My High School Yearbook …. I looked like Hank in X Men

Translation: I was an enormous dork.

And it wasn’t just me; almost everyone screws up their high school yearbook. It’s like a rite of passage. Like Charton Heston discovering he was on Earth all along. I was sifting through my yearbook … it was like a 100-page car crash in another universe. Why in God’s name did everyone take it so seriously? Quote after agonized quote from groups and people I dont remember … you would have thought we were these anguished, miserable, disaffected kids. Please. We were going to college!

Maybe the only positive? Looking back, yearbooks are loaded with about as much unintentional comedy as you can pack in a hardcover book. The haircuts. The fashion styles. The quote choices. The dedications. You can’t even believe what’s happening as you’re reading along. For instance, my old friend John used a KC and the Sunshine band quote in my yearbook. KC ! You think that doesn’t haunt him every day?

Some tips about your yearbook choices:

1. If you can help it, avoid picking any quote from a band that might not be around in 10 years. If you want to cast your lot with Kid Rock, the White Stripes, Alicia Keys, India Arie, The Vines, The Hives or any of these other musical acts that people enjoy right now … you’re basically rolling the dice. Look at poor Adam. KC . This actually happened. If it’s a bubblegum act of the day, stay away. Stick with Bruce, the Stones, Pearl Jam, Nirvana and everyone else who will remain respectable 20 years from now.

2. If you feel like doing something wacky with your picture — a nose piercing, a visible tattoo, a freaky hairdo — don’t do it. You will regret it. Remember, you’ll be showing your kids this thing some day.

3. If they allow a section where you can write little comments, tributes and dedications, then …

KC and the Sunshine Band

Quoting a group like KC can haunt a kid into adulthood.

A. Never say anything maudlin or sentimental about the person you’re dating — you will be linked to them forever and ever. Just remember, when you get to college, you will break up with them by Columbus Day Weekend, probably get back together during Thanksgiving Break, then break up for good during Christmas vacation. Everyone thinks, “Oh, it won’t happen to us.” Believe me, it’s going to happen — 99 out of 100 people eventually break up with their high school flames. So keep the gooey stuff to minimum. If you’re devoting a quote to your significant other, choose this one: “Dead man walking!”

B. Never gratuitously thank your parents, friends, family … that’s just lame. Nobody wants to read that stuff. If you want to thank someone, thank a teacher. They devoted their lives to helping kids like you, you ungrateful slob.

C. Make a conscious effort to include obscure references and inside jokes that will confuse everybody and please your friends, especially if they’re dirty and/or secretly defamatory to someone else in your class. One catch: Don’t make them so obscure that you won’t have any idea what they mean 15 years later. That’s no fun.

D. Don’t identify your friends by their initials. Just write their names. Years later, you won’t even remember what half the initials stood for.

E. If you have a close friend of the opposite sex, don’t spend too much time on them … odds are, one of you will end up making a move on the other one down the road, it will play out badly, and you will never speak again. And even if you make it through college, once you get married, your spouse won’t let you be friends with them anymore. So start cutting ties now. Again, just trust me.

4. Most importantly, have fun with your quote. Nobody wants to read how miserable you are, or how confused you are, or how much you hate everyone, or how everyone underestimated you, or how parents and teachers are purely and simply evil, or the world’s keeping you down, or how nobody loves you … come on! It’s high school! Everyone’s miserable in high school! That’s why they created high school! So have some fun. I’ve always been jealous of my buddy for picking this yearbook quote:

” .”

RoseBud

Absolutely brilliant. Everyone else was killing themselves coming up with these tortured quotes, and he mocked the entire thing. Why didn’t I think of that? Damn him to Hell

Anyway, here’s a list of my favorite quotes. Some of them probably won’t work for a high school yearbook, but I’m trotting them out just because.

On to the quotes …

Me, I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man can always be trusted to be dishonest.
Honestly, its the honest ones you ought to watch out for, because you never know when they are going to do something incredibly stupid.

Pirates of the Caribbean:
The Curse of the Black Pearl

Get three coffins ready. couple of shots later.. My mistake, make it four.
A Fistful of Dollars

God is not on our side because he hates idiots also.
A Fistful of Dollars

“Some mistakes you never stop paying for.”
— Roy Hobbs The Natural

“Don’t have anything in your life that you can’t walk away from in 30 seconds.”
— De Niro in “Heat”

“Cheer up, Brando! How ’bout a mega-burger?”
— Nat Busichio

“I have three rules which I live by: Never get less than 12 hours sleep, never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city, and never go near a lady with a tattoo of a dagger on her hand. Now you stick with that, and everything else is cream cheese.”
— The basketball coach in “Teen Wolf”

“Relax. We’ve been playing these guys for 80 years. They’re never gonna beat us.”
— Yogi Berra to Bernie Williams during the 1999 ALCS

“Now it places the lotion in the basket … now it places the lotion in the basket … PUT THE (EXPLETIVE) LOTION IN THE BASKET!!!!! (Holding nipples) AHHHHH! AHHHHHHH!”
— Buffalo Bill, a k a James Gumm Silence of the Lambs

“That’s what they get for building a stadium on the ocean.”
— Oil Can Boyd, after a game was fogged out in Cleveland

“Maybe the problems of two people don’t amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!”
— Lt. Frank Drebin

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Will Rogers)

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes.
Oscar Wilde

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. (not a clue!)

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on.
Samual Goldwyn

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
George Burns

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. (not a clue!)

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. George Burns

“Anything else is always something better.”
— Koglan the Bartender

“Never tell tales about a woman — she’ll hear you no matter how far away she is.”
— Koglan the Bartender

“Everything ends badly … otherwise it wouldn’t end.”
— Koglan the Bartender

“Do you know how easy this is for me? Do you know how (expletive) easy this is? Do you have any (expletive) clue? It’s a (expletive) joke. And I’m sorry you can’t do this, I really am. I’m sorry I have to sit around and watch you fumble around and (expletive) it up.”
— Will Hunting

“I’ve won at every level except high school and college.”
— Shaquille O’Neal

“If she keeps putting you on hold, it’s time to hang up the phone, pardner.”
— Larry King

Bill Murray
Carl Spackler will help you turn your yearbook into a real “Cinderella Story.”

“And I said, ‘Hey Lama, how ’bout a little something, you know, for the effort?’ And he says, ‘There won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed you will receive total consciousness.’ So I got that going for me … which is nice.”
— Carl Spackler

“This is A.C.! I got O.J. in the car! (pause) This is A.C.! You know who this is, —dammit!”
— Al Cowlings

“Anytime someone calls you and identifies themselves with their full name, odds are it isn’t someone you want to talk to under any circumstances.”
— Mike the PoliceMan

“A sportswriter looks up in the sky and then asks you, ‘Is the sun shining?’ ”
— Sonny Liston

“You don’t own your possessions, your possessions own you.”
— Tyler Dirden

“I want you to watch something now … watch this!”
— Paul Maguire

“Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the head with a big rubber basketball shoe.”
— Hunter S. Thompson

“I like simple pleasures, like butter in my (expletive), lollipops in my mouth. That’s just me. That’s just something that I enjoy.”
— Floyd Gandolli

“Well, that kind of puts a damper on even a Yankees win.”
— Phil Rizzuto after hearing about Pope Paul VI’s death

“I can’t get over the size of this Russian!”
— Warner Wolf

“I have two things in this world — my word and my balls — and I don’t break neither one of them for nobody.”
— Tony Montana

“What happened? How did everything that was so good get so bad?”
— Rocky Balboa

Let Rocky Balboa help you ease through the “change” of leaving high school.

“If I can change … and you can change … Everyone can change!”
— Rocky Balboa

“Uh-ha, it’s all good baby bay-bee, uh.”
— Notorious B.I.G.

“Listen, here’s the thing. If you can’t spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker.”
— Mike McDermott

“In the poker game of life, women are the rake. They are the (expletive) rake.”
— Lester “Worm” Murphy

“Talk is cheap and rumors are even cheaper.”
— Carver High coach Ken Reeves

Edward Norton
Worm Murphy talked a better game than he played in “Rounders.”

“His recollection was not in a full and adequate disclosure, and not in conformity with an objective reality.”
— Edward Bennett Williams on George Steinbrenner

“The amount of liquor I drank last night would have killed a small- to medium-sized Asian family.”

“I don’t understand the creative process. Actually, I make a concerted effort not to understand it. I don’t know what it is or how it works but I am terrified that one green morning it will decide not to work anymore, so I have always given it as wide a bypass as possible.”
— William Goldman

“You want a beer? Wanna quit starin’ at mine then?”
— Dylan McKay

“On this Father’s Day, we’d like to wish all you fathers out here a happy birthday.”
— Ralph Kiner, Father Day 1988

“Please, Hatch. You must play. If we run now, we lose much more than a game.”
— Pele

“Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.”
— Jimmy Conway

“Just when they think they got all the answers, I change the questions.”
— Roddy Piper

“After changes upon changes we are more or less the same … after changes, we are more or less the same.”
— Paul Simon

“It seems like I win every week … and I do!”
— Stu Feiner

“Being a Red Sox fan is like being a 120-pound man in a maximum security prison.”
–My Cousin Frank

“Is this a futuristic movie?”
–My Texas raised 1992 girlfriend 30 minutes into “Escape from New York” on her first trip to NYC

“Well, our divorce was a bigger failure than our marriage.”
— Sonny Crockett to his estranged wife

“Yah mo be there.”
— Michael McDonald to James Ingram

“They can do whatever they want. I’ll still be eating steak every night.”
— Von Hayes on Philly fans booing him

“Last time I checked, there weren’t any W’s and L’s in my paycheck.”
— Former Celtic Curtis Rowe

“Show me a good and gracious loser, and I’ll show you a failure.”
— Knute Rockne

“Larry Bird is not walking through that door, fans. Kevin McHale is not walking through that door, and Robert Parish is not walking through that door. And if you expect them to walk through that door, they’re going to be gray and old. … And as soon as they realize that those three guys are not coming through the door, the better this town will be for all of us. … All this negativity that’s in this town sucks.”
— Rick Pitino

“Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t now then.”
— Bob Seger

“Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”
— Dean Wormer

“If anything in life is certain, if history has taught us anything … it’s that you can kill anyone.”
— Michael Corleone

“Stop looking out, start looking in. Be your own best friend. Stand up and say, hey, this is mine!”
— Sammy Hagar

They can talk about me like they want to, but, um, I got my money … so matter what you all say, Mike black, but Mike rich!”
–Michael Irvin

“When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, it’s a wonder I can think at all.”
–Paul Simon

“I don’t want to be remembered, I want to be forgotten.”
–George Costanza

“Just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.”
–George Costanza

“Get busy living, or get busy dying.”
–Andy Dufrene

“Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?”
–George Costanza

“My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.”
–Dr. Evil

“All I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody’s ever gone the distance with Creed, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I’m still standin’, I’m gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren’t just another bum from the neighborhood.”
–Rocky Balboa

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Rhett Butler Clark Gable Gone with the Wind 1939

“I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.” Don Vito Corleone Marlon Brando The Godfather 1972

“You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.”[2] Terry Malloy Marlon Brando On the Waterfront 1954

“Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” Dorothy Gale Judy Garland The Wizard of Oz 1939

“Go ahead, make my day” Harry Callahan Clint Eastwood Sudden Impact 1983

“All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.”[3] Norma Desmond Gloria Swanson Sunset Boulevard 1950

“May the Force be with you.” Han Solo Harrison Ford Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope 1977

“Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.” Margo Channing Bette Davis All About Eve 1950

“You talkin’ to me?” Travis Bickle Robert De Niro Taxi Driver 1976

“What we’ve got here is (a) failure to communicate.”[4] Captain Strother Martin Cool Hand Luke 1967

“Made it, Ma! Top of the world!” Arthur “Cody” Jarrett James Cagney White Heat 1949

“I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Howard Beale Peter Finch Network 1976

“Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” Rick Blaine Humphrey Bogart Casablanca 1942

A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.” Hannibal Lecter Anthony Hopkins The Silence of the Lambs 1991

“You can’t handle the truth!” Col. Nathan R. Jessep Jack Nicholson A Few Good Men 1992

“You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?” Harry Callahan Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry 1971

“It’s easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you’ve got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile / When his shorts aren’t too tight in the seat.”
–Elihue Smails

“I’ve been trying to walk the straight and narrow, but even my straight’s a little crooked.”
–Dylan McKay

“They hate me because they ain’t me!”
-Busta Rhymes

“The older you get the more rules they are going to try and get you to follow. You just gotta keep on livin man! L-I-V-I-N!”
–David Wooderson

“I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.”
–Lloyd Dobler

“I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum… and I’m all out of bubble gum.”
–Rowdy Roddy Piper in “They Live”

“Let’s go, man. This place is dead anyway.”
–Charles in “Swingers”

“Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever.”
–Shane Falco

“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.”
–Jack Handey

“I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so… scared”
–Jessie Spano

“When I’m dead, and my activities on Earth have passed, I hope they bury me upside down so my critics can kiss my ass.”
–Bobby Knight

“It’s a dog eat dog world and I’m wearing milk bone underwear.”
–Norm Peterson

“The accusation that Pedro Guerrero could finance and underwrite a drug deal is ludicrous! He doesn’t have the acumen or the ability to finance anything more complicated than lunch.”
–Pedro’s attorney

“Education: the ability to describe a beautiful woman without using your hands.”
–Anonymous

“Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. ”
–Andy Dufrense

“I’ll make it”
–Jimmy Chitwood

“Listen: People are always saying, ‘Rickey says Rickey.’ But it’s been blown way out of proportion. People might catch me, when they know I’m ticked off, saying, ‘Rickey, what the heck are you doing, Rickey?’ They say, ‘Darn, Rickey, what are you saying Rickey for? Why don’t you just say, ‘I?’ But I never did. I always said, ‘Rickey,’ and it become something for people to joke about.”
–Rickey Henderson

“I can handle things! I’m smart! Not like everybody says. I’m not dumb… I’m smart and I want my respect!”
–Fredo Corleone

“I feel bad for those people who don’t drink, because when you wake up in the morning that’s as good as you’re going to feel all day long”
–Frank Sinatra

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.”
–Ferris Bueller

“I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian”
–Mike Tyson

“Larry Bird was so good that night, even the Hawks were giving each other high fives.”
–Quinn Buckner

“I’m gonna find me two waitresses here and I’m gonna pull me a Fredo.”
–Double Down Trent

“Everybody has a plan until they get hit.”
–Mike Tyson

“May the bridges I burn light the way”
–Dylan McKay

“The sun will rise, the sun will set and tomorrow I’ll eat lunch”
–Former Red Sox GM Lou Gorman

“Well, all I’m saying is that I want to look back and say that I did it the best I could while I was stuck in this place. Had as much fun as I could while I was stuck in this place. Played as hard as I could while I was stuck in this place. Dogged as many girls as I could while I was stuck in this place.
–Don Dawson

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
–Robin Williams.

“Things ain’t like they say they be, but they do!”
–Oscar Gamble

“Maybe the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”
–Jerry Seinfeld

“You’re all playin’ for second place.”
–Larry Bird

“Half the hoes hate, half them love me. The ones that hate me only hate me cuz they ain’t [expletive] me.”
–Ja Rule

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
–Dan Quayle

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
–Barbara Bush

“Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue.”
–Lloyd Bridges (Airplane)

“The words you say never live up to the words in your head.”
–Chris Cornell

“Did you ever notice that ‘what the hell’ is always the right decision?”
–Marilyn Monroe

“It’s like this and like that and like this ‘n uh, it’s like that and like this and like that ‘n uh,
it’s like thisssss … and who gives a (bleep) about those, so just chill to the next episode.”
–Dr. Dre and Snoop

“It’s a town full of losers, and I’m pulling out of here to win.”
–Bruce Springsteen

“You define the moment or the moment defines you.”
–Roy McAvoy

“I can get a good look at a steak by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take the butcher’s word for it.”
–Big Tom Callahan

“It’s not that I’m lazy. It’s that I just don’t care.”
–Peter Gibbons

“The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in time of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.”
–Dante

“I’m sure there’s more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.”
–Derek Zoolander

“”I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers.”
–Marilyn Manson

“It’s sad, but I think it’s great to be free. Granted, I could go out and lose everything (by) gambling and drinking, but there’s no sense in denying it. It’s in my blood.”
–John Daly

“Hanging around. Hanging around. The kid’s got alligator blood. You can’t get rid of him.”
–Teddy KGB

“A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.”
–Bob Dylan

“Today I didn’t even have to use my AK, I gotta say it was a good day.”
–Ice Cube

“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
–Dave Barry

“No such thing bad student… only bad teacher.”
–Mr. Miyagi

“Ain’t no sense worrying about the things you got control over ’cause if you got control over ’em, ain’t no sense worrying. Ain’t no sense worrying about the things you got no control over ’cause if you got no control over ’em, ain’t no sense worrying.”
–Mickey Rivers

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