Find political shenanigans entertaining? Slimy tabloid headlines? Train wrecks? And who doesn’t like to see the rich and powerful gloriously humbled and humiliated? Enjoy them all by signing up now for brand-spanking-new U.S. Political Scandal Fantasy League (USPSFL).
Join the millions of Americans who, having previously trashed untold hours, friendships, and families in sports fantasy leagues, now seek even higher highs in the thrill-a-minute national political scandal arena. New divisions are forming every week, so join one today.
Imagine the excitement as you scour Google News headlines for your drafted politicians’ latest embarrassing and illegal transgressions. Or have a new pick who turns out to be a milquetoast political do-gooder dud? Make a trade for an up-and-coming total DC low-life
Just as sports fantasy leagues award points based on drafted players’ in-game performances, so will USPSFL commissioners reward points for each Capitol Hill member’s egregious personal misconduct and red-faced meltdowns!
Points will be awarded daily according to degree of criminality, salacious details, creativity, and originality in several categories:
Level of Proof — Court conviction; damning physical evidence; lawsuit defendant; public accusation; juicy rumor.
Time Since Event or Public Disclosure — Breaking story; recent past ; ancient history.
Media Feeding Frenzy — Number of days on leading periodicals’ front pages: New York Times, USA Today, The National Enquirer, People, MAD Magazine.
Punishment Received — Jail time ; impeachment ; resignation ; excommunication ; divorce ; censure ; kicked in the nuts; public humiliation.
Outrageousness — Salacious Offense: murder, pistol-duel manslaughter, high-seas piracy, infidelity ; Run-of-the-Mill Misbehavior: fraud, bribery, sexual harassment, perjury, brain-dead public outburst.
Bonus Points — For involvement with truly inspired co-conspirators: clergy, nuns, midgets, librarians, farm animals, satanists, witches, circus clowns, food.
PowerBad Bonus — Triple points awarded if criminal behavior includes endangered species, blow-up dolls, rigid tubular fruits or vegetables, or hand-in-the-cookie-jar viral video initial disclosure.
Top political strategists stress to sign up now, well before the November national elections. Enhance your probability of a successful season by drafting fresh, lesser known candidates, since tons of fresh and foul-smelling mud are certain to be uncovered and slung wildly about during pre-election campaigns. Take advantage!
So sign up today for the hot new U.S. Political Scandal Fantasy League. Win big prizes when your scrupulously chosen political figures go plummeting down in self-inflicted flames! Guaranteed fun for people of all ages! Join now!