This is written from a male perspective to a female cousin
Do you make sure that your bed has clean sheets when you head out for a first date? Do you pack an overnight bag for your third date? Do you stock the fridge with his/her favorite snacks and drinks after date #2? These are clear (and hopefully kind of humorous) signs you tend to move things along too quickly when dating someone new.
I get it, you don’t really want to casually date. You want to be in a relationship. The reality is a few dates; stocking your fridge with his favorite beer and having sex do not constitute a relationship. Relationships typically cannot successfully be rushed. They need to grow and evolve. Over time you get to know each other, find out if it is more than just lust and decide together if this is to be a relationship.
So if your tendency is to imagine what your children will look like (Remember that album Kate Hudson’s character created in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?) while you are having dinner together for the second time or you are daydreaming about how your mom will really love her after your first date then please read on. Would YOU like to help you learn how to slow down and give your romance some breathing room and some time to truly develop into the relationship it is meant to be.
Here are some basic quick tips:
Focus less on your expectations of the other person and more on what you bring to the table
Remember that the intense passionate feeling will change over time – this is really okay. This is what can deepen into love.
These tips will take a bit more thought and will require you to consciously slow yourself down:
Identify why it feels like there is such a big hurry. Are you worried he/she will find someone else? Are you just lonely? It is important to find out what is driving this rush and resolve it because it doesn’t have anything to do with this relationship.
He/she is great in every way! Of course it feels that way because you have only been dating for 3 months. Do not, I repeat, do not move in together! 3 months (or 3 weeks) is not long enough to know if you can cohabitate. This is the honeymoon phase. Just enjoy it. Keep your apartment and your piece of mind. Trust me, moving in together at this stage is going to have you headed for disaster.
Be careful about how quickly you say those 3 little (but very powerful) words or make a life commitment. Have you had to handle a crisis together yet? Have you had your first argument yet? How you work through these kinds of life experiences can be very telling. You will begin to sort out if this is lust or love and if you both want to be together for the long haul.
Have you brought a U-haul on your second date? Are you in a hurry to make a relationship out of a couple dates?
If you are anything like that you would love to avoid relationship problems. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we tried relationship problems seemed to hunt us down and attack! Or, did we make relationship mistakes without knowing it?
Moving too fast – In a world where we have instant gratification, people are interested in getting results now! The days of waiting for things appears to be over. However, if you take a good look at several relationship problems, you will notice that moving too fast is at the top of the list.
In your quest to be loved and feel loved you rush into relationships with people that you wouldn’t ordinarily talk too! Is it because you are desperate? No! It is because you are tired of being alone and would rather be with someone than with you.
The sad part is the end result is usually a ton of relationship problems and eventually a broken heart. All of this could have been avoided if you take your time and get to know the person.
Take a look at your past relationships and ask yourself, “Did I move too fast?” You can rush if you want too and make several relationship mistakes, but don’t complain about the outcome.
Believing what you are told – It is common knowledge, amongst men who are habitual cheaters and players, women are prone to believe what men say.
It appears no matter what the man does women tend to hold on to the hope that, “Things will go back to the way it was.” Sorry to bust your bubble but that rarely happens and the end result is usually relationship problems.
The truth is no woman should believe what somone says. Nor should you consider them a liar. What women and men should do is listen to what someone says and see if they do it! Actions must agree with words.
It’s important to keep in mind that while the end result may not be achieved you should see the effort to reach it! For example, if the man says he will help you with finding a job and you see he is sending out your resumes without you asking then his words and actions are aligned to achieve the end result—getting you a job.
You must see both of them (his words and actions) heading in the same direction; otherwise, you can bet you will get hurt and have a lot of relationship problems to deal with.
Living in a fantasy world – As corny and weird as this may sound, millions of people suffer from this. Would you agree with me that you have an image of what your dream person should be like? Would you also agree with me if I said you have played out several scenarios in your head of what it would be like to spend time with that person? What you are doing is living in a fantasy world.
The problem is not the dreaming but when you expect the real world to adapt to your relationship fantasy. Have you ever said to a partner, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you act the way you should?” There a really good chance you expect this individual to live up to your fantasy.
The truth is very few people can live up to your fantasies! Part of the problem is your expectations are unreal! To you they seem normal but to another person they would consider you a psycho!
Let me give you an example! For years you envisioned the person of your dreams coming home, showering you with hugs and kisses, sweeping you off your feet and having a romantic evening. When they get home, they may be tired, go take a shower, sit down for a few and maybe talk with you.
After a few times of this happening, you begin to get upset with them because your “fantasy” is not being fulfilled. My point is: 1) Your partner is not aware of what you desire, and 2) How in the world do you expect someone to do those things every single day?
And that’s the problem! In your fantasy world, people don’t get tired, people don’t have lives, people don’t work, people just shower you with the things you want and need to keep you happy!
But in the real world it doesn’t work that way!
Not doing your homework – In this case, I am talking about getting to know the person. Yes, I am aware of the “chemistry” thing between people and the feelings of excitement and joy! However, once those fade, and they will, what’s left?
During the initial “lust” period you set aside or overlook the things that could save you from several relationship problems. For example, you are with a guy and when another man looks at you your man flies of the handle and threatens the guy. You think it’s a little overboard but like the attention. Hint: It can lead to physical and verbal abuse.
Another example, you are being showered with gifts but you never asked for them. While you like them it does make you feel a little awkward. Hint: The man is trying to buy your love because he may not be able to show he loves you or likes you in other ways. Consequently, you will feel neglected but have a ton of gifts.
These simple relationship mistakes and oversights can cause serious relationship problems. You can be stuck with a man who is so possessive that he would rather kill you than let you go. Or, you can end up with a man who is successful, yet neglects your simple needs such as giving you a little attention or his time.
If you desire to avoid relationship problems, the best thing you could do is take your time, learn as much as you can about the person and pay attention. Do not write things off as a one-time occurrence. By doing so you are giving the person permission to continue that behavior without knowing it.
Not knowing what you want – Do you know what you want? If so, why aren’t you happy? The truth is you have no idea what you want or need! You can sit there and disagree with me if you like but it’s true! Let me prove it to you.
Look at your life and ask yourself, “Am I where I want to be?” I can bet the answer is, “No!” So, how did you get where you are today? Simple! By not knowing what you wanted!
Look, I’m not saying you set out to be where you are today on purpose. You made a few decisions based on what you thought you wanted and things did not work out.
So, what did you do? You kept making decisions without knowing what you really wanted, which caused relationship problems. Then you get upset with the world because things didn’t work out the way you planned it.
Remember above I talked about living in a fantasy world. Well, many of your wants are based in a fantasy world. It’s not until you get rid of them that you begin to realize where you made your relationship mistakes.
Here’s a simple test! If you have done what you felt were the best things for you and your life is not the way you thought it would be then you are doing something that is not working for you! Notice I didn’t say it was wrong; it’s just not working for you!
Now you can better understand why you have relationship problems and suffer from relationship mistakes.
If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired then change what you want and stop repeating the same relationship mistakes and suffering from relationship problems over and over again! What do you have to lose?