you may find yourself in a bitter, divisive quarrel about which is
deeper, “Dust” or Aerosmith’s “Dream On”.
Keep in mind that these responses are not to supersede an actual thought. If you find yourself having one at the moment she asks, go ahead and share it, as long as it’s not something along the lines of “This relationship blows” or “I really like margarine”. With a little practice, you should come out okay.
But, hey. That’s just what I think BECAUSE I’m just a guy