Monster Ball Sex

Hall of Fame of Faces, Michael Douglas (first ballot)

In “Fatal Attraction” alone, Douglas manages to put together a Anthony Hopkins performance, a series of faces that touch upon utter astonishment, terror, rage and bewilderment, often all at once.

You’ve got the “She’s Unzipping My Pants in an Elevator, and I Look Like I’ve Just Been Shot by a Sniper” Face, the “Wait, Did She Just Say She’s NOT Getting an Abortion?” Face, the “My Home Telephone Keeps Ringing, and I Can’t Make it Stop” Face, the “Seriously? She’s Calling My Office? Doesn’t She Realize This Was Just a Freakin’ One-Night Stand?” Face, the “Oh God, She’s in My Apartment, and She’s Talking to My Wife” Face, the “I’m Feeling Completely Impotent as I Hold a Rabbit in a Cage and Slowly Come to the Realization that My Car’s Been Vandalized” Face, the “I’m Listening to Her Taunt Me on a Cassette Recording and Saying Things Like ‘I Bet You Don’t Even Like Girls!!!! Ha!!!’ … And I Can’t Do Anything About It” Face, the “I’m Staring Pensively at the Rain Because I Now Know I’m About to Lose Everything” Face, and my personal favorite, the “I’m Trying to Strangle Glenn Close, and For Some Reason I Look Like I’ve Just Eaten a Bad Batch of Oysters” Face. Now THAT’S a body of work. Mix in Douglas’ strong Face performance in “Basic Instinct” (the “She Just Uncrossed Her Legs and Flashed Me Her Privates” Face, anyone?), and this guy needs a wing in the Face Hall of Fame.

Q: Wouldn’t it be fantastic if Tiger Woods started dating Jennifer Aniston? What would the world do?

“This would be the greatest thing that ever happened to Us Weekly, they’d get 10 straight covers out of that.” Then I thought, “Wait a second … wasn’t the Aniston-Jolie-Pitt love triangle the greatest thing that ever happened to Us Weekly?”

Sample conversation No. 1: “Nothing could ever beat Brangelina and Jen. Ever.”
No. 2: “Brad and Jen were THE golden couple of the last 30 years. Every woman in America looked at them as the absolute ideal. Yes, Aniston was a big TV star, but she was relatable enough that when she bagged Brad, women everywhere believed that THEY could have that same happy ending. And Angelina was fresh off of making out with her brother, wearing vials of blood around her neck and f—— Billy Bob in the limo on the way to movie premieres. But she was also legitimate because she had an Oscar, making her a Jessica Rabbit cartoon-level-impossible vixen. Every woman’s nightmare. It can’t be topped because you’d have to emotionally invest in a couple to the point people were invested in Brad and Jen. We’re too cynical at this point to ever buy into an ideal like that again. But even if we did, you’d then have to create a vixen of epic proportions. We’d have to have YEARS invested in the golden couple’s perfection AND the vixen’s craziness. And after all of that, the vixen would have to cross paths with the guy in the golden couple, and literally steal him away from America’s sweetheart. I mean, when you break it down like that … does that even remotely sound possible? But it happened!”

No. 1: “Only one thing could beat it: If Tiger got with Jen first, then dumped her for Angelina, thus stealing Angelina from Brad. And then, the world would end.”

As Lloyd Christmas once said, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance …”)

Q: Just curious, who would you include in your own personal Mount Rushmore of child stars?

Here are four MT Rushmore of Child Stars(of my generation)

Macaulay Culkin: Most successful child star ever, arguably the world’s biggest movie star in 1990, did so well that he spun off brothers and sisters. You know you’re a big child star when you’re spinning off DNA.

Gary Coleman: Remarkable run from 1976-82 on “Diff’rent Strokes” before we slowly realized that he was in his mid-30s. Bonus points for a signature line (“Whatchoo talkin’ about, Willis?”), legitimately funny comic timing and his heroic acting in the very special two-parter, when Mr. Horton went after Dudley and Mr. Drummond and B.C. coach Al Skinner saved Dudley just in time.

Drew Barrymore: Huge role in one of the biggest movies of all time (“E.T.”), carried “Firestarter” and “Irreconcilable Differences,” landed in drug rehab before she became a teenager, and now she’s turned her life around and had a helluva career. We need one success story on Child Actor Mount Rushmore and nobody under 35 even remembers that Ron Howard was a former child actor. So let’s go here.

Corey Haim, Corey Feldman: I see them sharing the same head on the fourth Mount Rushmore spot, only it would go in two different directions like Siamese twins. We need them both. They were like Jagger and Richards — the sum of the whole exceeded the parts.

Q. Don’t you think that the sex in the “final three” episode of “The Bachelor” has to be the best sex ever? Think about it, these women know that not only do they have to sleep with him, but they HAVE to rock his world. I think we need a term for this type of experience,

Just to recap for people who don’t know the show: When the Bachelor cuts it down to three, he gets overnight dates with each of the girls. At the end of dinner, they open a card that says something like: “Here’s an invitation to spend a night together in our fantasy suite. If you say no, he’s not going to pick you. If you say yes, but you don’t sleep with him, you’re a mortal lock to go home within the next two episodes. If you say yes, and you rock his world, you’re gonna get an engagement ring. No pressure or anything. Good luck.”

You only get the fantasy suite for one night. Two other girls are getting the same chance. And again, if you don’t let the Bachelor sample the goods, you’re only opening the door for one of your rivals to step in. So what ensues is almost like the NFL scouting combine for sex: Each girl has one night to run a 40, do the shuttle drill and see how much she can bench-press. Embrace the situation and you’re going to win. This season, Vienna the Former Florida Hooters Waitress brought her own nightgown to the fantasy suite, which was almost unfair but turned out to be a stroke of genius. She ended up winning.

Anyway, we already have a name for this kind of sex: It’s Monster’s Ball Sex. That’s how Halle Berry won the Oscar for “Monster’s Ball,” by throwing herself into the sex scene to the point that the Academy said, “Holy mackerel, are they really doing it?” (“MAKE ME FEEL GOOD! MAKE ME FEEL GOOD!” Settle down, Halle, we’ll give you the Oscar! Put some clothes on!) I think that’s what happens in the fantasy suite: The girls go Monster’s Ball on him. And by the way, there’s nothing funnier than the angry look on someone’s face when they get voted off with three to go. The perfect mix of revulsion, regret and self-loathing. I am not a regular “Bachelor” guy but always make sure the someone tells me when the “three girls left” episode is on. MAKE ME FEEL GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!

Just some thoughts for tonight


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