Budlight presents: Michele Bachmann, Real woman of Genius

Today we salute you Ms. Profession­al Grifter History Revisionis­t
(Singing) Ms. Profession­al Grifter History Revisionis­t

Only you have the cojones to try to lead a Tea Party of individual­s demanding less government while simultaneo­usly accepting subsidies for your farm.
(Singing) Gotta love a handout

We love someone who represents values of fostering children, as long as the government kicks down some dough for those kids. And hey, you can pick which kids you want!
(Singing) Make sure none are gay now!

Today we salute you Ms. Profession­al Grifter History Revisionis­t
(Singing) Ms. Profession­al Grifter History Revisionis­t

So crack open a cold bottle of Fox Light, old Mother Hubbard. God knows you will need it the next time one of your children joins that pesky leftist Peace Corps.
(Singing) Ms. Profession­al Grifter History Revisionis­t”

“And perhaps then, too, there will flick across his mind a little errant wish, that a man might not have to become old — never outgrow the parks and merry-go-rounds of his youth. And he’ll smile, then, too, because he’ll know that it is just an errant wish, some wisp of memory, not too important really — some laughing ghosts that can cross a man’s mind … that are a part of a wish to revise History”
The Twilight Zone ‘ Walking Distance”

Michele Bachman acknowledged Tuesday that she misspoke when she claimed yesterday that actor John Wayne was from her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. But the 2012 GOP hopeful refused to dial back on another one of her notable gaffes: Her claim that the nation’s Founding Fathers “worked tirelessly to end slavery.”

In an interview with ABC’s George Stephanopoulos, the Minnesota congresswoman insisted she was right on the slavery claim and pointed to the career of John Quincy Adams, the nation’s sixth president who was not yet nine years old when the Declaration of Independence was drafted with the help of his father, John Adams.

What’s funny about her defense of John Quincy Adams being a founding father is that even if he was a founding father and involved in the Revolutionary War era, that’s not even the time in America when slavery was being fought against. That was the Civil War era, some 100 hundred years later. The Founding Fathers were the ones who claimed that blacks were 3/5 of a person and were property, and that’s when slavery flourished. John Quincy Adams was long dead before slavery was attacked and eventually abolished. Now its part of our history for people to revise

Bachmann insisted John Quincy Adams, who later worked to end slavery, should be considered a “Founding Father.”

“He was a very young boy when he was with his father serving essentially as his father’s secretary,” Bachmann told ABC. “He tirelessly worked throughout his life to make sure that we did in fact one day eradicate slavery.”

But Stephanopoulos interjected, insisting that the younger Adams had never been considered one of the Founding Fathers.

“Well, John Quincy Adams most certainly was a part of the Revolutionary War era. He was a young boy but he was actively involved,” Bachmann replied.

But in a separate interview with CNN’s American Morning, Bachmann admitted to occasionally “misspeaking”—including on her claim yesterday that Wayne, the legendary movie star, was born in Waterloo when in fact his hometown is Winterset, nearly 150 miles away. Rather, it was serial killer John Wayne Gacy who lived in Waterloo for a time.

“People can make mistakes and I wish I could be perfect every time I say something, but I can’t,” Bachmann told CNN. “But one thing people know about me is that I’m a substantive, serious person and I have a strong background.”

No, you don’t have to be perfect, but when you DO make a mistake and your approach then is to argue that you are right when you are clearly wrong, and to have your supporters attempt to change Wikipedia to match your personal version, then we all have a problem.

I’ve figured it out. John Quincy Adams rode along side Paul Revere through the streets of Boston ringing the bells and warning the British that John Wayne was coming. Think I’ll run for President!

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The Differences Between Men and Woman. Ever Been in the Doghouse?

“Guys say the stupidest things.” Say any of the below and you will be screaming like Sam Kinison. That’s a near universal female maxim. And let’s face it: there’s more than a grain of truth in it. We guys do say some pretty idiotic stuff. Thing is, we rarely mean to. In fact, we often don’t even know that we did! What to do? Channel your fifth grade teacher and remember to think before you speak. Behind otherwise benign statements lurk some rather, well, stupid stuff.

Everybody crosses the line once in a while in a heated argument with their mate. Yep, your big mouth can get you in trouble and if the verbal offense is serious enough, it can be a relationship buster.

While every woman has her special hot buttons, there are some things that are a safe bet to tick her off big time. Here’s my rundown of 20 things you should never say to your mate. I’m sure you can come up with a few more. Avoid them at all costs. Never is a strong word. This is serious stuff especially if you want to live to 50

1. “My ex was a better cook.” Women are competitive (guys are, too) and for some reason, it really kicks in for most of them when their culinary talents are questioned. Maybe it’s some deep-seated maternal instinct, but bite your tongue and eat up, unless a can of cold beans sounds good to you because your night will be like this.

2. “I’ve had better sex.” Repeat: women are competitive, especially when it comes to keeping their man happy, as in lovemaking and food. And, nobody in a committed relationship wants to hear about their mate’s past sexual escapades. Especially if you ever want to have sex again

3. “Ask her “How many men you’ve really had sex with.” I’m not advocating lying here, but unless you were a saint before you met her, this is a trap with permanent consequences. Whatever number you report, she won’t forget it. The higher the number, the bigger the potential doghouse.

4. “Your girlfriend is really hot.” You may find her friend extremely attractive but you better not tell her that. Even if she says her friend is pretty, don’t agree too enthusiastically. Jealousy is a powerful emotion, for the most secure women dont ever want to hear this …. Welcome back to the Dog HOUSE my friend

5. “You need to lose weight.” It may be true that she’s packed on a few pounds but she knows that so you don’t need to verbalize it. Besides, anything that requires will power like losing weight or quitting smoking is an individual thing—you can’t make her do it anyway and she’ll just resent you for trying. Even Abe Lincoln cringed when asked that question

Shortly after this, Abe also made a history by becoming the first man ever to spend a night on he couch.

6. “I’m smarter than you.” We all have strengths and weaknesses and there’s a good chance you’re better at something than she is (and vice versa). Just don’t verbalize it. That will give her the impression you think you’re smarter than she is—dumb move. Even a caveman knows this one.

7. “I make more money than you.” Everyone likes to believe that a relationship is a partnership of equals, and rubbing a big inequity in her face is a surefire way to make her feel inadequate. She’ll start to resent you for it. Remember, money is a leading cause of divorce and possibly living in ‘Al Bundy Hell” sitcom

8. “I can’t stand your family.” Even if the in-laws are total jerks and she knows it, she doesn’t want to hear it from you. It’s still her family and blood is thicker than water. Be smart and let her do the ragging about her family.

9.“After everything that I’ve done for you?!”This is playing the guilt card, which may work now and then, but at a steep cost. It suggests that, at the end of the day, your relationship is one based on points reflecting who’s done what for whom. And you might want to reflect long and hard before you suggest that such a score be tallied.

10. “You always do this or never do that.” You hate it when you get the always/never routine, so don’t be a hypocrite. It’s a great way to paint yourself in a corner because chances are, it’s simply not true. and “Down goes Frazier

11. “You’re over-reacting.”While this may be true from an objective standpoint, she will never agree, at least not on the spot. No matter what she may be throwing at you, be that insults or ceramic knick-knacks, she believes she’s acting appropriately. So duck if you have to and then say something like this: “I don’t blame you for being upset, but I’d rather focus our energy on fixing the problem.”

12. “You’re not being logical. ”Once again, you may be right, but that’s beside the point. (Note that we said “may.”) When in the midst of a debate, one plus one can equal three. Put logic aside, and listen for the core matter as she sees it. Hopefully she’ll return the favor when you suggest, for instance, that because it’s the third Sunday of the month, it would be a crime against humanity if you didn’t go fishing.

13. “Who put that idea in your head, your mother?” On a calm day, your wife or main squeeze may concur that her mother is a bit “out there.” However, when you suggest that some beef or ideas of hers isn’t genuine and, instead, has been “planted” by her mother (or sister, or girlfriend), it suggests that she can’t think for herself. Treat her thoughts and ideas as her own, regardless of their origin.

14. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”Well, maybe you need to read more, because whenever you feel you’ve heard the worst of ideas, just sample a few pages of the Darwin Awards. Don’t dismiss ideas outright. Instead, express what about the idea you don’t like. Even better, start by saying what you do like about the idea. Remember, someone once called the internal combustion engine a waste of gray matter.

15. “The other guys’ wives are cool with it.”Even if true, such statements really shouldn’t matter. Think about it this way: If your kid wanted to do something that you didn’t want him to, would the fact that another parent told his kid it was OK change your mind? We didn’t think so. What other wives or girlfriends are doing or saying should be of no concern. Make decisions for yourselves and leave others out of it. Or risk your wife telling you all about the “super-duper romantic” dinner some other husband put together for some other wife.

16. “I’d rather watch the game with the guys than hang out with you.” Sure, it’s sometimes true, but as the old saying goes, discretion is the better part of valor.

17. “You’ll feel differently tomorrow.”Maybe. Maybe not. Often, a good night’s rest provides a different perspective on life, right? And though this insight may be wise, none of us like to hear it. That’s because it suggests that something we’re upset, angry or passionate about now is just a passing fancy.

18. “You always (fill in the blank).” “You never (fill in the blank).”Definitive statements like these only poke the bear. In most of these cases ¾ “You never give me credit for what I do!” ¾ they’re not literally true and only come off as grandiose statements that hide the real concern or message. Talk, instead, in terms of “sometimes” and “only occasionally.” You’re more apt to be heard, even if you feel that never happens.

19. “You didn’t used to be this way.”Inherent in this statement is the implication that in whatever manner you suggest she “used to be,” that that was far better than the way she is now. Ouch!

20. “You’re missing the point.”When your wife hears this, it gets translated into “You’re not smart enough to understand what I obviously said so clearly and so brilliantly, so let me dumb it down for you.” If you really think she missed your point, then make your point again in a different way. Or you will be like SAM KINISON

What not to do if you wanted to meet Anne Hathaway

I was thinking what would happen if I saw Anne Hathaway across a room and I wanted to meet her. Would i be cool or would I be that other guy

Every one knows that guy. He is the scourge of the nightlife
…the butt of all jokes …the dregs of our gender. That guy isn’t breaking any laws, per se but he breaks the basic rules of human decency. So when you are out and Anne Hathaway is in the building and you want to meet her you should never be that guy, specifically you should never be this GUY

THAT GUY who pays for beer with a hundred , flaunting it , waving it back and forth as if she will come flocking because you made 20 % of what a hooker makes in an hr.

THAT GUY who clips his blackberry to his belt Now your no fashion snob but you should intuitively get that on sat night or any night really …it shouldn’t look as though you just came from the IT server room.

THAT GUY who talks on his cell phone loudly about his stock portfolio . He says something like Wait you only mean I have 10 thousand invested in IBM Well Sir Double it !!!!!

THAT GUY who does a “sneak attack” to dance with her
( picture George Costanza and Jack Black in Shallow Hal) You’ve seen the move: on a crowded dance floor, the guy sneaks up to the girl from behind and then sort of grinds against her back and forth before she’s ever seen him …hoping she drunk enough not to mind.
Don’t ever do this. Somebody did this to my sister. It took them 3 weeks to find the guy still trying to recover from the Mike Tyson Punch she gave him.

THAT GUY who thinks that Anne is flirting with him on Facebook or in person ( she’s not) and calls her Honey and Dear , then , after the 7th beer , doest quite grab her but “accidentally ” brushes his hand across her breasts.

THAT GUY who accepts round after round of drinks and never buys a drink for any of his friends cause his whole existence and support is based on his womans allowance. You know the guy …it’s sort of a reverse NBA Housewife…a pet to put a tux on …

THAT GUY who tips a buck on a 100$ tab of drinks.

Now if you think you might be acting like Rachel McAdams fiancé in Wedding Crashers chances are that you have turned into that guy. If you are acting like any of Carries Dates in “Sex and the City” You’ve turned into that guy. Now if you are actually familiar with Carries dates in “Sex and the City” then you have turned into another guy altogether.

Everyone has an off night. Sometimes you get drunker then Lindsey Lohan on a home arrest post rehab binge. But if you are going down the path and across the room you see her its starts with L as in limiting your options.

It continues with O as in ‘OH DAMM” .

Then V as in you thinking of Valentine Day Gifts for a woman you just met. Its end with E as in the fiery hell of forever.

Suddenly the drinks tell you you’re in Love. You refuse to say it. But like Secretariat in the Belmont its an unstoppable force.”

“I love you'” you cry out , and Anne Hathaways security is on you like a batallion of ” Angry Birds ”

Then you squirm , you smile uncomfortably and your General brainstorms exit strategies. Your trapped ..you lack a practical comeback.

Pretend you just did this and let’s go over the responses. She says

Thank you‘ This is cracked code for “you suck . Please leave …this isn’t working It’s not that I’m not attracted to you it’s that your unattractive….goodbye now…dont write me, FB me , or text or call… no really… Goodbye and once again “Thank you”

;”I know” Like Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back.. you are about to be frozen in carbonite by Darth Vadar. “Run Forest Run”

I love the people you love: It might perplex you for a few minutes… sort of like listening to Congresswoman Michele Bachman. But its a Band-Aid not meant to be pulled off or comprehended.

“You too ditto” Not great but the best of the bad . It gives you wiggle room triggering a 7 hr debate among your brains ; they’ll parse these two words , wondering what exactly she meant by ” you too” A real head-scratcher.

My cousin Mike had a theory It was revolutionary according to him . He figured the that longer you wait … the more I love you is built up…the more it ends up meaning ….the deeper it becomes. So he figured he would put it out early months before she expects it …rob it of its meaning . “It’s like a preëmptive strike” he said “Keeping things casual avoids a serious relationship’ he claimed. He married her after 2 weeks.

Now lets say you’re not that lucky and you have struck out like the Mighty Casey and Anne Leaves. The Beer is saying ” everyone out one exit” and you head to the rest room

So lets say you are in the mens room . you have a wall full of urinals to choose from. Most are empty

Its simple physics. Leaving an empty urinal between you and the next guy is at its core a logical extension of gay lussacs law which posits, that gases will expand when heated . People seek space . You see it everywhere . In crowded elevators for instance, as some people exit , the remaining ones will spread out suddenly aware that they have stood up close and personal to a stranger. . AT an empty beach you wouldn’t plop your blanket nest to the only other dude… sitting NEXT to a stranger in a crowded movie?. Normal. In an empty one… creepy …this law applies to men women and as Gay Lussacs realized atoms and molecules, too . Its universal

Lets say that you are in the restroom. If you use the one next to the only one being used you are making a statement. You are running against the grain of physics. Violating the universe DNA. The poor guy with the exposed member has every right to wonder why? Do you want to start a conversation. Idle chitchat is discouraged. But you want to talk about how you just met Anne Hathaway.

But the guy next to you is thinking…are you comparing goods?. Do you want to play a little ” crossing of the streams”

Just like in “Ghostbusters ” that results in ” life as you know it stopping and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

But if you are going to fall in love with Anne without ever meeting her and without the beer. There is one exception. When you have exhausted all your escape routes …you’ve had your spirit broken …you have lost your will to fight when you have been cornered, beaten, sapped of all your independence,…then and only then …its time to profess your love to the one your with. Do that, and you wont get to play Knotting Hill with Anne Hathaway but the best days in your life are about to happen

What to do if Rachel McAdams is not in the Wedding Party you intend on Crashing

I had a friend ask me to come up with a Booty Call Wedding Crasher contract at a wedding. Often, the “friends with benefits” gets soured she said because one person has different expectations than the other. The contract should ease these awkward issues. For example, the contract might stipulate whether at any point the other party might be asked to attend a wedding or a family function, if only so that the single person won’t be asked the entire night why they’re single.

The contract might say that under no circumstances can the other party be called after 2 a.m. on a weekday night. Or maybe before 10 p.m. on a weekend night. Or there may be certain actions that aren’t allowable — Julia Roberts’ character in “Pretty Woman” had a “no kissing on the mouth” clause, although it’s not exaaaactly the same thing since she was playing a prostitute. Or perhaps a stipulation stating that at no point should either party say in the morning that they “will call” the other party. We both know it’s not going to happen.

In fact, the odds are much greater that he will never call if he actually uses those words than if he had said nothing at all, or had said “I’ll see you later.” And even if he does call, it’ll be so much later that you’ll have already taken his number out of your phone and will have forgotten who he is, anyway. You get the point.

I just- I- I- … I can’t even speak right now.

Since she said she couldn’t afford the services of an attorney, She was hoping that I could whip up a draft and post it for general use. Single gals would be most grateful she said because, frankly, the Wedding Thing thing is getting way too complicated, and if one more guy starts bitching and moaning because she didn’t want him to sleep over, She was going to be a axe murder.

Anyway, I think the Call contract should come with six provisions:

1. You can’t call it a “booty call.” No self-respecting guy would ever use a phrase like that. Back in the day, my friends always used the phrase “stop-by” because it was intentionally ambiguous. Guys like ambiguous. It makes us feel comfortable. “Booty call” sounds like something Arsenio Hall would say to Magic Johnson in the late-’80s, followed by them both collapsing on an oversized sofa in hysterics.

2. For one thing, you can’t meet anyone else if you already have a date, But weddings are an absolute hookup gold mine in your 20s. (No way in real life though does Mr Frodo; Owen Wilson, sleep with Rachel Mcadams so why remove that option for yourself?). Also, you’re opening yourself up to people coming over to you and saying, “So, what’s going on with (fill in Date’s name)?”, and then you have to pooh-pooh the whole thing and people will mistakenly think that either he’s gay or you’re a harlot. This is much worse than anyone thinking you’re single (and possibly available).

3. No unannounced stop-bys after the Wedding. You have to call first. I wouldn’t put a time limit on phone calls — The hotline should be open 24 hours a day.

4. I would leave in the provision of one or both parties saying, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” because it’s tradition, as well as a nice litmus test — if they say they’ll call you tomorrow, and they actually do, they might be developing real feelings and/or have accidentally stumbled across “When Harry Met Sally” on later that night and gotten the wrong idea. I like the safety of “I’ll call you tomorrow.” It’s right up there with a woman saying, “I’ve never done anything like this before.” It’s just good to get it out of the way.

5. But if you’re doing the F.B. thing with a guy who’s actually bitching because you won’t let him sleep over, you need to re-evaluate things. Geez …What guy wouldn’t rather wake up in his own bed?

6. You should probably negotiate which actions aren’t allowable before you enter into the contract. As your attorney, I would allow ALL actions and negotiate a provision that explicitly says “both parties will exhibit good hygiene at all times.”

But here’s the important thing: These stupid contracts never work. In the history of mankind, there has never been a crash situation that worked out in the end. Somebody always ends up wanting more than the other person, there’s almost always bitterness, and if you manage to remain in touch with the same guy five years from now, I would be absolutely amazed. It’s just human nature.

My advice would be to find an actual boyfriend … and if you can’t find one, move to a different city. It’s crazy to me how many women have trouble finding a decent boyfriend, yet they’ll stay in the same city for 10 years. If you were fishing in one section of a river every day, and you never caught anything, would you keep returning to the exact same spot, or would you try your luck somewhere else?

But guys, if you do have to go to a wedding and Rachel McAdams is not there …. lets make it fun

Lets spruce the festivities up with gambling. … I mean, that’s inspired genius. Let’s assume that we’re working with a 5 p.m. wedding ceremony, just for the sake of accuracy. Here are some other things you could gamble on:

1. Quality of the best man’s toast vs. quality of the cake (even odds): This one could be especially fun if you wagered heavily on the best man, then he choked in his speech, and you wanted to kill him afterward. And yes, few things in life are more enjoyable than someone screwing up a best man’s speech. I can’t believe somebody hasn’t turned “Worst Best Man Speeches” into its own TV show yet.

2. Girl who catches the bouquet hooks up with the guy who catches the garter (10-1 odds): I’ve only been to one wedding where this ever happened, so the 10-1 odds seem generous here.

3. Groom’s horny friend starts grinding on the dance floor with somebody’s attractive cousin who isn’t 21 yet (even odds): And somebody’s mother is always horrified. You can usually see this one coming. As an aside, I was delighted when this exact scenario happened at my buddys wedding. It was a dream come true.

4. Band plays “I Will Survive” (+/- 8:45pm): I hate this song. There’s always that one girl on the dance floor who just broke up with someone and gets a little too into the lyrics. Calm down, honey.

5. Token slutty bridesmaid goes after a waiter, band member, or any friend of the groom attending the wedding without his girlfriend (wager $400 to win $100): Easy money. When you mix the emotions of “I’m sad because my friend’s getting married and I’m still single” with “I’m horny and drunk” and “Everyone looks good because we’re all dressed up,” just about anything’s possible. They probably can’t make these odds high enough.

6. Groom cries or faints during the wedding ceremony (3-1 odds): And here’s the worst thing: You can’t really make fun of them afterward. It was too big of a moment. So you might as well wager on it.

7. Puking or fisticuffs during the reception (10-1 odds): Although these odds drop to 3-1 in the general LA area.

8. The Mother-Groom dance is “You Look Wonderful Tonight” (20-1 odds): We needed a long-shot wager on here. Imagine the excitement if you had 20-1 on Clapton and those first few seconds of the song started playing.

9. Fat guys dancing without their jackets and sweatstains under their arms (+/- 2.5): Another great part about weddings. Huge, sweeping sweatstains are always funny.

10. The token “couple who’s been dating for three years and either need to get engaged or break up” have a huge blowout during the wedding reception (even odds): Not good times. Uh-oh … I’m having flashbacks …

And the ultimate long-shot bet…

11. Wedding called off at last minute (50-1 odds): It’s dark, it’s evil … but a $10 bet wins you $500. More than enough to pay for your tux.

12: Women arguing about the looks of other woman (no odds )
The storied history of “Women trying to cut down chicks who are indisputably hot” — harkens back to the Stone Age — The Catty Corner …saw it on the History Channel

Here are 75 ways to stay unhappy and alone forever

Dale Carnegie once said, “It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It’s what you think about.”

I don’t think anyone could say it any better than that. I’ve watched so many friends search tirelessly for happiness by changing jobs, moving to new cities, pursuing intimate relationships, and tweaking all sorts of other external factors in their lives. And guess what? They’re still unhappy. Because they spend all of their time and money adding positive externals to their lives when their internals are still in the negatives.

So with that in mind, here are 75 ways to stay unhappy forever. Of course, I would highly recommend you read each bullet point and then move swiftly in the opposite direction.

Dwell on things that happened in the past.
Obsess yourself with all the things that might happen in the future.
Complain about problems instead of taking the necessary steps to resolve them.
Fear change and resist it.
Work hard, do your best and then condemn yourself for not achieving perfection.
Belittle yourself.
Hang out with other people who belittle you.
Try to control everything and then worry about the things you can’t control.
Lie to yourself and those around you.
Keep doing the same thing over and over again.
Be lazy and follow the path of least resistance.
Hold onto anger. Never forgive anyone.
Always be right. Never let anyone else be more right than you.
Compare yourself unfavorably to those who you feel are more successful.
Let small issues snowball into big problems.
Never learn anything new.
Never take responsibility for your own actions.
Blame everyone around you.
Don’t ask for directions and don’t ask questions.
Don’t let anyone help you.
Quit when the going gets tough.
Be suspicious. Trust no one.
Get four hours of sleep every night and convince yourself that it’s enough.
Never throw anything way. Even if you don’t use it, hold onto it.
Say “yes” to everyone. Fill all your time with commitments.
Try to be everyone’s friend.
Multitask, multitask, multitask! Do everything at once.
Never spend any time alone.
Don’t help others unless you have to. Do only the things that benefit you directly.
Hang out with people who complain about everything.
Focus on what you don’t want to happen.
Fear the things you don’t fully understand.
Always seek external validation before you consider yourself good enough.
Take everything and everyone in life seriously.
Spend your life working in a career field you aren’t passionate about.
Focus on the problems.
Think about all the things you don’t have.
Read or watch lots of depressing news from broadcast media.
Set lofty goals for yourself and never do anything to achieve them.
Never exercise.
Only eat junk food and fried food.
Never check-up on your health.
Setup your lifestyle so it revolves around money.
Spend more than you earn and rack up lots of financial debt.
Don’t say what you mean. Don’t mean what you say.
Frown.
Never tell anyone how you feel or what you’re thinking.
Make sure everything you do impresses someone else.
Always put your own needs on the back burner.
Get involved in other people problems and make them your own.
Make others feel bad about themselves.
Watch TV for several hours every day.
Gamble often.
Stay in the same place. Don’t travel.
Don’t play, just work.
Let your hobbies go.
Let your close relationships go.
Never finish what you start.
Take everything personally.
Do lots of drugs. Drink lots of alcohol.
Never say, “I’m sorry.” Never say, “I love you.”
Don’t work hard at anything.
Always wait until the last minute.
Believe that, no matter what, you are entitled to things.
Let others make decisions for you.
Remember the insults. Forget the compliments.
Let it all bottle up inside.
Rely on others for everything.
Fail to plan.
Don’t dream.
Don’t think about the future at all.
Always disregard other people’s opinions and suggestions.
Make promises you can’t keep.
Don’t decide on anything, ever.
Just keep going and going and going. And never ever stop.

And now that you know what not to do, You now know a secret about happiness. Nobody is happy all of the time.

A Man Maxim: Shouldn’t your dog be bigger than a toaster ?

THE other day I saw a man walking 6 dogs. What turned my head was that it was 6 Chihuahuas

There is only one rule with dogs for me : It must be larger than a toaster; Not Clear enough ? Here are Five signs that your dog is too small.

1. You are unable to play frisbee with your dog , because when he tries to catch it , the frisbee bowls the dog over and smacks him to the ground.

2. On a airplane , your dog comfortably fits underneath the seat in front of you.

3. Try as he can, his itty bitty legs cant quite make it up to the coach. , so you installed a doll size step for him

4. He cowers from squirrels

5. At least once a day you almost step on him because hes too tiny to register in your peripheral vision

You must remain faithful to the spirit of mans best friend: he’s a vigorous companion , not a toy

AND WHILE WE ARE ON IT
* NO MATCHING SWEATERS
* NO DRESSING YOUR DOG UP FOR HALLOWEEN
* NO SANTA SUITS
* NO OUTSOURCING YOU AND ONLY YOU MAY TRAIN YOUR DOG
* NO COLLARS FROM PRADA

One exception : Lets say that your girlfriend already had a toy dog before you moved in making you a co-owner. Your off the hook. However your appropriate response as a mans man is also to get a 250 lb Saint Bernard that will relentlessly intimidate Tinkerbell

5 Great Stories of late Success in life

When I went past 40, this of course meant that any chance I may have had to be notable or notorious has vanished along with my ability to stay up past midnight. Because, of course, in our culture, if I haven’t “made it” by now, it’s probably never going to happen. The world loves a wunderkind, whether it’s five-year-old Mozart or the latest tween sensation. College kids create billion-dollar tech companies, teenagers win Olympic medals, and the rest of us might as well just get out of their way. F. Scott Fitzgerald famously stated, “There are no second acts in American lives.” Easy for him to say—The Great Gatsby was published when he was only twenty-nine.

But there are plenty of people in the world (including me) who continue to feel that even if a person isn’t rich and famous by age twenty-five, it’s still possible to make a mark on the world. Many notable people had false starts on their life journeys and didn’t make it big until an age when the young go-getters were already getting their first lifetime achievement award.

Martha Stewart
Before she was one of the country’s most powerful and respected media personalities, Stewart was a married stockbroker with a young child. At the age of thirty-two, she left her job to focus on spending more time with her daughter and to restore the historic Connecticut farmhouse she and her husband had just purchased. It was instantly obvious that Stewart had a flair for all things domestic, and at age thirty-five, she started her own catering company. At one event, she was introduced to the publisher who eventually published her first cookbook, Entertaining, in 1982. Stewart was forty-one years old at the time. In the 1980s, she published many more cookbooks, appeared on television shows like CBS’s The Early Show, and authored newspaper articles. Her eponymous television program began in 1993, and by the time her company, Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, went public in 1999, making Stewart a billionaire, she was fifty-eight years old.

Stan Lee
Born in New York City in 1922, Stan Lee enjoyed remarkable success early in life, but he didn’t become a household name in the world of comics until his forties. After Lee graduated from high school at age sixteen, his cousin helped him get a job at Timely Comics, the company that would eventually become Marvel Comics. Lee, who always wanted to be a writer, started out by delivering lunch, filling inkwells, and doing other menial tasks, but by age nineteen, he was writing his own material, developing his own superheroes, and promoted to editor-in-chief. He wrote and edited all genres of comics, but by the late ’50s, his creativity had stagnated and he considered switching careers. He embarked on one last effort to create some new superheroes, deciding to design these new characters according to his own specifications, not those of the company or the reading public. Lee’s new heroes included the X-Men, Fantastic Four, the Incredible Hulk, the Avengers, Iron Man, and Daredevil. His most enduring creation, Spider-Man, debuted in 1962 when Lee was forty and became Marvel Comics’ most popular character ever.

Laura Ingalls Wilder
Laura Ingalls was born in Wisconsin, but her family eventually moved to Minnesota and South Dakota as homesteaders. She lived a life typical of women in the late 1800s, marrying fellow homesteader Almanzo Wilder in 1887, when Ingalls was eighteen. The Wilders eventually settled in Missouri, where they ran a farm for much of their lives. It wasn’t until their daughter Rose began a successful freelance writing career in the early twentieth century that Laura considered doing some writing of her own. She became a columnist and editor of the Missouri Ruralist from 1911 until the mid-1920s, and published a few articles in national publications with the help and editing advice of her daughter. After the stock market crash of 1929 wiped out much of the Wilders’ savings, Laura wrote a manuscript based on her own childhood experiences, which was eventually published in 1932 as Little House in the Big Woods when Laura was sixty-five years old.

Colonel Harland Sanders
The creator of Kentucky Fried Chicken held a series of odd jobs during his teenage and early-adult years, working as an insurance salesman, a boat pilot, a farmer, and a fireman and serving in the army. In the early 1930s, he was running a small service station in Corbin, Kentucky, where he also served meals to his customers. At first, he served the food in his own living room because he didn’t have the money or space to run a real restaurant. As he became more popular with locals and travelers, he eventually opened his own establishment, and in 1935, the governor of Kentucky bestowed on him the title of Kentucky Colonel. In 1940, when he was fifty years old, he invented his now-famous recipe for fried chicken, with its eleven secret herbs and spices. In 1955, when Sanders was sixty-five, business took a downturn and he used the proceeds from his first Social Security check to start the process of franchising his fried-chicken concept, turning his small fried-chicken restaurant into a national fast-food phenomenon.

Helen Gurley Brown
In the late 1940s, Brown moved to Los Angeles, where she attended business college and went to work as a secretary. While she was working at an advertising agency, her supervisors noticed that she was an excellent writer and promoted her to the position of copywriter. In 1959, she married a film producer, and by the early ’60s she was one of the highest-paid advertising copywriters in the country—male or female. Her big moment came in 1962, when she authored the influential book Sex and the Single Girl at the age of forty. She became the editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, turning it around with a new message of female liberation, and remained in her job until 1997, when she was seventy-five.

People who believe that a person can’t change her life or hit it big after thirty are sorely mistaken. Perhaps they haven’t heard of Rodney Dangerfield, who didn’t get no respect until the age of forty-two, or Julia Child, who didn’t even learn to cook until she was thirty-seven. They obviously haven’t heard of Grandma Moses, Mary Higgins Clark, Georgia O’Keeffe, William S. Burroughs, or Henry Miller, none of whom were household names until later in their lives. Even when fame comes late, it’s better late than never.