Top-10 least convincing athletic performances by an actor in a sports movie

I was bored so I spent my day to see if I could compile a list of useless stuff that only someone bored would come up with. So as the Joker said in Batman, “here we go ”

Top-10 least convincing athletic performances by an actor in a sports movie

10. Ray Kinsella’s Dad (“Field of Dreams”) — The whole movie builds to this surreal climax — Ray finally getting to make up for the fact that he never got along with his dead father by having a catch with him — and then the actor portraying Ray’s Dad looks like he just learned how to play catch that day on the set. Always bothered me.

9. Jonathan Lipnicki (“Jerry Maguire”) — Remember the last scene of the movie, when they’re walking in the park and Lipnicki picks up a loose baseball and unleashes that allegedly superhuman throw? It looks like he’s having some sort of epileptic spasm.

8. Ralph Macchio (“Karate Kid”) — No way Macchio defeats a just-entering-his-prime Billy Zabka at the All-Valley Karate Championships in real life. Child Puh-leeeze.

7. Matt Damon (“Legend of Bagger Vance”) — Let me put on my Robin Williams beard: “Matt, it’s not your fault … you’re not a golfer … it’s not your fault … it’s not your fault … it’s not your fault … it’s not your fault …”

6. Joe Don Baker who played The Whammer (“The Natural”) — That scene would have worked much better if you didn’t have the nagging feeling that you could have struck out the Whammer.

5. The guy who played crafty veteran righty Eddie Harris (“Major League”) — Was he even cracking “40” on the radar gun?

4. Dwayne Schintzius, Greg Ostertag (“Eddie”) — Come on … we’re supposed to believe that these guys could have been actual NBA centers? What are we, stupid?

3. Tim Robbins (“Bull Durham”) — Looked like he was auditioning for the “Run, Throw and Catch like a Girl” Olympics. Irrevocably tainted the movie for me.

2. Mac Davis (“North Dallas Forty”) — See the above paragraph about Robbins, with the added bonus that Davis was playing an NFL quarterback and couldn’t have been taller than 5-foot-6. If he turned that role down, Dudley Moore would have been all over it.

1. Michael J. Fox (“Teen Wolf”) — The watershed “I can’t believe this is happening” sports movie performance of my lifetime. Fox literally couldn’t even dribble without looking at the ball … and yet the last 10 minutes of “Teen Wolf” somehow remains one of the more entertaining sports movies sequences of the ’80s. I’ve stopped trying to figure it out.

Top-10 most devastating on-screen deaths of all-time

10. Apollo (“Rocky 4”) — Throw the damned towel! Throw the damned towel! For the love of God, throw the damn towel

9. Cyrus (“The Warriors”) — Somebody needs to remake this movie, keep Cyrus alive and examine what might have happened if the city gangs tried to take over New York back in the late-’70s. I think Cyrus and the Gramercy Riffs could have pulled it off, personally.

8. Manny (“Scarface”) — Pound for pound, still the most startling moment in movie history. I always thought the actor who played Manny (Stephen Bauer) really did die in this movie until he turned up in “Traffic”

7. Hooch (“Turner and Hooch”) — I mean … did they really have to kill Hooch? This one gets me every time.

6. Mickey (“Rocky 3”) — The only positive outcome from Mickey’s death was that we finally found out his last name (Goldmill).

5. Goose (“Top Gun”) — I’m making the Tom Cruise “Purse my lips and bulge my eyes to signify that I’m trying not to cry” face just thinking about it.

4. Buffalo Bill (“Silence of the Lambs”) — Along with Machine from “Eight Millimeter,” Buffalo Bill was one of Hollywoods’s unintentional comedic geniuses of our lifetime. I still like to break out the “Now it places the lotion in the basket… it places the lotion in the basket… Put the (expletive) lotion in the basket!” at parties.

3. Fredo (“The Godfather”) — Just devastating. I can’t even rationally discuss this one.

2. Brian Piccolo (“Brian’s Song”) — “I loved Brian Piccolo … and I hope you love him, too.”

1 Champ (“The Champ”) — “Wake up, Champ. Champ. Champ? Wake up, Champ? (pause) Champ! Champ! Wake up,

Champ!”

My friends were telling at a wedding I recently attended that one of the biggest clichés in Hollywood movies is that the black male actor in the movies always dies. Now I believe that the old adage is going the way of the Dinosaur cause no one would have killed off Larry Fishbourne as Morphous but I thought it would be fitting if we could think of the 5 most glorious screen deaths. So since I was the only one sober of the 5 to take notes here is what happened…. it goes in no particular order

Jim Brown in “The Dirty Dozen
First things first. Next to the Godfather,,best movie for “guys who like movies” Every man should forced to watch this movie before they are allowed to go into puberty, You wanna be a man ? Watch this movie first!!! EAT THIS RAW MEAT !!!Then we will talk. The Dirty Dozen was released before my time but i am sure. if you havent seen the movie You will have the same reaction

‘Hes going to make it…hes going to make it ..AW DAMM .he didnt make it “
We all hated to see him get it at the end . But if he had to go out at least he went out like a hero The image of Jim Brown sprinting across the screen , dodging enemy fire is one of the most breathtaking scenes… It was talked about by Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle as he pretended to burst into tears. It making me misty eyed now

Samuel Jackson In Deep Blue SEA
Now any movie that kills off Samuel Jackson and leaves LL CoOL J alive has something fundamentally wrong. But I recommend that you watch it to see Sam go out in a blaze of glory. Now if you havent seen the movie ,,lucky you … AFTER the genetically engineered sharks who seem to be smarter than any one in the movie make their first attack, the group gets together to regroup and Sam is attempting to calm them all ,using his best Pulp Fiction Jules Winfield voice …”stay calm we will get out of here” . I remember thinking … hes getting to close to the water. Sure enough one of the sharks leaps out and drags Sam into the water kicking and screaming It not believable …the movie is pretty bad… but it was awesome. The only thing the would have topped that would be if somehow the sharks started reciting bible verses

Charles Dutton in Aliens 3
In Alien 3 Ripley wakes up in a prison colony with 2 of the creatures one roaming and one inside her. In an effort to trap the full-grown one Roc must hold off the creäture while Ripley climbs up and pours a few thousand gallons of molten lead on the beast …Cliched ? Yes! Predictable? yes!! Dutton screams ” is that all you got… Is that as hard as you can bite . Hes spitting like a cornered cat as he engaged the deadliest creatures know to man. For a comparison watch the “Real Housewifes of New Jersey” reunion over and over

Carl Weathers and Bill Duke In Predator
I think we all can remember the scene “I see you ” Bill Duke Hisses…. Some how Carl Weathers takes about 30 seconds to realize that hes looking at a 10 ft tall invisible reptile who moves at the speed of light. He stood a better chance fighting Ivan Drago in Rocky 4. With no visible shock says “hey i see it too. Nevertheless it was somewhat fun to watch Apollo meet his match. Bill Duke stood no chance. Funny thing, The weapon on the predator blew off Apollos arm .. Bill Dukes head and Jesse Ventura chest. The Terminator Arnie takes a direct hit to his shoulder and he gets a flesh wound
MMM

Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man
Wesley Snipes grimaces and bares his pearly whites ( what’s the deal with that awful blonde hairdo?). Bad hair nevertheless he sure seemed to be having fun untill he was freeze dried by Healthy Choice . Kinda of wish SLY”said “Ice Ice Baby” I think that would have ranked right up there with “ASTA la VeeSTA baby The only thing i remember about that movie is the crush I had on Sandra Bullock. Wonder what ever happened to her

Until next time

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