Why I never had a chance to date Anne Hathaway or Rachel McAdams

Through Facebook I actually was friend by the first long-term girlfriend I ever had. With the horror of seeing someone you didn’t recognize I had the added pleasure of remembering that she was the first woman I ever had sex with. AH The memories!!!!

The first time I ever said “I love you” I blurted it out during sex. Most guys do because either they don’t think, or they think simply: “Yeah, getting laid is AWESOME.” Aside from hoping she enjoys it and wondering she’s evaluating my performance, my mind when I was younger as I can recall, dredged up the following strange things during sex:

How Did I Get Here?
How do I build a mental bread crumb trail up to the moment of triumph: What did I say/do over the last 24 hours? If I could find the common steps between all the times I got laid, I’d have a reliable system.

What if I Miss?
I’ve wondered, mid-thrust: What if I miss and hit a pelvic bone? I’d sustain major injury to myself and, depending on how hard I thrusted, I might even hurt her! But when you “do it ” for the first time you are taken to a place you’ve never been

Ecstasy on the Bottom, Agony on the Top
I was lazy and out of shape. If I can relax, lay back, and enjoy sex in a given position, it’s great. When I’m on top too long, I have that feeling I had in yoga: “I don’t know if I can handle this much longer.” I challenged myself to keep going, as if I was in the Army. Hell, that might be why I joined the Army.

What Are My Friends Doing Right Now?
When you build something up in your mind, it’s not as great as you thought it would be when it actually happens. For me, when I was younger sex was all about anticipation, and not so much about the actual act. So, I wondered if I was missing something more fun that my buddies were doing.

Super-Random Thoughts
Sex must release chemicals in my mind that stimulate random thoughts like:

or “The 29th President of the United States was Warren Harding.”

“Wombats are marsupials.”

…or I’ll suddenly remember where I misplaced my keys in 2004. Perhaps my mind was just racing and jumbled.

All guys want to be Energizer Bunnies. So, when things are hot and heavy, I just think of anything other than what’s turning me on to keep from ….. too soon. But it’s a delicate balance because I don’t want to compromise my big fella ! Lost is a disaster!

Smurfette Your Best Friend, My 3rd Grade Teacher
We know women imagine other people during sex. So do guys. While I’m screaming some one elses name.. I occurred to me that my girl had just turned into Linda Blair in “The Exorcist” , I may well be thinking of her hot sister, her best friend, my third-grade teacher, Smurfette… but saying it can lead to a machete incident. There are no good machete incidents.

Mental Notes
I pay close attention to reactions. She may like certain things, which I’ll put in my memory bank as “go-to” moves. If she dislikes something I’ll stop immediately and never do it again, and I’ll feel incredibly awkward. Trial and error — so sad that was my method. Now confidence is my name

But back then its no wonder she said ” you stand a better chance of winning lotto then seeing me naked again. Ah the memories of being 23

Time Parameters
Super-long sex gets awkward like a drunk, rambling best man speech at a wedding. If it’s too long, I’ll wonder if she wants to get it over. And, if it’s too short a time period, I’m embarrassed and I’m pretty sure she’s not happy.
Wrap it up

The Room Around Us
I’ve done the TV glance during sex. And creepy surroundings draw my attention, like a nearby picture of her mother, who seems to be staring at us while we’re going at it. Cats have a way of materializing at the worst moments. I’ve peeked around the room for them while having sex before. And, if we are near breakable objects, or other precarious areas, I’ll try to steer the operation to a safer place, while hoping she doesn’t notice.

Birth Control Thoughts
I’ll curse whatever birth control device is driving me crazy — usually the condom, with its propensity to ruin moments. And, of course, I worry about pregnancy — how well the birth control precautions are actually working.

Do I Really Like This Person?
Sometimes I wonder: What am I doing? Will this happen again? Do I even really like this person that much? Come to think of it, does she like me this much?

That’s a Bad Beat
Despite my riverdance skills, I don’t have rhythm. I’ll recall music class where the teacher said: “Every-bod-y-keep-a-stead-y-beat,” and go from there once the woman and I get into a rhythm. bUT MOST OF THE TIME IT WENT LIKE THIS

The Orgasm Goal
Everything I do is based on trying to get the girl to orgasm. And we all know a female orgasm is more complicated and elusive so that just adds pressure!

It’s no coincidence that my sexual encounters when I was younger have not been satisfying, because I worried too much and didnt lose myself in the moment. Let me toss the question back to you. Do you think I ever have a chance with with Anne or Rachel ?? Could I have been a contenda if someone watched over me?

or would have it always been like this

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One response to “Why I never had a chance to date Anne Hathaway or Rachel McAdams

  1. Pingback: Why I never had a chance to date Anne Hathaway or Rachel McAdams | Γονείς σε Δράση

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