I dont drink, smoke or take drugs. In fact I cant even remember the last time I had a beer. What I do know is that I have a lot of friends who are comedians and some of their thoughts make me stop and wonder just what they do take. Just some thoughts
Did you ever stop and wonder…
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why you don’t ever see the headline: “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?
Why Doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why you have to click on “Start” to stop ‘Windows’?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why there isn’t mouse flavoured cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a “new & improved” flavor?
Why people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why your Obstetrician or Gynaecologist leaves the room when you get undressed – if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why Goofy stands erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport “a terminal” if flying is supposedly so safe?
Who the first first person was to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
Who the first person was that said, “See that chicken there, I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum?”
Why the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
What do you call male ballerinas?
If blind people can see their dreams? Do they dream??
That if Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why the “Alphabet Song” and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s on the outside of your ass?
Why it is when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
How come we put a man on the moon before realising it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?
Why brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells are forever?
How important someone has to be before they can be ‘assassinated’ rather than just plain ‘murdered’?
How come “phonetically” is spelt with a “ph”?
Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?
Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
When you get to heaven / paradise / nirvana, are you stuck wearing whatever you were buried or cremated in forever?
Why people say they “slept like a baby”, when babies normally wake up every two hours?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
What would the speed of lightning be if it didn’t zigzag?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?
Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Whose idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for “normal” people at the Special Olympics?
If you send someone ‘Styrofoam’, how do you pack it?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
Why don’t women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
Why did you give me your e-mail address in the first place?