Hollywood Voice Mails and if Tom Cruise and Kiefer Sutherland really went crazy

I had some thoughts tonight.

About 2 yrs ago Morgan Freeman came to help celebrate the opening of one of his restaurants, Pig ‘N Whistle BBQ. He came around and greeted every table and talked with each guest, and everyone was getting their picture taken with him. I had a stroke of genius, though, and had my phone out. When Mr. Freeman reached our table, I asked if he would be so kind as to record a message for me. He said yes. Now I have this on my cell: “This is actor Morgan Freeman, Andrew is away from his phone right now but leave a message and he will call you back, I hope … I hope.” Is there a better choice for voicemail and a specific person to leave it?

So with some creativity I thought who the rest of the Dream Guest Message top five:

2. Jack Nicholson: “This is Jack Nicholson. Andrew isn’t home right now. You’re entitled to leave a message for him. Just know that I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain where he is, especially to someone who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said ‘thank you’ and went on your way. Either way, I don’t give a DAMN what you think you’re entitled to!!!”

3. Al Pacino: “Hi, this is Al Pacino. I don’t know where Andrew is right now. But I do know this. Life is just a game of inches. I am still willing to fight and die for that inch because that is what LIVING is!!! The six inches in front of your face!!!!! Now I can’t make you leave a message. You gotta do it. So wait for the beep.”

4. Buffalo Bill: (Silence of the Lambs) “This is Jame Gumb answering Andrews cell phone. Andrews not here. (Long pause.) Is this a great big fat person?”

5. Gene Hackman: “This is Gene Hackman for Andrews cell phone. There’s a tradition with phone messages to not talk about the return message until you’ve left the initial one. I’m sure leaving a message on Andrew” cell phone is beyond your wildest dreams, so let’s just keep it right there. Don’t worry about winning or losing with this message. If you put your effort and concentration into playing to your potential, to be the best that you can be, I don’t care what the scoreboard says at the end of this message, in my book we’re gonna be winners! All right? (Sound of a slow clap in the background.) OK? (Clapping gets louder.) Lemme hear it!!!!! (Everyone cheers, followed by a beep.)

Question: Isn’t the fate of Paul Crewe after defying the warden In the Longest Yard, undoubtedly one of the best (if not the best) unanswered questions in cinematic history?

Answer: It’s cracks my top five along “Shawshank” (what happened after they reunited?), “Breakfast Club” (what happened on Monday?), “Good Will Hunting” (what happened when he made it to California?) and the obvious No. 1 choice … what happened after Shelley Duvall and her son escaped the Overlook Hotel in “The Shining”? When they reached the police station, did she tell them the whole story? So my husband, he was slowly going insane because of all the ghosts in the hotel, and then he finally snapped and tried to kill us with the ax, and the ballroom turned into cobwebs, and 45,000 gallons of blood poured out of the elevator, and then my husband chased our son into the giant maze … wait, why aren’t you writing this down?

People who make me wonder
1. Tom Cruise
When he’s gone completely insane. I’m prepared for anything – Cruise turning Katie Holmes into the next Patty Hearst, committing a string of bank robberies, like the movie Dick and Jane.. trying to acquire nuclear weapons, running amok on the red carpet of “Mission Impossible” with an M-80, you name it. Or, nothing could happen. But it’s safe to say that the ceiling has officially been removed for Tom Cruise.

2. Kiefer Sutherland
He’s been playing Jack Bauer for too long – you can almost picture him sitting by himself in a Denny’s at 3 a.m., screaming things at the waitress like, “Find me a breakfast menu now!” and “Where’s the maple syrup? I’m only going to ask you one more time. Where’s the maple syrup?!

Question: If you were a male stripper, what song would you dance to?

Answer: “Picture Me Rollin'” by Tupac. That’s my answer for everything: male stripper song, cell-phone ring, song for my major league at-bat, music for my somber highlight package if I died, my entrance for a boxing match, you name it. It’s a song that fits any scenario — past, present or future —

Thought: I fully expect that after Roger Clemens either gets off or goes to jail in his press conference, he will take off his cap and will pull back his hair – revealing an identical 666 burned into his scalp; thus fulfilling the prophecy. This will immediately be followed by all the reporters in the room melting away, with their bones exploding like in “Raiders of the Lost

The best part about this would be Wilbon and Kornheiser discussing the incident on PTI the following day.

Kornheiser: “All right, Wilbon, some sad news last night, we found out that Roger Clemens was indeed the anti-Christ, as nearly 50 reporters – including some of the best this business had to offer – were melted to death after the prophecy was fulfilled.

Wilbon, you were there, but you were able to get out of the room in time … how does this affect Roger Clemens’ legacy?

Wilbon: “Oh, it absolutely affects his legacy! There’s no question! Tony, he killed 50 media members! He melted them to death!”

Kornheiser: “But he’s still the greatest pitcher of the last 50 years!”

Wilbon: “Tony, he’s the anti-Christ!”

Kornheiser: “I don’t see how that affects his Hall of Fame resume – 353 wins, over 4,500 strikeouts, 7 Cy Youngs … ”

Wilbon: “Tony, he’s a mass murderer! Pete Rose isn’t in the Hall of Fame for gambling on baseball, this guy melted 50 people! He almost killed me!”

Kornheiser: “Well, that shouldn’t affect what he accomplished on the field. Ty Cobb wasn’t a nice guy either. Now Moving to the NBA Lockout … ”

Thought: How hilarious would it be if President Obama doesnt get reelected and he pardoned O.J.???!!! I just think that would be a great ending to a rough 4 yrs…. He’d go out with a bang. Or if he gets get reelected and had a Samuel Jackson moment like in the movie “Snakes on a Plane” and jettison Rush Limbaugh off Air Force One.

This idea slayed me for some reason — not the premise as much as how everyone would react to the news. I think it would make Sean Hannitty of Fox News self-combust. He’d just explode like a hot-air balloon.

Just some thoughts for tonight


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