This is the curious case of internet dating horror. A wildly successful man who by his own accounts took a sip from a glass and 3 months later was out 10g. A beautiful woman she was, but she carried a warning label to all those who forget that there are just as many crazy women out there as men. Six arrests, serial cheating, always asking for money, and the unique ability to always play the victim. She was “The Champion” Lets go to the video
So it’s all over. The final arrived at the store on day 1 when you met her only to be denied the nourishing rays of romantic disregard and the truth was banished (probably via ski lift; copters are for closers) to the cabin of loneliness to soak in a lukewarm hot tub shaped like a broken heart, wondering where it all went wrong. Why didn’t you see it
The other got her love with a majestic (“You are my Forever” shall certainly go down as this generation’s “You complete me,” though it must be delivered with a hair flip to honor its author), proposal bearing a solemn promise of at least, like, five more dates from her and a joint, with the total satisfaction of knowing his perfectly executed strategy delivered a victory in The Game that was never in doubt.
This, the final installment of blog-based “Why you should never date someone from Facebook” in the Austin heat was an astronomical expense, but worth every “Iamadummy.com promotional dollar, I take a look at the lessons that can be gleaned from this season’s thrilling waste of my time. This is what ya got.
1. Win the Mom.
A mans participation on internet dating generally signals some very profound issues — what trauma in the primary female relationship of his life drove him not only to seek out the approval of damaged women, but to pit them against one another for the chance to love him? — so winning her over is of utmost importance. If you’re the “nice” finalist, charming the family will be effortless; despite whatever emotional damage led you to subject yourself to this ritualistic, horror you’ve managed to get into , most of her family is your side just by being you.
If you’re the “winning” finalist, her sociopathic tendencies will be masked; so study the behavior of your past competition and do your best to not to replicate it. If she “lights up a room,” torch that room with the white-hot incandescence of your confidence. If she’s sweet and humble, well, fake that shit as best you can. You must win the Mom Round at all costs. Unless Mom is Joan Crawford.
2. THAT BEING SAID … continue to execute your plan. It’s gotten you this far. It will carry you to victory. But Will It /
She already established in emails, with wild success, her tactical tent poles: Being broke with a child, False Introspection, Empty Apologies, Simulated Honesty, Alleged Learning About herself, Emotional Reversals, Sexual Firepower, Being a Model, Putting Out. These were already in her tool belt. Unholster and deployed as necessary, she was confident in the mastery of each achieved over the previous months of cutthroat competition and all the fallen men. Didn’t occur to me until it was to late that I was dating this.
3. Be a model.
There is literally no end to the benefit of Being a Model on internet dating . Even now, in the endgame, with the rarefied mountain air infused with the faint but delicious taste of diamonds, this is your most valuable quality. Modeling is all about confidence. Do yourself a favor and be a model from the moment you first step out of the limo, or don’t be a model at all. Oh we were never a model ?
4. Don’t be into horses.
Guys just don’t care about horses, with the infrequent exception of the times they are wagering on them. Once it’s established that you’re a “horse person,” what are you going to talk about? The steeplechase? Riding crops? Jodhpurs? Furthermore, you’ve consigned yourself to endless rides in horse-drawn carriages during your dates. You probably hate horse-drawn carriages, as they represent for you the degrading subjugation of nature’s proudest animal, with every sad hoof-clap upon a cobblestone rode the echoing sound of equine slavery, but to him it’s, “Hey, she likes horses, I better find a horse pretty quick,” and here comes another cab on your final day together. It’s best not to play up that part of your life. Also, it never helps that you’ve spent a lifetime around animals with enormous genitalia; if you were really so confident in your penis, would you need a Facebook network to set you on dates?
5. Don’t get desperate.
This is the truth of the matter: Your mind should be already 99 percent made up when you walk in the door. On your final date before The Lebron James “Decision”, sudden breakthroughs will carry no weight. “Oh, how nice that she’s ‘opening up.’ It only took 10 helicopter rides, 15 picnics, and some mediocre, champagne-lubricated Fantasy Suite Jacuzzi sex for her to decide ‘her walls are coming down,'”
No amount of Hail Mary’d “I love yous” should sway you; if your strategy hadn’t already worked wall-destruction and calculated openness into earlier rounds, you’re out of luck. And, in the name of all that is Good and Holy, if she doesn’t hand you the final rose, Do. Not. Tell. HER. To. Call. You. If. “Things Don’t Work Out.”
“I love this other man more than you,” she says, bringing to an immediate end an emotional journey that has spanned continents and every conceivable reason you kept thinking of life as AL Bundy if you stayed. “That’s cool, I just want you to be happy,” you awkwardly respond as you retrieve your cape from a downcast miniyou attendant and are ushered into the your BMW, waiting to whisk you back to your suddenly love-bereft life, adding, “I think we can totally work through this!” as you descend out of sight, your muffled final plea mingling with the plaintive bleats of the mountain goats. “Call me.”
Yeah, don’t do that.
6. Write HER a letter from your heart and tuck it into a Memory Book.
Yes, we’ve already established that Romantic Scrapbooking is a suicide move. BUT:
(1) If you’re a model with a stranglehold on victory, and not, say, a call center VIP cocktail waiter glue-sticking his desperation to some construction paper, and (2) you’ve lasted long enough to have something resembling a “history,” truncated though it may be, and (3) you get a picture to include at least one not-for-broadcast image of your lovemaking atop an ancient Mayan temple, THEN you may bust out the Memory Book (let’s call it that instead) as a coup de grace.
By this point, you’re probably getting a little bored, and flirting with such danger will keep you tactically engaged long enough to get to the mountaintop proposal without a more significant act of possible self-sabotage.
And remember how the vows from your love were cribbed from Carrie Bradshaw? This time, put a little more effort into your composition. It will show “growth” and “progress,” and there’s no way she’ll figure out the “letter from your heart” contains nothing but lyrics from deep Wilson Phillips cuts.
7. When the ring conversation inevitably arrives, pretend it’s exciting to you.
Yes, she’s been a model for a long time, and she’s always draped in jewelry and shit. Too often it’s been from the Sally Jesse Raphael collection at Sears, but modeling is modeling to you, but you always wanted to have sex with a model, so whatever.
But when you finally produces that little box containing your personal choice from up to five reasonable options from the Forever Love collection at Jared, feign excitement. Sure, you’re super over the Mt Hood, get that thing out of your sight already, it’s not even that great a mountain, does it even have Sherpas?
And yes, the outcome of this competition has never really been in doubt, given your flawless execution of the greatest game plan ever devised by a Facebook lovematch . You went through the trouble of winning, so some tears are in order, a few kisses, a credible-enough declaration of love. Just get it over with. She owes that much, sort of, but not really.
Your answer is what? !!!!!
8. Don’t put out.
Congratulations! You’ve won. There’s nothing left to gain but freedom from the crazy train Time to shut off the spigot and move on with your soon-to-be post-broken-engagement life. See you on Bachelor Pad, eventually!
This is how I left Texas that day cause I wouldn’t leave her a car. Seems she was a bit upset