I hate to be the one to defy a sacred male myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of us don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if we are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when we – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last- minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, we always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send us into a fit of panic and guilt, but it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,and by the time they got to the Midwest, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist at the Bass Pro Shop.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because we would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Home and Garden -like Santa would stop to inspect and repaint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a one of us :
Unless you are in the military most of us can’t pack a bag. (I dispute this -jw)
We would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Check that ; I Bravo Tv
We would feel our masculinity is threatened… having to be seen with all those elves.
We don’t answer our mail.
(then again, how many people get mail *back* from santa)
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
Men aren’t interested in stockings… unless somebody’s wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit our ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.