What not to do if you wanted to meet Anne Hathaway

I was thinking what would happen if I saw Anne Hathaway across a room and I wanted to meet her. Would i be cool or would I be that other guy

Every one knows that guy. He is the scourge of the nightlife
…the butt of all jokes …the dregs of our gender. That guy isn’t breaking any laws, per se but he breaks the basic rules of human decency. So when you are out and Anne Hathaway is in the building and you want to meet her you should never be that guy, specifically you should never be this GUY

THAT GUY who pays for beer with a hundred , flaunting it , waving it back and forth as if she will come flocking because you made 20 % of what a hooker makes in an hr.

THAT GUY who clips his blackberry to his belt Now your no fashion snob but you should intuitively get that on sat night or any night really …it shouldn’t look as though you just came from the IT server room.

THAT GUY who talks on his cell phone loudly about his stock portfolio . He says something like Wait you only mean I have 10 thousand invested in IBM Well Sir Double it !!!!!

THAT GUY who does a “sneak attack” to dance with her
( picture George Costanza and Jack Black in Shallow Hal) You’ve seen the move: on a crowded dance floor, the guy sneaks up to the girl from behind and then sort of grinds against her back and forth before she’s ever seen him …hoping she drunk enough not to mind.
Don’t ever do this. Somebody did this to my sister. It took them 3 weeks to find the guy still trying to recover from the Mike Tyson Punch she gave him.

THAT GUY who thinks that Anne is flirting with him on Facebook or in person ( she’s not) and calls her Honey and Dear , then , after the 7th beer , doest quite grab her but “accidentally ” brushes his hand across her breasts.

THAT GUY who accepts round after round of drinks and never buys a drink for any of his friends cause his whole existence and support is based on his womans allowance. You know the guy …it’s sort of a reverse NBA Housewife…a pet to put a tux on …

THAT GUY who tips a buck on a 100$ tab of drinks.

Now if you think you might be acting like Rachel McAdams fiancé in Wedding Crashers chances are that you have turned into that guy. If you are acting like any of Carries Dates in “Sex and the City” You’ve turned into that guy. Now if you are actually familiar with Carries dates in “Sex and the City” then you have turned into another guy altogether.

Everyone has an off night. Sometimes you get drunker then Lindsey Lohan on a home arrest post rehab binge. But if you are going down the path and across the room you see her its starts with L as in limiting your options.

It continues with O as in ‘OH DAMM” .

Then V as in you thinking of Valentine Day Gifts for a woman you just met. Its end with E as in the fiery hell of forever.

Suddenly the drinks tell you you’re in Love. You refuse to say it. But like Secretariat in the Belmont its an unstoppable force.”

“I love you'” you cry out , and Anne Hathaways security is on you like a batallion of ” Angry Birds ”

Then you squirm , you smile uncomfortably and your General brainstorms exit strategies. Your trapped ..you lack a practical comeback.

Pretend you just did this and let’s go over the responses. She says

Thank you‘ This is cracked code for “you suck . Please leave …this isn’t working It’s not that I’m not attracted to you it’s that your unattractive….goodbye now…dont write me, FB me , or text or call… no really… Goodbye and once again “Thank you”

;”I know” Like Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back.. you are about to be frozen in carbonite by Darth Vadar. “Run Forest Run”

I love the people you love: It might perplex you for a few minutes… sort of like listening to Congresswoman Michele Bachman. But its a Band-Aid not meant to be pulled off or comprehended.

“You too ditto” Not great but the best of the bad . It gives you wiggle room triggering a 7 hr debate among your brains ; they’ll parse these two words , wondering what exactly she meant by ” you too” A real head-scratcher.

My cousin Mike had a theory It was revolutionary according to him . He figured the that longer you wait … the more I love you is built up…the more it ends up meaning ….the deeper it becomes. So he figured he would put it out early months before she expects it …rob it of its meaning . “It’s like a preëmptive strike” he said “Keeping things casual avoids a serious relationship’ he claimed. He married her after 2 weeks.

Now lets say you’re not that lucky and you have struck out like the Mighty Casey and Anne Leaves. The Beer is saying ” everyone out one exit” and you head to the rest room

So lets say you are in the mens room . you have a wall full of urinals to choose from. Most are empty

Its simple physics. Leaving an empty urinal between you and the next guy is at its core a logical extension of gay lussacs law which posits, that gases will expand when heated . People seek space . You see it everywhere . In crowded elevators for instance, as some people exit , the remaining ones will spread out suddenly aware that they have stood up close and personal to a stranger. . AT an empty beach you wouldn’t plop your blanket nest to the only other dude… sitting NEXT to a stranger in a crowded movie?. Normal. In an empty one… creepy …this law applies to men women and as Gay Lussacs realized atoms and molecules, too . Its universal

Lets say that you are in the restroom. If you use the one next to the only one being used you are making a statement. You are running against the grain of physics. Violating the universe DNA. The poor guy with the exposed member has every right to wonder why? Do you want to start a conversation. Idle chitchat is discouraged. But you want to talk about how you just met Anne Hathaway.

But the guy next to you is thinking…are you comparing goods?. Do you want to play a little ” crossing of the streams”

Just like in “Ghostbusters ” that results in ” life as you know it stopping and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

But if you are going to fall in love with Anne without ever meeting her and without the beer. There is one exception. When you have exhausted all your escape routes …you’ve had your spirit broken …you have lost your will to fight when you have been cornered, beaten, sapped of all your independence,…then and only then …its time to profess your love to the one your with. Do that, and you wont get to play Knotting Hill with Anne Hathaway but the best days in your life are about to happen


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