Sometimes stuck for something to say? Need a comeback for the office or for someone who’s being particularly annoying? Then, try some of these! (Don’t expect to make a lot of friends though)
1.Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2.The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist
3.Obviously you’re unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted world-view.
4.I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
5.Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
6.I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
7.I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
8.I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
9.Does everyone visualize duct tape over your mouth so early into the conversation?
10.I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
11.It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12.Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13.No, my powers can only be used for good.
14.How about never? Is never good for you?
15.I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16.You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication
17.You’re just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
18.Are you a freaking ray of sunshine every day?
19.I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
20.I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
21.I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
22.It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
23.It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
24.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25.Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject
26.And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
27.Do I look like a people person?
28.Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
29.If I throw a stick, will you leave?
30.You!… Off my planet!
31.Does your train of thought have a caboose?
32 Mistakes have been made. Others will be blamed.
33.Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
34.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
35. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
36.Chaos, panic, disorder – my work here is done.
37. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
38.I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
40. What am I?… Flypaper for freaks!
41. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
42. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
43. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
44.Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45 Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
47. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
48. Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
If this isn’t enough for you,
Expressions For High Stress Days for the ladies
1.Allow me to introduce my selves.
2.Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
3.Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
4.Do they ever shut up on your planet?
5.I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
6.I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
7.I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
8.How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
9.I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
10.You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
11.Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
12.Chaos, panic disorder – my work here is done.
13.Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the Earth.
14. Is it time for your medication or mine?
15 Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
16. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
17. So many men, so few who can afford me.
18. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
19 Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
20. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
21. Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
22. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
23 Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
24. I’m out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
25. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
27. I hate everybody…and you’re next.
28. I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
29. Of course I don’t look busy…I did it right the first time.
30. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
31. I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
32. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
33. Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.
34. Don’t upset me! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
Is someone bothering you at the club or wont go away? Try these. (Gender is interchangeable)
Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”
Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”
Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”
Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”
Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”
Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”
Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”
Man: “What sign were you born under?”
Woman: “No Parking.”
Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not Enter”
Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized !”
Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”
Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”
Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”
Man: “I can tell that you want me.”
Woman: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.”
Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:
Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”
Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”
Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”
Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?