I’ve been reading a couple of thought provoking posts over at one of my blogs in particular a post about women loving jerks being a dating myth, and of course it’s got me thinking.
You’ve heard all about how “nice guys” finish last, that most women are more attracted to the “jerks” and “bad boys.” There are A LOT of men out there who think that women are more attracted to theses kinds of men. Yes, there are women out there like that. But, why is this? What is the REAL answer behind this subject on “nice guys?”
First of all, let’s begin by stating that there are not that many women who are attracted to the jerks or the bad boys. This is just something that is blown way out of proportion; greatly exaggerated. It just seems that way. Reading about this time after time after time on the Internet and in magazines and books just adds to the exaggeration, making it seem like that there are A LOT of women who are attracted to the jerks and bad boys. It’s a form of brainwashing. After so many times of reading and hearing it, men, too many, then begin to believe it.
Also, to add to this, too many men run into too many women who don’t have a good head on their shoulders. They are indecisive, flighty and flaky. These guys are then brought even further into the idea that all women aren’t attracted to nice guys but just the jerks. Well, it just ain’t so. If these guys dated and / or hung out with quality women, who know what they want, do you think that these guy’s mindset would be the same?
Another thing to think about is this: It doesn’t matter if you act like a jerk to her or not, hoping that this will somehow make you more appealing to her If she isn’t attracted to you in the first place! This jerk you always hear or read about can still have problems attracting some women. It’s because HE ISN’T HER TYPE. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHETHER HE IS A JERK OR NOT. He himself may think he might attract more women if he stops being a jerk to them. Ironic, isn’t it?
Here is where this myth can be cleared up: She doesn’t want a doormat. She doesn’t want a guy who is TOO nice (wishy washy). She wants him to be a little cocky, like a man should be. She wants a nice, and especially funny guy, but one who also acts like a man.
In other words
What woman likes a wimpy doormat? Women want a man who has a combination of being a little cocky, bratty and have a take-charge attitude and being nice and funny. She wants all these qualities, not a doormat. You can be a bit of a cocky rebel like Sean Penn, humorous like Jerry Seinfeld, silly like Jim Carrey and nice, like you usually are, all in one package. Many nice guys don’t do this…that so many women find attractive in men. That’s why they are more attracted to the bad boys and the jerks. The women are attracted to these types of men because these men are a bit of a rebel, they are cocky, they speak their mind, and they don’t bend over backwards for women, or for people in general. But, the downside for the women is that many of these guys are too much like jerks, and they treat women poorly.
What Does It Really Mean When She says, “You’re A Nice Guy”?
If you watch dating shows, you probably seen where the woman says to her date, “You’re a nice guy….” Then, after the date, the host of the shows says, “Uh-oh. … The dreaded nice guy line.” Again, this is something that is blown way out of proportion. It’s as if this happens all the time.
But, what exactly does it mean when a woman, who isn’t attracted to you in that way says that to you? Would your immediate thought be of, “I need to stop acting like such a nice guy!” That’s the typical thought. But, that doesn’t make sense. All you were doing is being nice to her, like she was doing to you. You paid attention to what she was saying, you asked her questions, to get to know her, and you were the gentleman women like. So why do so many men feel that they have to stop acting like that??? You didn’t do anything wrong, IF…you didn’t act OVERLY nice, try to overly impress her, and you had an attitude that you do want to get to know her, but if it doesn’t work out, there is always another woman to take her place.
Here’s something else most men don’t get:
When a woman, who isn’t interested in you in that way says that you are a nice guy, it means EXACTLY just that. You ARE a nice guy, but she isn’t interested in you in that way. You just weren’t her type, that’s all. Also, when a woman says this to a guy, it’s just something to say to him. It’s sort of like when a man says to a woman, “I’ll call you,” when he isn’t interested in her. … It’s just something to say. And when they say to each other at the end of the date, “Talk to you later.” Will they really talk later? Did a light bulb suddenly come on in your head?
Here’s one last thing to think about:
Hasn’t there ever been a woman you weren’t interested in? How about that coworker or neighbor who could be interested in you, but you aren’t the least bit interested in her? Is it really that big of a deal when one person of the opposite sex isn’t attracted to another?
Why Do Nice Guys, Supposedly, Get Dumped On All The Time?
It seems to be a common belief among men that nice guys always get dumped on by their female friends, or by women in general. Is that really true, or is there something more to this than meets the eye?
I recently read the following e-mail from a man who has this problem of always being called a nice guy, but he can’t find a woman who is attracted to him:
I helped a female work colleague get a higher professional qualification. During this time we became great friends, but sadly, nothing more. She then went through the worst year of her life (death of a parent, changing jobs, theft, car problems, boss problems, etc). I became a shoulder to cry on and gave lots of love and emotional support. Things turned out well for her. She got promoted to her dream job in the same area, and I helped her find a new apartment, lent her money for the deposit, and then spent a week of my holidays helping her to do up the apartment. Gradually, over a period of about a month, she distanced herself from me. Later I found out that she had a boyfriend. I unwittingly set up her apartment for her and her boyfriend. I kinda quizzed her about her boyfriend, in which she got a little angry with me and told me it wasn’t really any of my business. Since then our friendship drifted apart.
This is a typical story from nice guys who think they get dumped on. They think that if they do these nice things for her, she will then think of him as more than just a friend. Typical.
What, you don’t do nice things for your male friends? Shouldn’t it be the same when doing nice things for women? Many women have angrily commented that their male friends would do nice things for them because they had another agenda in mind. Okay, now is that being a friend to her?
The man who posted that apparently thought that she would be so grateful for his help that she would rush into his arms. Nearly all the time it doesn’t turn out that way, because nearly all men are like this man, not telling her how he feels about her. They then instead go, Boo, hoo! Nice guys always finish last! They should make it clear at the get go, rather than harboring these expectations, which have now turned into resentments. Guys like these have only themselves to blame.
Don’t categorize the “users” with the women just wanting to be friends because the friends aren’t attracted to you in that way. You can easily distinguish between the two. Though it’s not clear if this man’s “friend” was a user or she was just mad at him because of the way he acted, and all she thought they were were just friends; that he was doing these things for her because that’s what friends do for one another.
Many women get pissed off at their male friend who acts jealous / like a baby when she doesn’t show more than just a friendship to him, and / or she is dating men other than him.
Here is a collection of statements from women on why nice guys quite often do get left out in the cold (Keeping in mind that women want a nice guy, but not if he is TOO nice; wishy washy.):
If all you have is one failed relationship after another, the only common denominator is YOU. Think about it.
(This does make sense. After all, if you do keep having failed relationships, or dates that don’t go past that first or second meeting, maybe you should be looking at yourself. Many men pick beautiful women who have nothing going for them but their looks, but these guys expect more from her, like being nice and thoughtful, when all she has going for her is JUST her looks.)
The biggest problem is that most nice guys are insecure. They are so anxious to be liked and loved that they will do things for other people to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simple pleasure of giving.
There are women out there who zero in on nice guys to take advantage of them. “Users” stroke a nice guy’s ego, takes him for a ride, adds a notch to their belts, and then moves on to the next guy. Then these nice guys complain about women being so horrible.
Nice guys go overboard. They bring flowers to a “let’s get together” coffee date. They try to buy her affections with presents and fancy things. They laugh at her jokes that aren’t even funny. They hang on to every word with such zealousness. “I want a guy to listen to me, but relax about it, will ya!
They are so desperate to please that they put aside their own needs to jump on hers.
More than loving the woman in his life, a nice guy NEEDS her. “She is my life, my only source of happiness” He is too clingy, he doesn’t have a life of his own.
Nice guys quite often help women who are losers, they have neurosis and personality problems. These guys think that by “helping” these women, it will make him a better, more loveable person. She will appreciate and love him. Then when she turns around and treats him like shit, he then says: “This is what I get for being a nice guy!”
They start out being our friends, and then, overtime, they think we owe them something more than friendship, just because we are of the opposite sex.
Some women do love jerks, i.e. the perpetual ‘Bad Boy’. Or if we put it in a language that makes us a bit more comfortable: they love men that create drama. they want excitement, passion, fireworks, and whilst sometimes they get that, they often get plenty of mistreating, emotional unavailability, and ambiguity. ‘Nice Guys’ aren’t claiming a rough ride for no reason; it’s because they often get relegated into the friend zone for behaving half way decent and being available.
Now very few women would hold their hands up and say they like Bad Boys and those that do, well they’re a different, rather honest kettle of fish, but every day women blindly pursue relationships with men that reflect the negative things that they believe about themselves, love, and relationships.
You’re not going to stick around and value a man that treats you well and wants nothing more than to love and have a future with you because if you have negative things permeating your relationships which in turn create unhealthy love habits, you will draw in men that perpetuate these very things, not challenge them.
You want a guy to want to be around you and not abandon you – Go out with a jerk and you’ll get abandoned.
You want a guy to love and cherish you – Go out with a jerk and you’ll feel unloved and uncherished, which makes you feel not good enough.
It all comes down to self-love and if more had a lot more of it and dealt with the negative hangovers that many women seem to be afflicted with, a lot of these clowns wouldn’t stand a chance.
Bad Boys confirm that you are not good enough.
Bad Boys create the drama that some think is supposed to be part of relationships by giving fleeting highs, plenty of lows, and never quite letting you know where you stand.
Bad Boys take the spotlight off you so that you get to focus on how bad they are and what they’re doing to ruin the relationship.
Bad Boys make you want to try harder to win them over by providing a challenge. Of course when you don’t ‘win’ you determine that there must be something wrong with them.
Bad Boys get away with being Bad Boys because there are always women out there willing to go out with them because women bet on potential and hope that if you love them enough and ‘prove’ yourselves that they will become exactly what you want them to be.
Unfortunately a jerk, is a jerk, is a jerk. A clown, is a clown, is an clown. A Bad Boy, is a Bad Boy, is a Bad Boy.
This is like waiting for the cockroach to turn into a frog to turn into a prince.
These men are unlikely to change when you show that you are willing to accept them in their dodgy packaging. There is no incentive to change because they know that you must have some dubious love habits if you’re even willing to entertain them.
So it’s not really about loving Bad Boys – it’s just that you don’t love yourselves enough and when that happens, YOU’ll happily welcome the waifs and strays of the dating pool.
Are you waiting for your clown to change?
I learned long time not to disrespect myself. If I treat a woman well and she takes or attempts to take advantage then I walk away permanently. How you treat others is a direct reflection of what is in your heart and what makes you a man. Its all a reflection of yourself.