One of the benefits of having of a BMW is that its a great car. One of the drawbacks is that if something goes wrong is expensive to fix. So I was stuck in Ohio watching last night BB game waiting and I wound up near a table where three attractive single women were complaining about — Surprise! — men. Specifically, they were complaining about the pickup lines that had been used on them in a bar a few nights earlier. They were loud enough that I could hear them
One woman said: “This guy comes up to me and says, `Are you a teacher?’ I mean, is that supposed to be romantic?” All three women rolled all six of their eyes.
Another one of them said: “This guy says to me, `I’ve been looking at you all night!’ So I go, `Hel-LO, we just GOT here.”’
Another one said “This guy says , You must be Anne Hathaway because the drug you give is making me fall in love !’’
At this point all three women — and I want to stress that these are intelligent, nice women — were laughing. Not me. I was feeling bad for the guys. I realize that there are certain hardships that only women must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. So I grant that it is not easy being a female.
But I contend that nature has given men the heaviest burden of all: the burden of always having to Make the First Move, and thereby risk getting Shot Down. I don’t know WHY men get stuck with this burden, but it’s true throughout the animal kingdom. If you watch the nature shows on the Discovery Channel, you’ll note that whatever species they are talking about — birds, ! crabs, spiders, clams — it is ALWAYS the male who has to take the initiative.
It’s always the male bird who does the courting dance, making a total moron of himself, while the female bird just stands there, looking aloof, thinking about what she’s going to tell her girlfriends. (“And then he hopped around on one foot! Like I’m supposed to be impressed by THAT!”).
Male insects have it the worst. The Discovery Channel announcer is always saying things like: “After the mating, the female mantis bites off the male mantis’ head, and then she and her girlfriend mantises use it to play a game that looks a lot like Skee Ball.”
When I was living in Arizona my patio was basically a giant singles bar for lizards. On any given day during mating season, I’ll see dozens of male lizards out there making their most suave lizard move, which consists of inflating and deflating a red pouch under their chins.
They seem to think that female lizards really go for a guy with a big chin pouch, but I have never once, seen a female respond. They just squat there looking bored, while all around them males are blinking on and off like defective warning lights.
Every now and then you’ll see an offbeat TV news story about some animal, usually a moose, that has for some reason fallen in love with, and decided to relentlessly court, something totally inappropriate, such as a lawn tractor. This animal is ALWAYS a male.
On the TV, they show it hanging around the lawn tractor with a big, sad, moon look, totally smitten, while the lawn tractor cruelly ignores it.
My point here is that, in matters of the heart, men have the brains of a walnut. No, wait! That is not my point. My point is that perhaps you women could cut us males a bit of slack in the move-making process, because we are under a lot of stress. I vividly remember when I was in 10th grade, and I wanted to call a girl named Patty and ask her to a dance, and before I picked up the phone, I spent maybe 28 hours rehearsing exactly what I was going to say. So when I actually made the call, I was pretty smooth.
“Hello, Dance?” I said. “This is Patty. Do you want to go to the Dave with me?”
Fortunately Patty grasped the basic thrust of my gist and agreed to go to the dance. This was a good thing, because if she had shot me down, I would have been so humiliated that I would have never have been able to go back to school. I would have dropped out of 10 grade and lied about my age and joined the U.S. Army, and as a direct result the Russians would have won the Cold War.
That is the awesome power that you women have over us men. I hope you understand this, and the next time a guy walks up and uses some incredibly lame, boneheaded line on you, I hope that, instead of laughing at him, you will remember that he is under the intense pressure of wanting to impress you enough so that you might want to get to know him better and maybe eventually, perhaps within the next 15 minutes, mate with him, thereby enabling the survival of the human race, which believe me is the only thing that we males are truly concerned about. Oops Got off track !!!
In conclusion, let me just say to all females everywhere, on behalf of all males everywhere, that you are very beautiful and your eyes are like two shining stars, unless you’re a female fly, in which case your eyes are more like 2,038 shining stars. So please give us a chance. And if you’re not interested, could you introduce us to your lawn tractor?
Otherwise some men will continue to use these line.s Just don”t try these on Anne Hathaway
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Do you know why the sky is so gray? [No, why?] Because all the blue is in your eyes.
Don’t stop! I don’t usually get to see beauty in motion.
I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Is your name Summer? ‘Cause you are HOT!
Let’s go to my place and do the things I’ll tell everyone we did anyway.
When God said, “Let there be women,” he created you.
You’re so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job.
Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
I may not have the gift to grant your wishes, but until then, I’ll make your dreams come true.
In a field full of flowers, you are a perfect rose.
I’ve heard that a person with eyes as beautiful as yours must have a beautiful soul.
Did you get arrested earlier today? [No. Why?] Well, it’s illegal too look that damn fine!
Is your name Jasmine? [No. Why?] Cause I want you to be Jasmine to my little Aladdin.
Heaven is looking for a #1 angel and I just found her.
Your eyes are as blue as the ocean and baby, I’m lost at sea!
How is it that I have to climb a thousand mountains to get to you, but you only have to smile to get to me?
If you took eleven roses and stood in front of a mirror you’d see twelve of the most beautiful things in the world.
You must have been heaven sent…because, you are my angel.
Kissing is a language of love, so how about a conversation?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can still make your bed rock!
Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
I never believed in love at first sight until YOU walked into the room.
If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
Was you father an alien? Because you’re out of this world!
I love every bone in your body. Especially mine.
There’s something wrong with my eyes. [What?] I can’t take them from you!
If I were you, I’d spend all day looking in the mirror!
You are so hot you’re making the sun sweat!
Is it night time? Never mind, that’s just the sparkle in your eyes.
How You Doin? [ala Joey on NBC’s FRIENDS]
Your name should be Campbell’s, cause you’re “mmmmm mmmmm good.
What’s that in your eye? Must just be a twinkle
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.
Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.
Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Pinch me. [Why?] You’re so fine I must be dreaming.
I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And baby, I’m lost at sea.
I must be a snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
Baby, you’re so sweet, you put Hershey’s out of business.
Didn’t I see you on the cover of Vogue?
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?
You’re so sweet that you’re giving me a toothache.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
I feel like Richard Gere, I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
Hey baby! Want some fries with that shake?
I’m a genie. Can I be in your bottle?
You are the reason men fall in love.
[Do you like looking at the stars?] Why look at the stars when I can look in your eyes?
Can I borrow a quarter? [“What for?”] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Damn, I thought ‘Very Fine’ only came in a bottle.