Living in Texas as I did as I did for 2 yrs as a transplanted New Yorker it was quite literally life on Mars. Stunned into silence like Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes. I learned my ways until I was able to survive and head back to the Motherland…the Bronx. I escaped to live another day. But if you do have to go to Texas I hope the lessons below will help you survive.
1. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean They can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
4. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
9. Get used to the phrase “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”. And the collateral phrase “You call this hot? Wait’ll August.”
10. There are no delis. Don’t ask.
11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man’s shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.
12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.
13. Brisket is not ‘cooked’ in an oven
14. Don’t tell them how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
15. If you think it’s too hot, don’t worry. It’ll cool down-in December.
16. They have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!
17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.
18. If someone tells you “Don’t worry, those peppers aren’t hot” you can be certain they are.
19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won’t do it.
20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don’t ask.
21. If someone says they’re “fixin” to do something, that doesn’t mean anything’s broken.
22. Don’t even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is ‘Margarita.’
23. If you don’t understand their passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.
24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called “courtesy”.
26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
27. No matter what you’ve seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.
28. “Tea” = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.
30. You better learn the way of the Cowboys. If you don’t your life will be like the last Human in ‘The Walking Dead’ Chances of
survival are not good
31. Most of all be wary of the Texas woman. Not only are they beautiful but their tears are like a Love Potion. Its in the
water. That’s why they say “don’t drink the water in Texas” or was that Mexico. I forget….still haven’t recovered fully
from that Texas heat yet….sorry