General Female Rules
1. These Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
2. No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.
3. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows The Rules, she must immediately change The Rules.
4. The FEMALE is never wrong.
5. If the FEMALE is mistaken, it is a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
6.The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
7.The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
8. The MALE must never change his mind without the written consent of the FEMALE
9. The FEMALE has the right to be upset or angry at any time.
10. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.
11. If the FEMALE has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
12. The MALE is expected to mind read constantly and act accordingly.
13. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in actual bodily harm.
14. The MALE who doesn’t abide by The Rules can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a whimp.
General Male Rules
1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
5. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
6. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.
8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
9. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
11. When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying, “This is our exit?” is not necessary.
12. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.
This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has when she wants to cut you, slice you and cover you with hot bacon grease. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare so don’t be an idiot. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows)
This means, “I give up” or “Do what you want because I don’t give a d*&#. You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot, moron or troll at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here with your sorry ass, and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not to move, flinch or breathe and she will stay content.
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that”, or: “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. Run far, run fast and NEVER EVER look back. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your PC, DVD player and big screen TV out the 11th floor window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. “Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a big ol’ greasy lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and the statement “Go ahead”, all followed by unspeakable acts so hideous they are unprintable.
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before implementing payback. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned. “That’s okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead”. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you’d better be ready. You’re gonna look like a Section 8 eviction, stuf all out on the curb. Check your mirrors for the next 6 months. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to dig the hole you’re in even deeper as you try to come up with an excuse or reason for doing whatever it is you have done. You have a chance to tell the truth … but don’t. Lie like a rug and stick to it like Velcro. STICK TO THE LIE!!! But be careful you don’t get a “That’s okay”. If you do, stick and move baby, stick and move. Skillets and pots will be flyin.
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint or pee yourself; just say you’re welcome and don’t move the rest of the day.
Thanks a Lot
This is much different from “Thanks”. A woman will say “Thanks a Lot” when she is really about to “catch a case”. It’s ’bout to be on, up in here. It signifies that you have hurt her in some cold, callous way. She will probably call her 4 brothers to come over and mop the street with your brains. These words are usually followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you “Nothing”.
You did WHAT?
This means she found out about that hoochie across town and you’d better crawl out the window and creep up the sidewalk like a cat. She’s about to get her piece, so step … and step hard. Forget your car, just run and hide. You can come back and get your ride. If “You did WHAT?” is followed by “you bastard”, hit the floor immediately, cause she’s about to set the chamber on that 9 that she keeps under the pillow.
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings…
(obviously I HAVE gotten in more than MY share of trouble…lol )