Monster Ball Sex

Hall of Fame of Faces, Michael Douglas (first ballot)

In “Fatal Attraction” alone, Douglas manages to put together a Anthony Hopkins performance, a series of faces that touch upon utter astonishment, terror, rage and bewilderment, often all at once.

You’ve got the “She’s Unzipping My Pants in an Elevator, and I Look Like I’ve Just Been Shot by a Sniper” Face, the “Wait, Did She Just Say She’s NOT Getting an Abortion?” Face, the “My Home Telephone Keeps Ringing, and I Can’t Make it Stop” Face, the “Seriously? She’s Calling My Office? Doesn’t She Realize This Was Just a Freakin’ One-Night Stand?” Face, the “Oh God, She’s in My Apartment, and She’s Talking to My Wife” Face, the “I’m Feeling Completely Impotent as I Hold a Rabbit in a Cage and Slowly Come to the Realization that My Car’s Been Vandalized” Face, the “I’m Listening to Her Taunt Me on a Cassette Recording and Saying Things Like ‘I Bet You Don’t Even Like Girls!!!! Ha!!!’ … And I Can’t Do Anything About It” Face, the “I’m Staring Pensively at the Rain Because I Now Know I’m About to Lose Everything” Face, and my personal favorite, the “I’m Trying to Strangle Glenn Close, and For Some Reason I Look Like I’ve Just Eaten a Bad Batch of Oysters” Face. Now THAT’S a body of work. Mix in Douglas’ strong Face performance in “Basic Instinct” (the “She Just Uncrossed Her Legs and Flashed Me Her Privates” Face, anyone?), and this guy needs a wing in the Face Hall of Fame.

Q: Wouldn’t it be fantastic if Tiger Woods started dating Jennifer Aniston? What would the world do?

“This would be the greatest thing that ever happened to Us Weekly, they’d get 10 straight covers out of that.” Then I thought, “Wait a second … wasn’t the Aniston-Jolie-Pitt love triangle the greatest thing that ever happened to Us Weekly?”

Sample conversation No. 1: “Nothing could ever beat Brangelina and Jen. Ever.”
No. 2: “Brad and Jen were THE golden couple of the last 30 years. Every woman in America looked at them as the absolute ideal. Yes, Aniston was a big TV star, but she was relatable enough that when she bagged Brad, women everywhere believed that THEY could have that same happy ending. And Angelina was fresh off of making out with her brother, wearing vials of blood around her neck and f—— Billy Bob in the limo on the way to movie premieres. But she was also legitimate because she had an Oscar, making her a Jessica Rabbit cartoon-level-impossible vixen. Every woman’s nightmare. It can’t be topped because you’d have to emotionally invest in a couple to the point people were invested in Brad and Jen. We’re too cynical at this point to ever buy into an ideal like that again. But even if we did, you’d then have to create a vixen of epic proportions. We’d have to have YEARS invested in the golden couple’s perfection AND the vixen’s craziness. And after all of that, the vixen would have to cross paths with the guy in the golden couple, and literally steal him away from America’s sweetheart. I mean, when you break it down like that … does that even remotely sound possible? But it happened!”

No. 1: “Only one thing could beat it: If Tiger got with Jen first, then dumped her for Angelina, thus stealing Angelina from Brad. And then, the world would end.”

As Lloyd Christmas once said, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance …”)

Q: Just curious, who would you include in your own personal Mount Rushmore of child stars?

Here are four MT Rushmore of Child Stars(of my generation)

Macaulay Culkin: Most successful child star ever, arguably the world’s biggest movie star in 1990, did so well that he spun off brothers and sisters. You know you’re a big child star when you’re spinning off DNA.

Gary Coleman: Remarkable run from 1976-82 on “Diff’rent Strokes” before we slowly realized that he was in his mid-30s. Bonus points for a signature line (“Whatchoo talkin’ about, Willis?”), legitimately funny comic timing and his heroic acting in the very special two-parter, when Mr. Horton went after Dudley and Mr. Drummond and B.C. coach Al Skinner saved Dudley just in time.

Drew Barrymore: Huge role in one of the biggest movies of all time (“E.T.”), carried “Firestarter” and “Irreconcilable Differences,” landed in drug rehab before she became a teenager, and now she’s turned her life around and had a helluva career. We need one success story on Child Actor Mount Rushmore and nobody under 35 even remembers that Ron Howard was a former child actor. So let’s go here.

Corey Haim, Corey Feldman: I see them sharing the same head on the fourth Mount Rushmore spot, only it would go in two different directions like Siamese twins. We need them both. They were like Jagger and Richards — the sum of the whole exceeded the parts.

Q. Don’t you think that the sex in the “final three” episode of “The Bachelor” has to be the best sex ever? Think about it, these women know that not only do they have to sleep with him, but they HAVE to rock his world. I think we need a term for this type of experience,

Just to recap for people who don’t know the show: When the Bachelor cuts it down to three, he gets overnight dates with each of the girls. At the end of dinner, they open a card that says something like: “Here’s an invitation to spend a night together in our fantasy suite. If you say no, he’s not going to pick you. If you say yes, but you don’t sleep with him, you’re a mortal lock to go home within the next two episodes. If you say yes, and you rock his world, you’re gonna get an engagement ring. No pressure or anything. Good luck.”

You only get the fantasy suite for one night. Two other girls are getting the same chance. And again, if you don’t let the Bachelor sample the goods, you’re only opening the door for one of your rivals to step in. So what ensues is almost like the NFL scouting combine for sex: Each girl has one night to run a 40, do the shuttle drill and see how much she can bench-press. Embrace the situation and you’re going to win. This season, Vienna the Former Florida Hooters Waitress brought her own nightgown to the fantasy suite, which was almost unfair but turned out to be a stroke of genius. She ended up winning.

Anyway, we already have a name for this kind of sex: It’s Monster’s Ball Sex. That’s how Halle Berry won the Oscar for “Monster’s Ball,” by throwing herself into the sex scene to the point that the Academy said, “Holy mackerel, are they really doing it?” (“MAKE ME FEEL GOOD! MAKE ME FEEL GOOD!” Settle down, Halle, we’ll give you the Oscar! Put some clothes on!) I think that’s what happens in the fantasy suite: The girls go Monster’s Ball on him. And by the way, there’s nothing funnier than the angry look on someone’s face when they get voted off with three to go. The perfect mix of revulsion, regret and self-loathing. I am not a regular “Bachelor” guy but always make sure the someone tells me when the “three girls left” episode is on. MAKE ME FEEL GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!

Just some thoughts for tonight


MVP COMEDIANS since 1975 or just who I liked


1975: Richard Pryor
Best stand-up comedian alive (and the most respected). Also crushed his only SNL hosting gig ever with its first legitimately great show and water cooler sketch.
1976: Chevy Chase
SNL’s first breakout star as it became a national phenomenon. He also made the worst move in Funniest Guy history by leaving the show as he was wrapping up his Funniest Guy season. Even “The Decision” was a better idea.
1977-78: John Belushi
Replaced Chase as SNL’s meal ticket in ’77, then had the single best year in Funny Guy History a year later: starred on SNL (in its biggest year ever, when audiences climbed to more than 30 million per episode); starred in “Animal House” (the No. 1 comedy of 1978 and a first-ballot Hall of Famer); had the No. 1 album (the Blues Brothers’ first album). No. 1 in TV, movies and music at the same time? I’m almost positive this will never happen again. And also, if you put all the funniest people ever at the funniest points of their lives in one room, I think he’d be the alpha dog thanks to force of personality. So there’s that.
1979: Robin Williams, Steve Martin (tie)
“Mork and Mindy” plus a big stand-up career for Williams; “The Jerk” plus a best-selling comedy album plus “official best SNL host ever” status for Martin.
1980: Rodney Dangerfield
His breakout year with “Caddyshack,” killer stand-up, killer Carson appearances, a Grammy-winning comedy album, even a Rolling Stone cover. Our oldest winner.
1981: Bill Murray
Carried “Stripes” one year after “Caddyshack.” Tough year for comedy with cocaine was ruining nearly everybody at this point.
1982-84: Eddie Murphy
The best three-year run anyone has had. Like Bird’s three straight MVPs. And by the way, “Beverly Hills Cop” is still the No. 1 comedy of all time if you use adjusted gross numbers.
(Random note: Sam Kinison’s 1984 spot on Dangerfield’s “Young Comedians” special has to be commemorated in some way. At the time, it was the funniest six minutes that had ever happened, and it could have single-handedly won him the title in almost any other year. It’s also the hardest I have ever laughed without drugs being involved. Sadly, I can’t link to it because of the language and because it crosses about 35 lines of decency. But it’s easily found, if you catch my drift.)
1985-86: David Letterman
Went from “cult hero” to “established mainstream star,” ushered in the Ironic Comedy Era, pushed the comedy envelope as far as it could go, and if you want to dig deeper, supplanted Carson as the den father for that generation of up-and-comers and new superstars (Murphy, Leno, Seinfeld, Michael Keaton, Tom Hanks, Howard Stern, etc.) … and, on a personal note, had a bigger influence on me than anyone other than my parents. One of two people I could never meet because I would crumble like a crumb cake. (You can guess the other.)
1987: Jay Leno, Howard Stern (tie)
Seems like a million years ago, but Leno’s frequent appearances on Letterman’s show and enjoyable “Tonight Show” guest host spots stole the ’87 title from Letterman just because he seemed newer and fresher. (Note: The Leno-Letterman spot always delivered the goods. They were unbelievable together. That’s what made it so unbelievable when Leno backstabbed him for the “Tonight Show” job.) Meanwhile, Stern’s morning show had become a tri-state phenomenon and reached the point that people were trading cassette tapes; he even landed a Fox pilot that year.
1988: Eddie Murphy
Reclaimed the throne with “Coming to America” one year after “Raw.” Also, Arsenio Hall’s show had taken off and Eddie was a frequent guest. The last great Eddie year. Alas.
1989: Dana Carvey
SNL’s first breakout star in five years thanks to the Church Lady, his Bush Senior impersonation and a bunch of other things that didn’t really hold up. What’s weird is that Phil Hartman’s SNL stuff held up better, only it took Carvey’s leaving for people to realize how great Hartman was.
1990: Billy Crystal
Never had a career year but accumulated enough momentum from his stupendous SNL stint (1984-85), “City Slickers,” his HBO comedy special and his late-night guest spots that his 1990 Oscars host job (the best to that point) wins him the award in a weak year. FYI: You could make a decent Hicks case here, but he just wasn’t well-known enough.
1991: Jerry Seinfeld
The year his show started taking off, much to the delight of everyone who loved him from his Letterman/Carson spots and the four episodes from the previous summer. I will never forget me and my buddy trying to persuade everyone else we knew to watch the first episode of Season 2 with us (January 1991) and only a couple of them biting.
1992: Jerry Seinfeld, Mike Myers (tie)
Seinfeld’s show became a smash hit; Myers was SNL’s biggest star during a resurgent era and made a hit movie (“Wayne’s World,” now the most dated comedy of all time and totally weird to watch, although the “Bohemian Rhapsody” scene remains funny).
1993: Mike Myers
Weak year. Myers had SNL, “Wayne’s World 2” and “So I Married An Axe Murderer.” You could talk me into giving the entire “Simpsons” writing staff this spot just to get them on the list.
1994: Jim Carrey
“Ace Ventura,” “The Mask” and “Dumb & Dumber.” Has anyone ever gone 3-for-3 with smash hits in one year? Now he’s just a crazy person on Twitter.
1995: Chris Farley
His long-awaited “I always loved Chris Farley and now I feel totally vindicated because I knew he was going to be famous” year with “Tommy Boy.” Which still holds up, by the way. Silver medal to Norm MacDonald for crushing it on “Weekend Update” during and after the O.J. trial.
1996: Chris Rock
He underachieved on SNL to the point that, when he switched to “In Living Color” for one year, nobody gave a crap. By 1995, he had fallen into the “doing guest spots on ‘Martin’ and ‘Fresh Prince of Bel Air'” stage of his career. And then, out of nowhere … “Bring the Pain” happened. The best stand-up special since Eddie in his prime. Who knew?
1997: Garry Shandling
The best season ever (Season 5) of one of the greatest comedies ever (“The Larry Sanders Show”) peaks with “The Roast” (the single funniest episode in the history of the show). Good enough to win a weak year.
1998: Adam Sandler
Became an A-list comedy franchise with “The Wedding Singer” and “The Waterboy.” Weak year otherwise.
1999: Mike Myers, Chris Rock (tie)
“Austin Powers 2” (and A-list celeb status) for Myers; “Bigger and Blacker” special and an inventive weekly HBO show for Rock.
2000: Will Ferrell
At the height of his SNL powers at this point thanks to his Dubya impersonation. You could make a very strong “Will Ferrell was the greatest cast member in the history of SNL” case.
2001: Matt Stone and Trey Parker (tie)
A seminal season for “South Park” (Season 5) peaks with the ballsy Osama episode just eight weeks after 9/11. Weird year for comedy in general. You could make a strong case for Ricky Gervais here; I would give it to him except for the fact that I hate British people.LOL
2002: Larry David
His best “Curb Your Enthusiasm” season (Season 3), and it featured my single favorite episode (the one with Krazee-Eyez Killa).
2003: Dave Chappelle
Season 1. Enough said. The last unequivocal, there-is-no-doubt-whatsoever-that-he-has-the-title comedy season.
2004: Dave Chappelle, Jon Stewart (tie)
Season 2 for Chappelle and a breakout year for Stewart (the 2004 election, his “Crossfire” appearance, the release of his book and his Peabody Award).
2005: Steve Carell
“The Office” takes off, and “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” hits theaters. Good enough to take a splintered year. Thanks to the Internet and cable booms, comedy became so specialized that it got infinitely more difficult to say one person was the Funniest Man Alive. My personal choice: Ferrell again, just because of “Anchorman.”
2006: Sacha Baron Cohen
Borat. More than enough.
2007: Larry David
Comeback year for “Curb” as the Blacks move into Larry’s house. Runner-up: Judd Apatow.
2008: Tina Fey
“30 Rock” takes off, and Palin falls into her lap.
2009: Zach Galifianiakis
His “Hangover” role was funnier than anything anyone else did … right?
2010 Rachel McAdams
She was really funny Go and see Morning Glory

America Conspiracy Theories, Senator McCain and Fox

“I used to think the lie was the worst” – President Kennedy said “The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie — deliberate, contrived and dishonest, but the myth, persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic. Belief in myths allows the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought. Now we learn the greatest enemy are those with total disregard for the truth who introduce lies as a myth and spread them with utterly immoral self-serving disregard.”

Now it’s not just that 46 percent of Republicans believe the lie that Obama is a Muslim, or that 27 percent in the party doubt that the President of the United States is a citizen. But fully half of them believe falsely that the big bailout of banks and insurance companies under TARP was enacted by Obama, and not by President Bush.

A growing segment of the party poised to take control of Congress has bought into denial of the basic truths of Barack Obama’s life. What’s more, this astonishing level of willful ignorance has come about largely by design.

No surprise here who the myth growers are — the usual suspects. The first, of course, is Rush Limbaugh, who claims the largest radio audience in the land among the microphone demagogues, and his word is Biblical among Republicans. A few quick examples of the Limbaugh method:

“Tomorrow is Obama’s birthday — not that we’ve seen any proof of that,” he said on Aug. 3. “They tell us Aug. 4 is the birthday; we haven’t seen any proof of that.”

Of course, there is proof as clear as that baseball box score.

On the Muslim deception, “Obama says he’s a Christian, but where’s the evidence?” he said on Aug. 19. He has repeatedly called the president “imam Obama,” and said, “I’m just throwing things out there, folks, because people are questioning his Christianity.”

You see this works. Drop in suggestions, hints, notes that “people are questioning” things. The design is to make Obama un-American. Then he says it’s a tweak, a provocation. He says this as a preëmptive way to keep the press from calling him out. And it works.

Once the myth is planted, a prominent politician can pick it up, with little nuance.

It’s curious, also, that any felon, drug addict, 3 X married, or Ken Melman, a gay man who ran President Bush’s 2004 reelection designed to scare Americans about Gay people, can loudly proclaim a sudden embrace of Jesus and be welcomed without doubt by leaders of the religious right. But a thoughtful Christian like Obama is still distrusted.

“I am a devout Christian,” Obama told Christianity Today in 2008. “I believe in the redemptive death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.” That’s not enough, apparently, for Rev. Franklin Graham, the son of the great evangelical leader, who said that Obama was “born a Muslim because of the religious seed passed on from his father.” WTF

Mr. McCain is always touted the primacy of military leadership in knowing what’s best for all forces (remember the surge?). Yet now he believes soldiers on the ground should make policy about gay soldiers knowing full well that soldiers do not make policy. Let’s poll them and ask if they want to leave Iraq and Afghanistan. Would Mr. McCain abide by the results of that survey as well?

There is Fox News, which has gone after Michelle Obama, whose vacation in Spain was “just for her and about 40 of her friends.” Limbaugh had a similar line, saying the First Lady “is taking 40 of her best friends and leasing 60 rooms at a five-star hotel — paid for by you.” “200 million a day for ten days ” Glen Beck loudly pronounced.

The White House said Michelle Obama and her daughter Sasha were accompanied by just a few friends — and they paid their own costs. But, the damage is done. She’s living the life on your dime. They don’t even have to mention race. The code words do it for them. Later Fox News Glen Beck said “he never said it”

It would be nice to dismiss the stupid things that Americans believe as harmless, the price of having such a large, messy democracy. Plenty of hate-filled partisans swore that Abraham Lincoln was a Catholic and Franklin Roosevelt was a Jew. So what if one-in-five believe the sun revolves around the earth, or aren’t sure from which country the United States gained its independence?

It’s one thing to forget the past, with predictable consequences, as the favorite aphorism goes. But what about those who refuse to comprehend the present?

Compare the reaction to the Fort Hood and Holocaust Museum shootings. One was perpetrated by “a deranged person.” The other by an entire religion. The plane flown into the Texas IRS office versus the underwear bomber. Whenever alarming violence happens, a sizable percentage of Americans have a tendency to reshape its causes to fit their worldview.

When 32 Virginia Tech students were gunned down in a single morning by an American citizen wielding a pair of weapons he owned legally, the Second Amendment defenders rushed to point out their belief that if students were allowed to carry guns on a college campus April 16th would never have happened. This is, of course, ludicrous. But the gun enthusiasts fantasy is that when everyone has a gun no one will use them. Now the NRA in Texas is challenging the law that states you have to be 21 to carry a concealed weapon.

Likewise the xenophobic contention that Islam breeds violence. Imagine being a child in Baghdad as a Iraq mother told me while on patrol;who spoke perfect english, that when the American forces knocked out the lights and water and blackened the sky with smoke. “What must an child think when her school is closed and the teachers fired by the American occupiers”.

Did they see the fortifications around the Green Zone or the streams of hundreds of thousands of fleeing Iraqi refugees and think anything other than all Americans are devils? “You have a culture of violence,” she said. “It’s in the Old Testament.”

History will show that a lot of violence was done in the name of Christianity also. The Crusades, Europe’s Reformation and Counter Reformation Era, The Colonial Conquests. In the 20th century, Rwanda, 1994, and one that I attended and saw 1992-1995 Bosnia , where US Army Soldiers came in to stop the slaughter and ethnic cleansing of 300 thousand Muslims by Christian Serbs

No one protested Christian churches within two blocks of the Murrah Federal Building memorial in Oklahoma City. But there is no question that Timothy McVeigh and his companions were motivated by extremist religious fervor — and they were protesting the government’s attack on the Branch Davidian compound. How do I know this? I was in the same Army Unit in Fort Riley Kansas as Tim McVeigh and spoke with him. Although no one could have guessed it , the motivations of the Oklahoma terrorist were identical to those of the 9/11 terrorists.

Of course, ethnic and religious prejudice works both ways. There are plenty of Muslims over seas who regarded me — because I’m a Westerner — as a suspicious character who supports wars against Islam. Millions of Muslims I am sure saw me as the enemy just as millions of Americans see each Muslim as enemies. But millions more I am sure do not

Such prejudice is a product of ignorance. Our national shame is that in the richest country in the world , we are producing so many ignorant citizens.

How many people looked at the flyer on Glen Becks “Restoring Honor ” and didn’t see the fine print that said donations would be used to pay off expenses first and the rest would go toward the ‘TROOPS’.

This is from a man who made 35 million last yr and will make more. How honorable is that? Worse some of these ignorant Americans will grow up to be ignorant political leaders who pose an ever-present danger to everyone in this country and around the world.

On “Fox and Friends,” the Bush administration press sec Dana Perino attacked a supposedly terrorism-tainted Saudi prince whose foundation might contribute to the Islāmic center. But as “The Daily Show” keeps pointing out, these Fox bloviating never acknowledge that the evil prince they’re bashing, Walid bin Talal, is not only the biggest non-Murdoch shareholder in Fox News’s parent company (he owns 7 percent of News Corporation) and the recipient of Murdoch investments in Saudi Arabia but also the subject of lionization elsewhere on Fox.

Neil Cavuto praised bin Talal in a Fox Business Channel interview as recently as January, with nary a question about his supposed terrorist ties. Instead, bin Talal praised Obama’s stance on terrorism and even endorsed the Democrats’ goal of universal health insurance. Do any of the Fox-watching protestors at the “ground zero mosque” know that Fox’s profits are flowing to a Obama-sympathizing Saudi billionaire in bed with Murdoch? As Jon Stewart summed it up, the protestors who want “to cut off funding to the ‘terror mosque’ ” are aiding that funding by watching Fox and enhancing bin Talal’s News Corp. holdings.

In Kentucky they are developing an Ark theme park that will show Noah leading dinosaurs on to the Ark. This is all being funded by the state under the class of “entertainment”

In the most critical periods of our nation’s history, there have always been those fringes of our society who have sought to escape their own responsibility by finding a simple solution, an appealing slogan, or a convenient scapegoat and made millions from it .

Financial crises could be explained by the presence of too many immigrants or too much entitlements.

War could be attributed to munitions makers or international bankers.

Peace conferences failed because we were duped or tricked or deceived by the Russians, Iranians or wascaly wabbit.

At times these fanatics have achieved a temporary success among those who lack the will or the vision to face unpleasant tasks or unsolved problems.

Now we are face to face once again with a period of heightened peril. The risks are great, the burdens heavy, the problems incapable of swift or lasting solution. Men who are unwilling to face up to the danger from without are convinced that the real danger comes from within. They look suspiciously at their neighbors and their leaders. They call for a ‘man on horseback’ or a strict interpretation of the constitution because they do not trust the people. They find treason in churches, in our highest court, and even in the treatment of our food (glen beck show Dec 1). They equate the Democratic Party with the welfare state, the welfare state with socialism, and socialism with communism. They object quite rightly to politics’ intruding on the military — but they are anxious for the military to engage in politics.

But I take a different view of our peril. I know that it comes from without, not within. It must be met by quiet preparedness, not provocative speeches, myths or lies.

So people lets not heed these counsels of fear and suspicion. Let our patriotism be reflected in the creation of confidence and not crusades of suspicion. Let us prove we think our country great by striving to make it greater.
At the end of the Korean War Eisenhower said:

“Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the last sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.
The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children….
This is not a way of life at all, in any true sense.
Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from an iron cross.”
Lets all hope we never get there.