THE MAURY POVICH SHOW
I caught this on TV on my way to Toronto: Some girl had a two year-old kid and a two-month-old baby, only she didn’t know if her husband was the father since she was cheating on him the whole time. Naturally, they went on Maury’s show to hash it out. I mean, where else would you go? And the guy is crying and stuff. Then Maury dramatically pulls out the paternity tests and says something like, “For the first kid, you ARE the father!” And the audience applauds and the couple hugs. Then Maury pulls out the second test and says, “For the second kid, you are NOT the father.” And both the guy and the girl run off backstage. Then Maury goes back there and tells the crying mother to console the crying father, as they eventually debate whether to change the baby’s name to Nochance. Then they went to commercial.
Well, I thought that was it. Then they came back and there was another woman there who had three kids — a two-year-old, a one-year-old and a little baby — and didn’t know the fathers for any of them. That seems impossible, right? I’m telling you, it happened. There were multiple candidates for the three Dad spots, including one guy who looked exactly like a Smurf . I hope it wasn’t him. As it turned out, one dude fathered the oldest kid and the youngest kid, another guy fathered the middle kid, and the Smurf made it back in time to play the premiere that night. And people were running backstage — they always run backstage, but they never run out of the building — and there were 300-pound aunts yelling at people. Utter chaos.
Here’s the thing: Apparently this is ALWAYS the show. Just Maury opening paternity tests as the crowd goes crazy and people sprint backstage. I feel like he’s onto something here. If ESPN could ever acquire the rights to this idea, tinker it towards the NBA and start running it on “NBA Fastbreak” on ESPN2, that show would triple the ratings for “SportsCenter.”